Why College is Awesome
I’ve been very open about the fact that I’m genderqueer, but I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone what that means for me specifically. Since college is coming up, and I’m about to get the opportunity to start fresh, and present myself properly this time, I’ve been thinking deeply about what exactly that s going to entail.
Genderqueer. A pretty heavy word to use, even if I seem to wield it rather often when it comes to myself. I guess I should start by saying that by being genderqueer, I’m transgender. Or maybe I should start at the very beginning…
There are commonly thought to be two genders - male and female. Except of course, there are those who are born intersex. There are those whose chromosomes don’t match their outward sex characteristics. So what is gender? Is it the outward stuff between your legs? Is it hormones? Is it chromosomes? Whatever you might think gender is, there’s going to be someone to prove you wrong, to demonstrate a natural in-between that doesn’t fit into your nice neat categories. The binary, male-female, 1-0, doesn’t exist.
With that in mind, maybe it will make it easier to understand that there are people who don’t identify as male or female.
Now, let’s talk about specifics. Me.
I identify as genderqueer, but I didn’t start out my gender discovery thinking that way. I actually started looking at non-binary identities after about a year and a half of thinking of myself as male. I’d had gender dysphoria (a severe discontent/depression with ones gender identity) starting at puberty, when things just went downhill. I wept, and even self-harmed a bit (just the skin on my chest though, nowhere important). It didn’t help that my mother was decidedly unwilling to let me take hold of my own self-expression. In the end, though, identifying as male didn’t feel right either.
I eventually settled on the term genderqueer. It’s a word that can mean a broad spectrum of things. Sometimes I use the term gender fluid, because sometimes it feels like I’m drifting between two points, although never landing fully on either one.
So what does that mean for me? Me and college, me and… life?
My internal gender identity is basically… my own business. I’m comfortable with myself on the inside, and what little uncomfortable feelings may exist will probably vanish as I talk to the counselors at college. How I present myself is another matter entirely. When I finally arrive at college, I’m going to do a few things I’ve never been able to do because they’re too “masculine” for my parents to allow.
- I’m going to bind my chest. It’ll be uncomfortable, believe me, but my previous experiences with ACE bandages were heavenly despite the back pain. The feeling of being rid of those unnecessary lumps on my chest was so freeing.
- I’ll wear more masculine clothes. With a binder, I’ll be more comfortable wearing less baggy shirts, and overall I think my appearance will look a lot cleaner and… yeah. I like sweater vests, so sue me.
- More masculine haircut. My hair is short now, but not necessarily masculine. And not nearly short enough yet. Hair gets in my way, I don’t like it.
- Voice training. This one is less because I feel like it “fits me” than because if I’m going to do all the previous points, I might as well go all the way. If people can mistake me for a guy, I think I’ll be treated a bit better than if people can immediately spot me and know I’m trans. My own voice pitch doesn’t really bother me, but training my voice to be lower won’t be a big deal for me.
This… is me. Call me what you will, she/he/it/they/xie/zhe/ne/yo/etc., I’m just… Fishie. I can’t really explain, because my gender just doesn’t fit labels, and it doesn’t have to. We’re bigger and more complicated than our labels.
I still have to post about the ace community, the asexual spectrum, and our views on labels, because the ace community has a good way of thinking about this kind of stuff.
The point of this whole post is, I guess, just me spazzing about college. Because I’m excited. Really excited. It can’t come soon enough. I don't have anyone I can really talk to about this stuff because no one wants to talk about this shit, so. Here is me. Spazzing here. <3