Yet another emo entry ... not that anyone really cares...

[gilreantreebane]

I hate feeling so worthless. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I do have some sort of metal illness like depression or something but I don't think I'd take medication even if they gave it to me. Also I want to go to a shrink or something like that but I don't actually know if that'd help. I mean when I'm in these moods there's no getting me out of them. I don't actually believe there's anything that would help them. And they're set off by the smallest of things: a small twinge of jealousy spirals into an entire "woe is me. I'm a failure. No one really likes me" episode. and I hate myself for falling into these because they make me feel so horrible and miserable and nothing but time can pull me out. All I want is for someone to tell me I'm brilliant and yet I'd never believe them. I want someone to tell me I'm beautiful even though I know I'm ugly. I want someone to think enough of me to surprise me with something. I want to feel loved and most of the time I don't. Not that it's necessarily the fault of the people around me that I don't feel loved and to be honest I don't know what they could do to make me feel loved and needed. All I know is that I don't and I wish I knew how to fix that. I wish I didn't think too far into things because I do. I start questioning things that I probably should just accept and I then start supplying negative answers. As much as I try to be optimistic there's always this voice inside me telling me "You suck. You aren't good at anything. No one loves you. You aren't needed." I feel forever an outsider and I don't want to be. I want to be included but no matter what I do I never feel like I'm part of the group. I think that must be why I love the barn so much and why I love animals because they need me. I never felt better than when I was helping out my riding instructor muck stalls and feed the horses because i knew that those horses needed me and they loved me unconditionally. They weren't fake in their emotions because they don't have the mental capacity to be fake. Humans on the other hand are confusing and frustrating and being one's just horrible. I don't want to be a sentient being. I'd much rather be an animal. They at least know what they were put on the earth for. They live by instincts and are simple. I want to be simple. I want to live by instinct. I don't want to question every single thing that goes on in my life.
I wonder how often I'll find myself writing rants like this, showing few if any people how completely messed up I am. These moods fade but the words remain true. *sigh*