My Truth

[gillo]

Or my perception of events. But it’s true for me.

Life this year has had highs and deep lows. I’m writing this to try to set some of it in context, mostly for myself.

Comments

[slaymesoftly]

Well, fewer kerfuffles in fandom is a good thing, but they are no less upsetting when they happen. I'm so sorry this happened to you, the whole thing sounds ridiculous - including the initial dust up over the Queen's death. I almost feel like this might be a generational thing. I often sense a disconnect between some of the newer and/or younger members of fandom and myself. Based on past experience, a perhaps less fraught view of issues, and not being willing or interested in becoming involved in discussions with people I don't actually know about things we see differently. I find myself sitting on my fingers, or deleting responses before clicking "post" fairly often. Again, based on past experiences, my view of the new archive and reasons for it was a bit skewed.... (although I agreed that the abrupt removal of the fic in question was both undeserved and much too dictatorial). While I do sometimes miss the days of LJ and the communities there, I don't miss the kerfuffles

[gillo]

I almost feel like this might be a generational thing.

Possibly - though that really only applies to the original Twitter spat, when a clearly rather silly young girl described the Queen as "a crusty old bitch" - phrasing that really hit me harder than I would have thought it could. The whole SAD implosion is different, and two months down the track it feels to me more deliberate and cold-hearted than at the time, though their repeated assurances that they "really do" care about my well-being still make my teeth grind.

I still wake up most days with brain circling round and round about it. I wish I could make it stop. Thank you for being so supportive - sorry about the delay in responding - on bad days this last couple of weeks I haven't even felt capable of opening the laptop, let alone going over this stuff again. <3

[slaymesoftly]

Well, I was definitely addressing the twitter person, but I believe many of the mods are also younger (perhaps much younger, in my case), and react to things differently. However, it's got to be grating to hear how much they care about you when nothing they've done has given you reason to believe that.

[gillo]

In their 30s, I believe, at least in the case of two of them whom I consider most likely to have been the leaders in this. Old enough to know better, you might say, especially when it comes to what one private message to me described as "weaponising your mental health against you".

I'll get over it. And they have finally refunded the costs of the site to the other person and she has forwarded me my share. PayPal has made a significant profit from us!

[slaymesoftly]

Well, that's at least a positive. I'm so glad you and ***** didn't lose any money on it.

[gillo]

Apparently the offer had been there for a while. I refused to accept her money unless she was repaid in full. I can't prove that this is what made her take it, but...

I will learn to trust again. But it's bloody hard.