Don't know what it is, you decide.
I've been going aroud for about three months, never thinking about how I felt, whether I was happy or sad, never thought about where I was going, what I was doing. Just went along some stupid, stupid routine.
"I hate to say I told you so."
You can't escape something like that, something like life. I neglected my friends completely, if you haven't heard from me, now you know why. I haven't been here, not conciously anyway. Just slack off at school, keep myself busy at work, then slack off at home. I'm a sinner, I am sloth. Belphegor would be proud. It's sickening, here I am in the "most important year of my education", and I haven't done a snitch of homework all semseter. Something very few people can claim, to have done NO homework at all, not a fucking bit.
I'd like to say that I wish I talked to my friends more, but maybe that's not true. After all, if I felt so strongly about it, why not turn my life around? Why not be what my parents want me to be? Hell, what they think I am! The only thing I've been dedicated to are lies, lies and silence. If I really gave a damn, then I wouldn't have this problem. I still feel guilty, I just don't really care anymore. I wish I did, but I wish a lot of things. My name sounds alien to me now...my own name. I've put on a cheery show to avoid problems, to avoid help, but I've only been fooling myself. I just assumed no one else cared, either. My friends have stopped talking to me, my parents, my siblings, they've all moved on and left me here. Left me here with the mess I've made out of my life. Without the will to fix it. As soon as this report card somes, their eyes will be opened somewhat.
Or maybe they've grown numb with the years of constant dissapointment, too numb to notice that I'm depressed, or losing my mind, or losing my grip.
I'm slipping, the strength to save myself is there, and at the same time, it's too late to use it. Simply because I'm not going to use it, for whatever reason.
I guess I'm putting this here because it's easy, because I'm tired, and because I'm sorry. It's not here as a whine, maybe it's a cry for help, but I'm too lazy to actually face the lot of you and tell you I need help, I'm to scared to tell anyone I need help, I'm too weak to admit it, even now.
"I hate to say I told you so."
You can't escape something like that, something like life. I neglected my friends completely, if you haven't heard from me, now you know why. I haven't been here, not conciously anyway. Just slack off at school, keep myself busy at work, then slack off at home. I'm a sinner, I am sloth. Belphegor would be proud. It's sickening, here I am in the "most important year of my education", and I haven't done a snitch of homework all semseter. Something very few people can claim, to have done NO homework at all, not a fucking bit.
I'd like to say that I wish I talked to my friends more, but maybe that's not true. After all, if I felt so strongly about it, why not turn my life around? Why not be what my parents want me to be? Hell, what they think I am! The only thing I've been dedicated to are lies, lies and silence. If I really gave a damn, then I wouldn't have this problem. I still feel guilty, I just don't really care anymore. I wish I did, but I wish a lot of things. My name sounds alien to me now...my own name. I've put on a cheery show to avoid problems, to avoid help, but I've only been fooling myself. I just assumed no one else cared, either. My friends have stopped talking to me, my parents, my siblings, they've all moved on and left me here. Left me here with the mess I've made out of my life. Without the will to fix it. As soon as this report card somes, their eyes will be opened somewhat.
Or maybe they've grown numb with the years of constant dissapointment, too numb to notice that I'm depressed, or losing my mind, or losing my grip.
I'm slipping, the strength to save myself is there, and at the same time, it's too late to use it. Simply because I'm not going to use it, for whatever reason.
I guess I'm putting this here because it's easy, because I'm tired, and because I'm sorry. It's not here as a whine, maybe it's a cry for help, but I'm too lazy to actually face the lot of you and tell you I need help, I'm to scared to tell anyone I need help, I'm too weak to admit it, even now.