I get by with a little help from my friends
Thank you to Jennie for letting me talk her ear off this afternoon/evening...
So, my life has kind of been in a sucky place lately. I seem to mainly post on lj when I am feeling lonely or upset, so I apologize for that, but this is kind of my last refuge sometimes. However, despite my life being kind of sucky, I am feeling pretty good mainly due to getting to talk to some friends today. I am so not a telephone person, but I needed to have a little contact with someone. [Seriously, I actually called some of my relatives--I'm surprised hell didn't freeze over.]
School has been amazing. I <3 grad school, seriously. It is just the rest of my life that is a mess and sucks. I quit my job last December to focus on school (yay loans!), but when I tried to find a part-time job this Spring, I basically found it to be impossible. So I have no money right now. (Actually, I have $6.) I am currently subleasing a section of living room in an apartment complex near(ish) my school. The building is kind of ghetto (and mildew-y), but the inside of the apartment isn't too bad (just dingy). However, I really really miss having a bedroom door. And furniture--I am so sick of my air mattress. And because of the no-money situation, I can't go anywhere--even taking muni is too expensive. So I am confined to the radius around my apartment that I can walk to (which thankfully includes school). My diet is composed primarily of ramen and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, which I haven't had to eat as a staple since my freshman year of college. I think I am poorer now than I have ever been and I don't really have a safety net this time round. Thankfully, I was able to enroll in summer school (for the class that I am a teaching assistant for--thanks to Matt in the psych office for some creative enrollment credits), so I'll be getting some financial aid around July 10th. I just need to make it until then... I have a couple feelers out for things, so fingers crossed.
Despite the housing/money mess, I was feeling pretty optimistic, though. But the school haze lifted after finals and I somehow discovered that during this last semester when I was focused on school, everyone else was forming these tight little social groups. Fall semester we all hung out together, and it was nice; I felt like I had met a group of people that I fit in with. But I guess even in a group of school-oriented psychology people I am still a freak. Fall semester I wasn't the only one sitting at the front of the classroom; Spring semester rolled around and everyone gravitated toward the back, and seemed to stop caring about classes. Except for me. At UCSC I felt really encouraged by my friends in the psych department to do well in school, and now I feel kind of isolated by how well I am doing. I did so well in all my classes that the other students stopped inviting me to study or do homework with them. I am at the top of my game academically--I aced all of my classes (2 with 100% or more), but somehow everything else dropped out from under me. When school ended, I realized that I don't really have a life or friends up here. All of my hobbies either cost money or were specific to Santa Cruz. My friends are you guys (plus some of you not on lj) and I never see any of you anymore. It seemed like I was making friends up here, but then things got busy and I got left behind. The reason I am taking a facebook hiatus is because it started to really hurt seeing pictures of all of them hanging out and talking to each other when I wasn't invited. If I had money, or an apartment, I would try to do something about it--invite people over, or try to arrange an outing, but I can't. And the one person in my program that I think I could try and reach out to to hang out with even with no money is out of town for most of the summer. So basically, I am bored, and pathetic, and friendless, and alone.
I normally try to avoid advertising my insecurities all over the place, but I feel like I really suck at making friends (real friends); it is like I don't know how anymore. I am really good at making acquaintances, or people that I have friendly relations with, but I don't know how to make real friends anymore. It seems like most of my friends became my friends because circumstances threw us together (don't get me wrong, I love you guys and I chose you guys, but I don't feel responsible for the friendship portion actually happening). And this whole thing is a vicious cycle, because I feel pathetic and alone for not being able to make friends, so therefore I don't have the self-confidence to actually go out and make friends. No friends + no money + no self-confidence = Tara is incredibly incredibly pathetic. Bust out the banners for the self-pity parade.
Didn't I start out this post saying that I actually felt pretty good? Oh yeah... Well, out of pure patheticness today I started going through my cell phone directory and calling people (if I didn't call you it is because I believe you not to be a telephone person and I didn't want it to be awkward, given that I am not a telephone person; either that or because I don't have your number, or because you live outside the US). I say that it was out of patheticness not that I wouldn't want to talk to you without the patheticness, but because I hate telephones. Most people I got voicemail. I actually even called relatives, and I did get through to a couple, but one of those calls made me feel even worse. Luckily Jennie answered her phone and I got to talk to her, which made me feel so much amazingly better. I just miss having friends around that I can talk to. I'm generally not a huge share-your-innermost feelings person, I more tend to just want people I can vent to and connect with somehow, but sometimes it is just really nice to be able to confide in someone.
And I feel stupid just dumping all of this out on lj, because you all mostly have real lives and aren't pathetic, but I also know that I have a tendency to isolate myself when I am feeling alone, so I am kind of hoping that by sharing this, I will somehow magically become less pathetic and feel like I have friends and a life again. Talking to people today reminded me of how important it is to have people in your life. So if you have a little room in your life for someone who is kinda pathetic right now, it would be nice to hear from you.
[Wow, seriously bipolar post, huh? I just re-read it...]
So, my life has kind of been in a sucky place lately. I seem to mainly post on lj when I am feeling lonely or upset, so I apologize for that, but this is kind of my last refuge sometimes. However, despite my life being kind of sucky, I am feeling pretty good mainly due to getting to talk to some friends today. I am so not a telephone person, but I needed to have a little contact with someone. [Seriously, I actually called some of my relatives--I'm surprised hell didn't freeze over.]
School has been amazing. I <3 grad school, seriously. It is just the rest of my life that is a mess and sucks. I quit my job last December to focus on school (yay loans!), but when I tried to find a part-time job this Spring, I basically found it to be impossible. So I have no money right now. (Actually, I have $6.) I am currently subleasing a section of living room in an apartment complex near(ish) my school. The building is kind of ghetto (and mildew-y), but the inside of the apartment isn't too bad (just dingy). However, I really really miss having a bedroom door. And furniture--I am so sick of my air mattress. And because of the no-money situation, I can't go anywhere--even taking muni is too expensive. So I am confined to the radius around my apartment that I can walk to (which thankfully includes school). My diet is composed primarily of ramen and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, which I haven't had to eat as a staple since my freshman year of college. I think I am poorer now than I have ever been and I don't really have a safety net this time round. Thankfully, I was able to enroll in summer school (for the class that I am a teaching assistant for--thanks to Matt in the psych office for some creative enrollment credits), so I'll be getting some financial aid around July 10th. I just need to make it until then... I have a couple feelers out for things, so fingers crossed.
Despite the housing/money mess, I was feeling pretty optimistic, though. But the school haze lifted after finals and I somehow discovered that during this last semester when I was focused on school, everyone else was forming these tight little social groups. Fall semester we all hung out together, and it was nice; I felt like I had met a group of people that I fit in with. But I guess even in a group of school-oriented psychology people I am still a freak. Fall semester I wasn't the only one sitting at the front of the classroom; Spring semester rolled around and everyone gravitated toward the back, and seemed to stop caring about classes. Except for me. At UCSC I felt really encouraged by my friends in the psych department to do well in school, and now I feel kind of isolated by how well I am doing. I did so well in all my classes that the other students stopped inviting me to study or do homework with them. I am at the top of my game academically--I aced all of my classes (2 with 100% or more), but somehow everything else dropped out from under me. When school ended, I realized that I don't really have a life or friends up here. All of my hobbies either cost money or were specific to Santa Cruz. My friends are you guys (plus some of you not on lj) and I never see any of you anymore. It seemed like I was making friends up here, but then things got busy and I got left behind. The reason I am taking a facebook hiatus is because it started to really hurt seeing pictures of all of them hanging out and talking to each other when I wasn't invited. If I had money, or an apartment, I would try to do something about it--invite people over, or try to arrange an outing, but I can't. And the one person in my program that I think I could try and reach out to to hang out with even with no money is out of town for most of the summer. So basically, I am bored, and pathetic, and friendless, and alone.
I normally try to avoid advertising my insecurities all over the place, but I feel like I really suck at making friends (real friends); it is like I don't know how anymore. I am really good at making acquaintances, or people that I have friendly relations with, but I don't know how to make real friends anymore. It seems like most of my friends became my friends because circumstances threw us together (don't get me wrong, I love you guys and I chose you guys, but I don't feel responsible for the friendship portion actually happening). And this whole thing is a vicious cycle, because I feel pathetic and alone for not being able to make friends, so therefore I don't have the self-confidence to actually go out and make friends. No friends + no money + no self-confidence = Tara is incredibly incredibly pathetic. Bust out the banners for the self-pity parade.
Didn't I start out this post saying that I actually felt pretty good? Oh yeah... Well, out of pure patheticness today I started going through my cell phone directory and calling people (if I didn't call you it is because I believe you not to be a telephone person and I didn't want it to be awkward, given that I am not a telephone person; either that or because I don't have your number, or because you live outside the US). I say that it was out of patheticness not that I wouldn't want to talk to you without the patheticness, but because I hate telephones. Most people I got voicemail. I actually even called relatives, and I did get through to a couple, but one of those calls made me feel even worse. Luckily Jennie answered her phone and I got to talk to her, which made me feel so much amazingly better. I just miss having friends around that I can talk to. I'm generally not a huge share-your-innermost feelings person, I more tend to just want people I can vent to and connect with somehow, but sometimes it is just really nice to be able to confide in someone.
And I feel stupid just dumping all of this out on lj, because you all mostly have real lives and aren't pathetic, but I also know that I have a tendency to isolate myself when I am feeling alone, so I am kind of hoping that by sharing this, I will somehow magically become less pathetic and feel like I have friends and a life again. Talking to people today reminded me of how important it is to have people in your life. So if you have a little room in your life for someone who is kinda pathetic right now, it would be nice to hear from you.
[Wow, seriously bipolar post, huh? I just re-read it...]