(no subject)
Who: Hayner and Roxas
Where: At home
When: Middle of the night
Rating: PG? PG-13?
Warnings: Boylove!
He was following her. He couldn't count how many times she'd told him not to follow her, but it was plenty enough so that he knew that what he was doing was wrong...But he had to know, he couldn't keep wondering forever, could he.
A young Roxas wove his way through the streets, side-stepping around those in his way while keeping his eyes glue to a woman in a light green dress only a few yards ahead. She had no idea he was there, but that was his intention. His mother was never to find out that he'd gone against her request and followed her.
Where she was going, Roxas had no clue, but she seemed to be very paranoid, always glancing over her shoulder as if she was planning to do something bad. Maybe she knew he was following....
And then suddenly, she turned down an alley way between two buildings, slipping out of sight with ease, as if she'd done this plenty of times before now. Roxas paused and blinked, confused and curious. Should he continue to follow her or....
Curiosity getting the better of him, Roxas glanced over his shoulder (much like his mother had been doing) and then crept towards the alley, making sure to be extremely quiet. As he turned the corner, he froze.
There in the alley was his mother, pressed up against the wall with one leg thrown over an unfamiliar man's hip, her head tipped back with her eyes closed as he buried his face against her pale neck, biting and kissing his way down. One of his grimy hands crept up her leg, pushing her dress up as it went.
Roxas was rooted to the spot, too shocked and confused and angry to move. So this was what his mother did...She sold herself to put food on the table. Roxas' face burned bright red in angry and his fists balled at his sides.
But before he could speak a word of his anger, the man suddenly drew a dagger from his vest and plunged it into her chest with a grim smile. Roxas' mother's eyes snapped open and her jaw dropped as she choked for words. The man let go of her and let her fall to the floor, picking the small amount of gil from her fingers; his payment...
Roxas' brows drew together tightly and his eyes clamed shut tighter, as he thrashed, legs shifting and kicking and twisting in the thin sheet that covered the small, cot-like bed that was pushed in the corner. His jaw was tense, as was the rest of his body, and a thin layer of sweat dotted his forehead.
Quiet, muttered whispers of protest and disbelief escaped Roxas' lips, flowing through the house and being virtually absorbed into the walls as his nightmare continued.
Hayner sat on the window sill. He was hunched over, face awkwardly pressed against the sort-of glass. He let out a sigh, his breath briefly fogging up a small spot in front of his face.
Something was off. Hayner may not have been the smartest person out there but he at least knew that. First of all... he couldn't sleep. It was odd for Hayner to feel this way, not quite restless but nowhere near content. Something was wrong.
He guessed something was wrong, anyway. What else could it be? Usually a night without sleep meant a good time for stealing or alcohol, but not on this night. Hayner's body felt heavy, but his head felt light. He wasn't even tired, or anything like that. When he thought about it, the last time he just watched the night sky was... well, way too far away.
Hayner wasn't exactly one for remembering things, either.
Faintly, he thought he could hear something, and this caused him to peel his face away from the window. He scratched his neck and looked toward the floor. Was there an animal in here? A kitten? It sounded like whimpering, or maybe---
But... no, he could almost hear words, and that meant...
"Roxas?" he whispered aloud.
No response. At least, not a coherent one.
A few seconds later, Hayner found himself in front of Roxas's small bed. No... something was definitely off here. Roxas looked scared, and for a moment it stunned the taller blond. Was he okay? He looked like he was having a nightmare---
"Hey... Roxas, are you okay?" He knew perfectly well that Roxas most likely wasn't, and sure as hell wasn't going to answer him, but he didn't know what else to do. Kneeling down in front of the bed, Hayner hesitantly touched Roxas's arm. His heart thumped. "Roxas?"
His mind too fuddled to think clearly, Roxas let the man walk away as if nothing had happened as he stumbled forward toward his mother. Her hand was clamped to her bleeding chest and her words were choked and wet sounding as blood bubbled up her throat.
"Mom..!" Roxas said as he dropped to his knees beside her, unsure what to do for a moment. Then he collapsed on her form, clutching her hand as tears rolled down his cheeks and he sobbed. With what strength she had left, she lifted a hand and touched his arm soothingly, a small, faint smiled touching her lips as her eyes fell closed and everything faded to black...
Her touch...It felt so real, like she was there...
Snapping his eyes open, Roxas stared straight up at the ceiling, but the pitch blackness of the house left him unaware if he was awake, or still dreaming. His chest was heaving and his brow was covered in a thin layer of sweat as he began to set into panic...No..His mother was dead...Dark, way too dark, something was touching him...
"No!" Roxas cried, his voice hoarse as he flailed his arms, trying to get away from whatever it was that was touching him. He kicked his legs and tried to shuffle away, but his feet were tangled in the thin sheet and he couldn't see...His heart pounded in his chest, his mind was racing, he couldn't see... "Stop, please!" he cried again, trying to push away whatever it was that was at the side of his bed. "You -- She's dead, you killed -- you took her! Get away!"
Roxas, still thinking that maybe he was in his dream, pushed and clawed at Hayner's arm's as he tried to get away, his whole form trembling.
"Whoa, whoa--!!"
Hayner tried to block the sudden attack, but Roxas caught him off guard and his arm was trapped in the blonde’s rage. Was it rage? Fury? Roxas was going nuts!
"Calm down-- Roxas-- Hey!" He spoke quickly, yelled in attempt to get Roxas to listen to him. What was going on? Roxas was living in his dreams; Hayner didn't think Roxas would go off on him like this otherwise. "Snap out of it!"
It didn't stop, though, and Hayner knew he had to do something. He had to get Roxas to come back to reality before he hurt himself--- Hayner could feel Roxas's body shaking against the bed and his voice sound terrified.
"Roxas-- Roxas!"
Hayner was beginning to panic. Without thinking he pounced on top of the other boy, trying his best to pin him to the bed. He fought with Roxas's flailing arms, trying desperately to hold him down. He could feel his heart beating hard and fast. He had to wake Roxas up---
"Roxas! It's okay, it's me--! It's me--!" He kept repeating the phrase over and over, his body closer to Roxas's than it had ever been before. He had to hold him down, couldn't let him stay like this. "It's me, Roxas-- It's okay, it's...--"
Roxas' mind slowly began to clear, but he still continued to fight, only not so strongly now. He struggled against Hayner's grip, still muttering panted words that made little sense, legs kicking every now and then as he began to realize that he was awake. He panted heavily, swallowing once, and then again as he tried to clear his throat and calm himself down, but nothing seemed to work. His hearted pounded, his eyes were wide, he was shaking, and he was sweating...
Snapping his eyes shut, Roxas tried to figure out what exactly had just happened, but his thoughts were just too jumbled and panicked and unclear. He was only able to catch snippets of his dream -- the worst parts, of course --, and this only caused him to tremble more violently.
Roxas slowly blinked open his eyes to the darkness, starting straight up at Hayner, though he was barely able to make him out. His fingers curled in slowly, forming fists, and the blonde suddenly realized...was it raining? No -- no, those were tears on his cheeks, drying slowly.
"H--.." he choked, his voice dying in his throat. He relaxed his fingers after a moment and turned his head away, biting on the inside of his lip. "..H-Hayn-ner...Let-..L-Let me g-go..." he grinded out, squeezing his eyes shut tight...
Hayner let out a breathy sigh when Roxas came to his senses, but he couldn't bring himself to obey Roxas's request. He loosened his grip on Roxas's arms but didn't let go because he didn't want to be pushed away. He squinted a bit, trying to get a good look of Roxas's face.
"No..." But despite his original thoughts and his words, he let go of Roxas's hands and pressed them on either side of his body. He didn't know why, but he felt like, if he could just keep Roxas like this, trapped under him, at least he'd be safe...
"Talk to me," he pleaded. Like he had the right to know-- "Tell me what's wrong."
Roxas pressed the butt of his palms against his closed eyes, turning on his side and pulling his knees up to his chest -- or at least he tried to, but his feet were still caught in the sheets. For a few long, silent minutes, Roxas lay like that on his side, slightly curled up and shaking, panting still a little.
What was wrong? Roxas wasn’t even entirely sure, everything was so mixed up in his head. ...Was that a dream or..a flashback? No...He hadn’t stayed the first time, he'd run away...Or had he just blocked what really happened from his mind? And why was Hayner -- No, that didn't matter.
God, and it was so dark. Why was it so dark...
After a few more seconds, Roxas opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out so he closed it and tried again. "...She's dead..Not coming back...S'da..rk...."
She? Who? The woman who owned this house---
But Hayner knew, and he didn't know what to say. What could he say? He never had parents, not that he could remember. Hayner didn't know a lot about Roxas's mom (it was a touchy subject, if there was one), but he knew that they were close.
"It's okay..." He knew Roxas was afraid of the dark, too, no matter how much he denied it. Roxas had had bad nights before, but this? This was worse than anything Hayner could remember. His voice was soft. "You're safe. Nothing's going to get you."
Swallowing hard, Hayner reached out and tried to touch Roxas again. He couldn't help but try. There was nothing else he could do. God, how he wanted to comfort him...
At Hayner's touch, Roxas flinched slightly, and then suddenly he lightly grabbed the other boy's wrist and pulled him forward, catching him a light hug. Roxas pressed his forehead against the side of Hayner's neck, and sighed slowly, shakily as he tried to calm himself down completely.
Twisting his ankles a bit, Roxas managed to untangle his feet and he shifted a little, sitting up while still keeping his grip on Hayner, fingers bunching up the back of his shirt. The blonde swallowed and exhaled again before he began to speak, his voice just a notch above a whisper. "You can't do what she did, you can't keep secrets f-from me. I could have s-saved her if -- if I knew, if she told me -- you can't --"
"I wouldn't," Hayner blurted out. "Ever--"
Some part of him resented Roxas's mom for this. If it weren't for her, Roxas wouldn't be hurting. But he knew it wasn't a logical or even legitimate resentment, so he kept it to himself. She left him here and he was suffering, but Hayner couldn't just accept that and move on. He couldn't. He couldn't be Roxas's mother but he sure as hell could be his best friend, and maybe even...
"I promise. I promise. Calm down," he said into Roxas's ear, repeated over and over. He held Roxas close, half because he wanted to, half because he had to. Roxas was depending on him right now. Roxas needed him, or at least, he wanted to think he did. He rubbed short lines up and down Roxas's spine. "I promise."
After a minute or so the room fell to silence, spare Roxas's breathing. Hayner didn't say anything else at first because he didn't know what Roxas needed to hear. He knew what he wanted to say but what if it came out wrong? Roxas was already shaken up pretty bad, and the last thing he needed was to make it worse.
"Roxas, I'm always going to be here for you, no matter what, because I love you," he said, staring at the darkness in front of him, wondering where the confidence suddenly came from. All he could hope was that Roxas didn't think he was making everything about himself, because in his head, it was all about Roxas. Everything. Living, breathing, dying. Good times and bad. He couldn't be with Roxas forever but he could try. He could wish.
He knew that they already went over this, but he didn't think he could stop saying it. After coming to accept his feelings, he couldn't just pretend like they weren't there. Man, he was selfish...
Roxas tightened his fingers around the bunched up material of Hayner's shirt at the boys last three words, swallowing quietly.
His mind was everywhere.
Was it just a dream, or was it real? Was that what had really happened, is that what he never witnessed because he was unable to believe his mother, and ran away? Or was this just some sick, stress-induced nightmare? Roxas didn't want to know which it was, but in the back of his mind, he knew. He knew she'd never be coming back...and somehow, he blamed himself.
Trembling faintly, Roxas flinched violently at the sound of a creaking floorboard, pressing closer to Hayner. The pitch blackness of the night just made everything worse. He just wanted to feel safe and stable and secure; grounded.
Roxas blinked, staring out into the darkness with wide, but blank, glassy eyes, the tear-streaks on his cheeks virtually invisible in the darkness. Unconsciously - no, he knew what he was doing - Roxas shifted and uncurled one of his arms, hesitantly touching his fingers to Hayner's neck, and then his jaw as he lifted his own head. His nose brushed against the other side of Hayner's jaw, and sliding his hand towards the back of the other blondes neck, he pulled him down and pressed his mouth against his.
Hayner felt goosebumps on his skin when Roxas touched his neck, and hot when he felt their lips touch. It still did a number on his insides, but at least he was able to function. This was the first time they kissed since, well, the first time, and it was still a strong sensation.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, somewhere locked away and hidden behind Hayner's normal thoughts, he thought Roxas might have been using him. He didn't know why that thought was there, but even as he kissed Roxas back, even as he softly brushed his lips against the other boy's, it was strong.
He wanted to be what Roxas needed, but... just what did Roxas need?
His arms fell to Roxas's lower back and he pilled away for a moment, resting his forehead against the other blonde’s.
"It's not your fault," he said, because something in him hold him it was the right thing to say.
Roxas shook his head a little, forehead pressing back against Hayner's, his eyes downcast. He relaxed his grip on the other boy, but didn't let go completely, at least not yet. "No..." He swallowed, trying to find his voice. "No, I could have stopped it, I could have done something...!" he said quietly, eyes flickering up for a moment looking for confused and lost and hurt and...disappointed? But in what?
Downcasting his eyes once more, Roxas hesitantly let go and glanced away as he scooted himself back, pulling his knees up and resting his chin on them, his arms curling around his legs. For some reason, he couldn't bring himself to look at Hayner, but he wasn't sure exactly why. Was he scared? Or was he disappointed, and confused that he'd pulled away.
Roxas pushed his feet under the sheets, still holding his legs, and spoke quietly. "Did..Did I wake you up? ...I'm sorry."
"No... I was awake already."
Hayner didn't like the sudden distance between himself and Roxas. It made him feel empty, if there was such a thing as an empty feeling. Without hesitation, he scooted toward Roxas and turned around, throwing an arm over Roxas's shoulder.
"But even if I wasn't... Don't worry about it."
He knew he couldn't tell Roxas how to feel. Roxas was going to have to realize himself that it wasn't his fault. That no matter what happened, it was meant to happen... or something like that. Hayner was never good with words.
"I'm gonna stay here with you tonight," he announced suddenly, looking over at Roxas's face. Yeah, Hayner was pushy, hard-headed, and arrogant, but... Well, there was nothing he oculd do about it. He didn't ask if it was okay because he knew if Roxas didn't want him to he'd say something.
Roxas subconsciously reached up and touched Hayner's wrist lightly with his fingers after the blonde had thrown his arm over his shoulder, and then wrapped his arm back around his knees. He leaned against Hayner a little and sighed quietly, claming his eyes shut and trying to push away the images of his dream that insisted on flashing in his head. It wasn't true, it was just a dream, and she wasn't dead... But as much as he tried to believe his thoughts, he couldn't... In the back of his mind, he knew it was true.
Opening his eyes slowly, Roxas frowned a bit and glanced at Hayner out of the corner of his eye, shifting slightly. "You - Hayner, you don't have to, I'll be fine...I just... I need something to drink, and I'll be fine."
After a moment's hesitation, Roxas slipped out from underneath Hayner's arm and kicked his feet over the side of the bed, intending to get up and get himself a glass of water from the kitchen. Unfortunately, he was met with a wall of darkness, and a lump forming in his throat. ...But he couldn't just sit there after telling Hayner he'd be okay. "I've got to get over this..." he muttered to himself, and with a deep breath, he got to his feet and began wandering into the darkness, eyes darting back and forth.
Hayner felt all torn up inside when Roxas got up to leave. He didn't know why, but sometimes, even though Roxas was his number one, definitely, the other blond made him feel like shit. As much as he'd like to say that it was Roxas's fault, he knew it wasn't. It was all because of Hayner's clinginess, for lack of a better word. He wanted to be wanted, was that so bad? He wanted to be needed the way he needed Roxas. But... once again, that was selfish.
Eh, he was always selfish. Who cared.
Standing up quietly, Hayner trudged along after Roxas into the darkness. He didn't know if it was because he didn't think Roxas should be alone or if he didn't want to be alone. Maybe it was both.
Roxas froze when he heard Hayner get up -- unaware for a few seconds that it was, indeed, just Hayner -- and then spun on his heel, his eyes wide as he looked back and forth. He was already far enough away from his room to create a barrier of blackness of which he could not see past, and he swallowed, trying not to panic...But then Hayner came into view and he relaxed, letting out a shaky, but heavy sigh.
Swallowing, he turned back around and continued towards the kitchen, tensing with every creak of a floorboard and every groan from the old house.
"Wh-.." He swallowed. "...What were you doing up?"
"Following you," Hayner replied, "obviously."
Letting out a sigh, Hayner continued to follow Roxas before he realized that not only was Roxas still freaked out about his nightmare, but he was afraid of the dark. He had suspicions but this was pretty good evidence...
Putting his arms around Roxas's shoulders, Hayner stopped walking and pulled the other blonde into a soft embrace from behind. He hugged him close and nuzzled his face into his hair.
"Don't be scared."
Roxas had tensed when Hayner first touched him, but soon relaxed, letting out a quiet sigh and closing his eyes. He swallowed, bringing one hand up to lightly touch Hayner's elbow. "...I'm so pathetic. This is so dumb..." he murmured, leaning back against the older boy for a moment. "Sorry..."
"Don't be. I know how it is."
Hayner squeezed Roxas closer to him for a single second, letting out a long breath. He didn't want to be away from Roxas for even a few seconds. It may have been a momentary feeling, but it was strong, nonetheless.
"I'm just worried, you know? I wish I could help somehow..." Shifting slightly, Hayner leaned down and planted a few soft kisses on Roxas's neck. He briefly touched his lips again Roxas's ear. "I'd do anything."
"It's so childish and...and -- unreasonable. I mean..." Roxas trailed off, not knowing exactly what to say or even explain or understand why he was afraid of the dark... Maybe he was just afraid of the unknown..
And yet somehow, with Hayner hugging him, he didn't fear nearly as scared as he usually did. He almost felt...well...protected. Safe. With Hayner there, the darkness didn't seem so haunting and heavy.
Roxas opened his mouth to say something else, but his words died as he felt Hayner kiss his neck once, twice, and then his ear. The blonde's stomach twisted in a strange way and his throat was suddenly dry as he found himself lifting his arm and reaching back to curl his fingers around the back of Hayner's neck.
Hayner grinned into the side of Roxas's head. He wanted Roxas to feel secure, even though he didn't think of himself as the best source of security out there. He was hardly reliable and not at all dependable... Maybe Roxas needed someone that was.
For now, though, all Hayner could do was stand there with his arms around Roxas, hoping that maybe Roxas needed him and was okay with having him. Hayner was sure that he wouldn't be able to let him go if he wanted to.
"You gonna be okay tonight?" he asked softly. "And my offer still stands from earlier. I wanna sleep with you."
... That came out completely wrong.
"Erm, you know what I mean." And Hayner found himself slightly embarrassed.
Roxas blinked, and then found himself laughing quietly, trying to stifle it by biting his lip. He managed to get himself under control a few moments later and sighed lightly, turning his head a little to look at Hayner out of the corner of his eye, his hand still cupping the back of the other boy's neck. ..Laughing felt good and Hayner felt warm and strong... So much stronger than he could ever be.
"Man, I am so messed up..." He said, thinking out loud.
Turning slightly in Hayner's arms, Roxas faced him. "...I'll be okay," he said quietly. "And...you..you can stay...if you want..."
"I do." Hayner smiled.
He still felt a weird awkward feeling in his chest due to his previous comment, but did his best to shrug it off. He didn't exactly feel like dwelling on it at the moment. All he wanted was for Roxas to be okay. And judging by his soothing laughter, Hayner was doing a pretty good job at helping with the process.
Dropping his arms from around Roxas, Hayner took the other blonde’s hand and led him in the general direction of Roxas's bed. Since he'd been awake for so long, he could see pretty well in the dark. He knew where he was going.
Roxas smiled faintly and squeezed Hayner's fingers gently, following after the older boy. All fears of the darkness seemed to fade away along with the images of his nightmare. Right now, none of that mattered, he was safe, and he would be for the rest of the night.
Roxas waited for Hayner to climb into bed and hesitated only for a moment before he crawled in after him. He paused for a moment, and then scooted closer, draping his arm over Hayner's side and closing his eyes with a quiet sigh. He'd be safe like this, with Hayner, if only for tonight.
Where: At home
When: Middle of the night
Rating: PG? PG-13?
Warnings: Boylove!
He was following her. He couldn't count how many times she'd told him not to follow her, but it was plenty enough so that he knew that what he was doing was wrong...But he had to know, he couldn't keep wondering forever, could he.
A young Roxas wove his way through the streets, side-stepping around those in his way while keeping his eyes glue to a woman in a light green dress only a few yards ahead. She had no idea he was there, but that was his intention. His mother was never to find out that he'd gone against her request and followed her.
Where she was going, Roxas had no clue, but she seemed to be very paranoid, always glancing over her shoulder as if she was planning to do something bad. Maybe she knew he was following....
And then suddenly, she turned down an alley way between two buildings, slipping out of sight with ease, as if she'd done this plenty of times before now. Roxas paused and blinked, confused and curious. Should he continue to follow her or....
Curiosity getting the better of him, Roxas glanced over his shoulder (much like his mother had been doing) and then crept towards the alley, making sure to be extremely quiet. As he turned the corner, he froze.
There in the alley was his mother, pressed up against the wall with one leg thrown over an unfamiliar man's hip, her head tipped back with her eyes closed as he buried his face against her pale neck, biting and kissing his way down. One of his grimy hands crept up her leg, pushing her dress up as it went.
Roxas was rooted to the spot, too shocked and confused and angry to move. So this was what his mother did...She sold herself to put food on the table. Roxas' face burned bright red in angry and his fists balled at his sides.
But before he could speak a word of his anger, the man suddenly drew a dagger from his vest and plunged it into her chest with a grim smile. Roxas' mother's eyes snapped open and her jaw dropped as she choked for words. The man let go of her and let her fall to the floor, picking the small amount of gil from her fingers; his payment...
Roxas' brows drew together tightly and his eyes clamed shut tighter, as he thrashed, legs shifting and kicking and twisting in the thin sheet that covered the small, cot-like bed that was pushed in the corner. His jaw was tense, as was the rest of his body, and a thin layer of sweat dotted his forehead.
Quiet, muttered whispers of protest and disbelief escaped Roxas' lips, flowing through the house and being virtually absorbed into the walls as his nightmare continued.
Hayner sat on the window sill. He was hunched over, face awkwardly pressed against the sort-of glass. He let out a sigh, his breath briefly fogging up a small spot in front of his face.
Something was off. Hayner may not have been the smartest person out there but he at least knew that. First of all... he couldn't sleep. It was odd for Hayner to feel this way, not quite restless but nowhere near content. Something was wrong.
He guessed something was wrong, anyway. What else could it be? Usually a night without sleep meant a good time for stealing or alcohol, but not on this night. Hayner's body felt heavy, but his head felt light. He wasn't even tired, or anything like that. When he thought about it, the last time he just watched the night sky was... well, way too far away.
Hayner wasn't exactly one for remembering things, either.
Faintly, he thought he could hear something, and this caused him to peel his face away from the window. He scratched his neck and looked toward the floor. Was there an animal in here? A kitten? It sounded like whimpering, or maybe---
But... no, he could almost hear words, and that meant...
"Roxas?" he whispered aloud.
No response. At least, not a coherent one.
A few seconds later, Hayner found himself in front of Roxas's small bed. No... something was definitely off here. Roxas looked scared, and for a moment it stunned the taller blond. Was he okay? He looked like he was having a nightmare---
"Hey... Roxas, are you okay?" He knew perfectly well that Roxas most likely wasn't, and sure as hell wasn't going to answer him, but he didn't know what else to do. Kneeling down in front of the bed, Hayner hesitantly touched Roxas's arm. His heart thumped. "Roxas?"
His mind too fuddled to think clearly, Roxas let the man walk away as if nothing had happened as he stumbled forward toward his mother. Her hand was clamped to her bleeding chest and her words were choked and wet sounding as blood bubbled up her throat.
"Mom..!" Roxas said as he dropped to his knees beside her, unsure what to do for a moment. Then he collapsed on her form, clutching her hand as tears rolled down his cheeks and he sobbed. With what strength she had left, she lifted a hand and touched his arm soothingly, a small, faint smiled touching her lips as her eyes fell closed and everything faded to black...
Her touch...It felt so real, like she was there...
Snapping his eyes open, Roxas stared straight up at the ceiling, but the pitch blackness of the house left him unaware if he was awake, or still dreaming. His chest was heaving and his brow was covered in a thin layer of sweat as he began to set into panic...No..His mother was dead...Dark, way too dark, something was touching him...
"No!" Roxas cried, his voice hoarse as he flailed his arms, trying to get away from whatever it was that was touching him. He kicked his legs and tried to shuffle away, but his feet were tangled in the thin sheet and he couldn't see...His heart pounded in his chest, his mind was racing, he couldn't see... "Stop, please!" he cried again, trying to push away whatever it was that was at the side of his bed. "You -- She's dead, you killed -- you took her! Get away!"
Roxas, still thinking that maybe he was in his dream, pushed and clawed at Hayner's arm's as he tried to get away, his whole form trembling.
"Whoa, whoa--!!"
Hayner tried to block the sudden attack, but Roxas caught him off guard and his arm was trapped in the blonde’s rage. Was it rage? Fury? Roxas was going nuts!
"Calm down-- Roxas-- Hey!" He spoke quickly, yelled in attempt to get Roxas to listen to him. What was going on? Roxas was living in his dreams; Hayner didn't think Roxas would go off on him like this otherwise. "Snap out of it!"
It didn't stop, though, and Hayner knew he had to do something. He had to get Roxas to come back to reality before he hurt himself--- Hayner could feel Roxas's body shaking against the bed and his voice sound terrified.
"Roxas-- Roxas!"
Hayner was beginning to panic. Without thinking he pounced on top of the other boy, trying his best to pin him to the bed. He fought with Roxas's flailing arms, trying desperately to hold him down. He could feel his heart beating hard and fast. He had to wake Roxas up---
"Roxas! It's okay, it's me--! It's me--!" He kept repeating the phrase over and over, his body closer to Roxas's than it had ever been before. He had to hold him down, couldn't let him stay like this. "It's me, Roxas-- It's okay, it's...--"
Roxas' mind slowly began to clear, but he still continued to fight, only not so strongly now. He struggled against Hayner's grip, still muttering panted words that made little sense, legs kicking every now and then as he began to realize that he was awake. He panted heavily, swallowing once, and then again as he tried to clear his throat and calm himself down, but nothing seemed to work. His hearted pounded, his eyes were wide, he was shaking, and he was sweating...
Snapping his eyes shut, Roxas tried to figure out what exactly had just happened, but his thoughts were just too jumbled and panicked and unclear. He was only able to catch snippets of his dream -- the worst parts, of course --, and this only caused him to tremble more violently.
Roxas slowly blinked open his eyes to the darkness, starting straight up at Hayner, though he was barely able to make him out. His fingers curled in slowly, forming fists, and the blonde suddenly realized...was it raining? No -- no, those were tears on his cheeks, drying slowly.
"H--.." he choked, his voice dying in his throat. He relaxed his fingers after a moment and turned his head away, biting on the inside of his lip. "..H-Hayn-ner...Let-..L-Let me g-go..." he grinded out, squeezing his eyes shut tight...
Hayner let out a breathy sigh when Roxas came to his senses, but he couldn't bring himself to obey Roxas's request. He loosened his grip on Roxas's arms but didn't let go because he didn't want to be pushed away. He squinted a bit, trying to get a good look of Roxas's face.
"No..." But despite his original thoughts and his words, he let go of Roxas's hands and pressed them on either side of his body. He didn't know why, but he felt like, if he could just keep Roxas like this, trapped under him, at least he'd be safe...
"Talk to me," he pleaded. Like he had the right to know-- "Tell me what's wrong."
Roxas pressed the butt of his palms against his closed eyes, turning on his side and pulling his knees up to his chest -- or at least he tried to, but his feet were still caught in the sheets. For a few long, silent minutes, Roxas lay like that on his side, slightly curled up and shaking, panting still a little.
What was wrong? Roxas wasn’t even entirely sure, everything was so mixed up in his head. ...Was that a dream or..a flashback? No...He hadn’t stayed the first time, he'd run away...Or had he just blocked what really happened from his mind? And why was Hayner -- No, that didn't matter.
God, and it was so dark. Why was it so dark...
After a few more seconds, Roxas opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out so he closed it and tried again. "...She's dead..Not coming back...S'da..rk...."
She? Who? The woman who owned this house---
But Hayner knew, and he didn't know what to say. What could he say? He never had parents, not that he could remember. Hayner didn't know a lot about Roxas's mom (it was a touchy subject, if there was one), but he knew that they were close.
"It's okay..." He knew Roxas was afraid of the dark, too, no matter how much he denied it. Roxas had had bad nights before, but this? This was worse than anything Hayner could remember. His voice was soft. "You're safe. Nothing's going to get you."
Swallowing hard, Hayner reached out and tried to touch Roxas again. He couldn't help but try. There was nothing else he could do. God, how he wanted to comfort him...
At Hayner's touch, Roxas flinched slightly, and then suddenly he lightly grabbed the other boy's wrist and pulled him forward, catching him a light hug. Roxas pressed his forehead against the side of Hayner's neck, and sighed slowly, shakily as he tried to calm himself down completely.
Twisting his ankles a bit, Roxas managed to untangle his feet and he shifted a little, sitting up while still keeping his grip on Hayner, fingers bunching up the back of his shirt. The blonde swallowed and exhaled again before he began to speak, his voice just a notch above a whisper. "You can't do what she did, you can't keep secrets f-from me. I could have s-saved her if -- if I knew, if she told me -- you can't --"
"I wouldn't," Hayner blurted out. "Ever--"
Some part of him resented Roxas's mom for this. If it weren't for her, Roxas wouldn't be hurting. But he knew it wasn't a logical or even legitimate resentment, so he kept it to himself. She left him here and he was suffering, but Hayner couldn't just accept that and move on. He couldn't. He couldn't be Roxas's mother but he sure as hell could be his best friend, and maybe even...
"I promise. I promise. Calm down," he said into Roxas's ear, repeated over and over. He held Roxas close, half because he wanted to, half because he had to. Roxas was depending on him right now. Roxas needed him, or at least, he wanted to think he did. He rubbed short lines up and down Roxas's spine. "I promise."
After a minute or so the room fell to silence, spare Roxas's breathing. Hayner didn't say anything else at first because he didn't know what Roxas needed to hear. He knew what he wanted to say but what if it came out wrong? Roxas was already shaken up pretty bad, and the last thing he needed was to make it worse.
"Roxas, I'm always going to be here for you, no matter what, because I love you," he said, staring at the darkness in front of him, wondering where the confidence suddenly came from. All he could hope was that Roxas didn't think he was making everything about himself, because in his head, it was all about Roxas. Everything. Living, breathing, dying. Good times and bad. He couldn't be with Roxas forever but he could try. He could wish.
He knew that they already went over this, but he didn't think he could stop saying it. After coming to accept his feelings, he couldn't just pretend like they weren't there. Man, he was selfish...
Roxas tightened his fingers around the bunched up material of Hayner's shirt at the boys last three words, swallowing quietly.
His mind was everywhere.
Was it just a dream, or was it real? Was that what had really happened, is that what he never witnessed because he was unable to believe his mother, and ran away? Or was this just some sick, stress-induced nightmare? Roxas didn't want to know which it was, but in the back of his mind, he knew. He knew she'd never be coming back...and somehow, he blamed himself.
Trembling faintly, Roxas flinched violently at the sound of a creaking floorboard, pressing closer to Hayner. The pitch blackness of the night just made everything worse. He just wanted to feel safe and stable and secure; grounded.
Roxas blinked, staring out into the darkness with wide, but blank, glassy eyes, the tear-streaks on his cheeks virtually invisible in the darkness. Unconsciously - no, he knew what he was doing - Roxas shifted and uncurled one of his arms, hesitantly touching his fingers to Hayner's neck, and then his jaw as he lifted his own head. His nose brushed against the other side of Hayner's jaw, and sliding his hand towards the back of the other blondes neck, he pulled him down and pressed his mouth against his.
Hayner felt goosebumps on his skin when Roxas touched his neck, and hot when he felt their lips touch. It still did a number on his insides, but at least he was able to function. This was the first time they kissed since, well, the first time, and it was still a strong sensation.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, somewhere locked away and hidden behind Hayner's normal thoughts, he thought Roxas might have been using him. He didn't know why that thought was there, but even as he kissed Roxas back, even as he softly brushed his lips against the other boy's, it was strong.
He wanted to be what Roxas needed, but... just what did Roxas need?
His arms fell to Roxas's lower back and he pilled away for a moment, resting his forehead against the other blonde’s.
"It's not your fault," he said, because something in him hold him it was the right thing to say.
Roxas shook his head a little, forehead pressing back against Hayner's, his eyes downcast. He relaxed his grip on the other boy, but didn't let go completely, at least not yet. "No..." He swallowed, trying to find his voice. "No, I could have stopped it, I could have done something...!" he said quietly, eyes flickering up for a moment looking for confused and lost and hurt and...disappointed? But in what?
Downcasting his eyes once more, Roxas hesitantly let go and glanced away as he scooted himself back, pulling his knees up and resting his chin on them, his arms curling around his legs. For some reason, he couldn't bring himself to look at Hayner, but he wasn't sure exactly why. Was he scared? Or was he disappointed, and confused that he'd pulled away.
Roxas pushed his feet under the sheets, still holding his legs, and spoke quietly. "Did..Did I wake you up? ...I'm sorry."
"No... I was awake already."
Hayner didn't like the sudden distance between himself and Roxas. It made him feel empty, if there was such a thing as an empty feeling. Without hesitation, he scooted toward Roxas and turned around, throwing an arm over Roxas's shoulder.
"But even if I wasn't... Don't worry about it."
He knew he couldn't tell Roxas how to feel. Roxas was going to have to realize himself that it wasn't his fault. That no matter what happened, it was meant to happen... or something like that. Hayner was never good with words.
"I'm gonna stay here with you tonight," he announced suddenly, looking over at Roxas's face. Yeah, Hayner was pushy, hard-headed, and arrogant, but... Well, there was nothing he oculd do about it. He didn't ask if it was okay because he knew if Roxas didn't want him to he'd say something.
Roxas subconsciously reached up and touched Hayner's wrist lightly with his fingers after the blonde had thrown his arm over his shoulder, and then wrapped his arm back around his knees. He leaned against Hayner a little and sighed quietly, claming his eyes shut and trying to push away the images of his dream that insisted on flashing in his head. It wasn't true, it was just a dream, and she wasn't dead... But as much as he tried to believe his thoughts, he couldn't... In the back of his mind, he knew it was true.
Opening his eyes slowly, Roxas frowned a bit and glanced at Hayner out of the corner of his eye, shifting slightly. "You - Hayner, you don't have to, I'll be fine...I just... I need something to drink, and I'll be fine."
After a moment's hesitation, Roxas slipped out from underneath Hayner's arm and kicked his feet over the side of the bed, intending to get up and get himself a glass of water from the kitchen. Unfortunately, he was met with a wall of darkness, and a lump forming in his throat. ...But he couldn't just sit there after telling Hayner he'd be okay. "I've got to get over this..." he muttered to himself, and with a deep breath, he got to his feet and began wandering into the darkness, eyes darting back and forth.
Hayner felt all torn up inside when Roxas got up to leave. He didn't know why, but sometimes, even though Roxas was his number one, definitely, the other blond made him feel like shit. As much as he'd like to say that it was Roxas's fault, he knew it wasn't. It was all because of Hayner's clinginess, for lack of a better word. He wanted to be wanted, was that so bad? He wanted to be needed the way he needed Roxas. But... once again, that was selfish.
Eh, he was always selfish. Who cared.
Standing up quietly, Hayner trudged along after Roxas into the darkness. He didn't know if it was because he didn't think Roxas should be alone or if he didn't want to be alone. Maybe it was both.
Roxas froze when he heard Hayner get up -- unaware for a few seconds that it was, indeed, just Hayner -- and then spun on his heel, his eyes wide as he looked back and forth. He was already far enough away from his room to create a barrier of blackness of which he could not see past, and he swallowed, trying not to panic...But then Hayner came into view and he relaxed, letting out a shaky, but heavy sigh.
Swallowing, he turned back around and continued towards the kitchen, tensing with every creak of a floorboard and every groan from the old house.
"Wh-.." He swallowed. "...What were you doing up?"
"Following you," Hayner replied, "obviously."
Letting out a sigh, Hayner continued to follow Roxas before he realized that not only was Roxas still freaked out about his nightmare, but he was afraid of the dark. He had suspicions but this was pretty good evidence...
Putting his arms around Roxas's shoulders, Hayner stopped walking and pulled the other blonde into a soft embrace from behind. He hugged him close and nuzzled his face into his hair.
"Don't be scared."
Roxas had tensed when Hayner first touched him, but soon relaxed, letting out a quiet sigh and closing his eyes. He swallowed, bringing one hand up to lightly touch Hayner's elbow. "...I'm so pathetic. This is so dumb..." he murmured, leaning back against the older boy for a moment. "Sorry..."
"Don't be. I know how it is."
Hayner squeezed Roxas closer to him for a single second, letting out a long breath. He didn't want to be away from Roxas for even a few seconds. It may have been a momentary feeling, but it was strong, nonetheless.
"I'm just worried, you know? I wish I could help somehow..." Shifting slightly, Hayner leaned down and planted a few soft kisses on Roxas's neck. He briefly touched his lips again Roxas's ear. "I'd do anything."
"It's so childish and...and -- unreasonable. I mean..." Roxas trailed off, not knowing exactly what to say or even explain or understand why he was afraid of the dark... Maybe he was just afraid of the unknown..
And yet somehow, with Hayner hugging him, he didn't fear nearly as scared as he usually did. He almost felt...well...protected. Safe. With Hayner there, the darkness didn't seem so haunting and heavy.
Roxas opened his mouth to say something else, but his words died as he felt Hayner kiss his neck once, twice, and then his ear. The blonde's stomach twisted in a strange way and his throat was suddenly dry as he found himself lifting his arm and reaching back to curl his fingers around the back of Hayner's neck.
Hayner grinned into the side of Roxas's head. He wanted Roxas to feel secure, even though he didn't think of himself as the best source of security out there. He was hardly reliable and not at all dependable... Maybe Roxas needed someone that was.
For now, though, all Hayner could do was stand there with his arms around Roxas, hoping that maybe Roxas needed him and was okay with having him. Hayner was sure that he wouldn't be able to let him go if he wanted to.
"You gonna be okay tonight?" he asked softly. "And my offer still stands from earlier. I wanna sleep with you."
... That came out completely wrong.
"Erm, you know what I mean." And Hayner found himself slightly embarrassed.
Roxas blinked, and then found himself laughing quietly, trying to stifle it by biting his lip. He managed to get himself under control a few moments later and sighed lightly, turning his head a little to look at Hayner out of the corner of his eye, his hand still cupping the back of the other boy's neck. ..Laughing felt good and Hayner felt warm and strong... So much stronger than he could ever be.
"Man, I am so messed up..." He said, thinking out loud.
Turning slightly in Hayner's arms, Roxas faced him. "...I'll be okay," he said quietly. "And...you..you can stay...if you want..."
"I do." Hayner smiled.
He still felt a weird awkward feeling in his chest due to his previous comment, but did his best to shrug it off. He didn't exactly feel like dwelling on it at the moment. All he wanted was for Roxas to be okay. And judging by his soothing laughter, Hayner was doing a pretty good job at helping with the process.
Dropping his arms from around Roxas, Hayner took the other blonde’s hand and led him in the general direction of Roxas's bed. Since he'd been awake for so long, he could see pretty well in the dark. He knew where he was going.
Roxas smiled faintly and squeezed Hayner's fingers gently, following after the older boy. All fears of the darkness seemed to fade away along with the images of his nightmare. Right now, none of that mattered, he was safe, and he would be for the rest of the night.
Roxas waited for Hayner to climb into bed and hesitated only for a moment before he crawled in after him. He paused for a moment, and then scooted closer, draping his arm over Hayner's side and closing his eyes with a quiet sigh. He'd be safe like this, with Hayner, if only for tonight.