(no subject)

[gottastruggle]

Who: Hayner & Roxas
Were: The Usual Spot, their house
When: Evening after Roxas gets done looking for a job
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Boylove! Finally! 8D And language. A lot of angst going on.



This was what Hayner needed.

After what happened with Roxas, he'd been feeling a little down. Too down for his own good, actually. He'd been sleeping outside again, avoiding the lower class area, and just being generally miserable. He didn't like that he found himself deep in thought. The past few days had been just awful. He couldn't even get his feelings straight in his head, let alone think about what to do about them.

It didn't matter at that moment though, not with his 'girlfriend' on his lap. Not with her tongue in his mouth. Not with his hands all over her back, gripping and pawing while she ran her hands through his hair. Not even in The Usual Spot, where the room felt like Roxas. This girl, whatever her name was, she was what he needed. She could be his escape from his problems.

It was pathetic, though, because even though he wanted to get lost in this girl, wanted to pretend like he didn't have mixed feelings--- even though he could feel her pressed up against him and in his mouth, even though her choppy breathing was loud in his ears, all he could think about was...

Three days and Roxas still had no luck finding a job. He was either too young or too inexperienced or incapaable of doing every single available job out there. That, or people didn't want to worry about being caught employing an orphan. Roxas sighed. He had enough gil saved up from his previous job; enough to get him and Hayner by for a while. A week at least....

Hayner.

Roxas hadn't seen the boy for the past few days, and it was starting to worry him a little. No, not a little, a lot. It was unlike Hayner to go missing or disappear without letting Roxas know somehow. Even when he'd been thrown in kail, Hayner still managed to let him know so he wouldn't worry. But not this time. No note left in a mindjournal, no scribbled shorthand left on the 'kitichen' table, nothing. For three days.

Hayner felt guilty. Roxas knew. He knew that the blonde was blaming himself for getting Roxas fired when Roxas had tried to get it through his skull that it wasn't his fault. Hayner just didn't seem to want to listen.

Having looked just about everywhere for his friend, Roxas decided he'd try one more place before checking the jail -- the last place he hoped Hayner would be. So, he made his way to The Usual Spot, hands hands tucked deep in his pockets, shoes scuffing quietly against the ground.

It was true-- Roxas getting fired was his fault. Who else's fault could it be? It wasn't Roxas's, that was for sure. Roxas was responsible, Roxas was dependable. Not like him. Hayner was the one who got thrown in jail, and he was also the one who let Roxas know. If he didn't, there was a small chance of Roxas even looking for him and...

Not only that, but the way he acted afterward was nagging at the back of his mind. He was being a real idiot. It was almost like he... Roxas... or something... But there was no way. That was weird, wasn't it?

Hayner was lost in his own thoughts. He could hardly get ahold of himself, and by the moment he was growing more and more desperate. This girl, she wanted something from him, and it wasn't just physical attention. She wanted a relationship, and she made a point of telling him this beforehand.

There was nothing he could do about that, though. He didn't want that, and he wasn't going to pretend he did. She could take his silence however she wanted.

He nibbled on her lower lip, ran his hands over her skin. His breath was getting heavy. She was older than he was, and he knew he'd regret this later. But that was okay. After this he'd probably never see her again.

He was going to keep his promise and get a job. When this whole ordeal was over, he was going to get his act together and stop disappointing Roxas. Just as soon as he wasn't so goddamn frustrated.

Maybe...Maybe if he got down on his knees and begged, his old boss would reconsider and hire him again. It was low and degrading, but it was the only thing Roxas could think of. No one else wanted to hire him, and, admittedly, he kind of like his old job, despite some of the rude customers. That was it. If he didn't have a job by the end of the week, he was going to beg, and if that didn't work...well...He'd just have to brush up on his theiving skills...

Ugh. He hated stealing. Not to mention, he wasn't very good at it. At all.

Shaking his head, Roxas told himself he'd worry about a job and money and stealing later on when he had nothing better to do. He'd been in an off mood for the past few days anyways, and thinking about the whole job situation wasn't really helping. Besides, Hayner was more important at the moment. ..What if he was in trouble?

Glancing over his shoulder, Roxas rounded a corner and squeezed bast a rusted, old chainlink fence. He brushed himself off with a sigh and then moved towards the torn and battered tarp that served as the 'door' to the usual spot. He pushed it aside and walked through, freezing when he looked up. "H-- Oh..U-Um. Y-Y...I-I..S-Sorry, I didn't-!" he swallowed, grabbing desperately for something to say, but he came up with nothing, other than another stuttered 'sorry' before he turned on his heel and all but tripped past the tarp.

Hayner's eyes widened when he saw Roxas at the door, and his heart practically stopped when he turned to leave. He couldn't even come up with a coherant thought, let alone try to explain. The girl looked at him for a moment and then shrugged it off. She started kissing his neck and playing with the fabric of his shirt, but he couldn't move. This... this wasn't good. In fact, this could be very bad... Very... Something felt tight in his chest. The mood was obviously ruined. He couldn't stay here with her. He swallowed.

"I gotta go..." She looked at him with a confused look in her eyes, but she didn't get off of him. He felt like he was going to die if he didn't go try to explain or something. He didn't know why he felt so guilty, like he'd done something he wasn't supposed to do. He felt like he got caught cheating or something, but... it wasn't like that...

All of those confusing and irritating feelings were overwhelming by this point.

Hayner wiggled out from under the girl, trying desperately to straighten his clothes after he stood. She huffed and protested, but he couldn't even understand what she was saying. Without bothering to say goodbye, or even bothering to cover up his new and very obvious hickey, he made his way outside. His breath was heavy and uneasy, and he wasn't even sure what he was supposed to do now.

"...Roxas?" He scratched his neck, looking at the ground. He felt dizzy. "Roxas!"

Well didn't he just feel completely stupid. Here he was worried that maybe Hayner was in trouble or hurt or something, and he was just making out with some girl. Somehow, that mad him angry, irritated, annoyed. Roxas rarely got annoyed, let alone admitted it to himself that he was.

Clenching his teeth, Roxas pushed past the fence, ignoring the tear in his shirt from a ragged end. What bothered him the most was that Hayner let him go on worrying and staying up late wating for him to show up when nothing was even wrong. No note, nothing.

Rounding the corner, Roxas didn't even seem to notice when he bumped into someone - a younger child - knocking them down. He marched right on by, eyes fixed a head. He wasn't heading for the house.

Why was he so irritated? It didn't even make sense!

Spinning on his heel, the blonde turned to face Hayner, his voice unusually calm, creepily so. "Look, Hayner, it's okay. I didn't know you were there with a girl, I didn't mean to interrupt. I won't bother you guys. She's probably looking for you anyways."

Hayner wanted to die.

Why was he so guilty? It didn't even make sense!

Oh man, he could still taste her saliva in his mouth, and it was making him feel sick. Roxas's tone of voice made him feel anything but safe. It was too clam for his own liking, and he could feel the tension between them. Why? God damnit, why was this even happening? Hayner wasn't sure what the hell he was feeling and why, but seeing Roxas like this was making it hard to breathe correctly.

"I don't... care about her---" He didn't care that she was supposed to be his 'girlfriend.' He didn't care about her and he wasn't going to lie to Roxas and tell him he did. She was just a girl, just someone that would come and go when she pleased. It didn't matter if he left her right then and there.

Roxas was the only thing that mattered, and it pissed him off that he couldn't come up with a reason why.

Roxas's fingers curled slowly, forming fists at his sides. He exhaled, tilting his head as he looked at Hayner. This week was not a good week. "You--" he paused, eyeing the hickey on his neck with a rather sarcastic and uncharacteristic smirk. "You don't even know her name, do you? You don't even know her name!" Why her name mattered only really made sense to Roxas, but he wasn't about to explain it to Hayner again.

"Just forget it, it doesn't matter. I'm done being worried about whether or not you're in trouble, or hurt or dead, because obviously, you're not. Go find whatsername and convince her to give you another hickey on the other side because you look rediculous."

And with that said, all calm, mind you, he turn on his heel again and began to stalk off.

Hayner couldn't move. He couldn't think, couldn't feel anything, couldn't even breathe. He couldn't function when those words wormed thier way into his brain and replayed over and over -- it was a bomb, ticking, and he knew it wouldn't be too long until it exploded.

He didn't care?

Boom.

All at once, Hayner's body tensed up, his mind raced, and his body overflowed with anger. Roxas didn't fucking care? Good. Good. If Roxas didn't care, Hayner didn't care, either.

"Why the fuck..." He was boiling over with anger by this point, his legs moving quickly after his so-called 'friend.'

"You know what, Roxas? I can't even believe you---" He was yelling now, shaking almost voilently. "What, you're going to get pissed off now and never talk to me again? I don't even get why you're upset. It's---"

He didn't care how long he had to yell at the back of Roxas's head. He couldn't just let him walk away.

"It's not like you give a shit how I feel, anyway!"

That was it.

Roxas bit down on the inside of his cheek so hard that it had to be bleeding. He stopped walking the moment the last word left Hayner's mouth, and for a second he just stood there with his back to the other boy.

And then suddenly he turned and stalked right up to Hayner, eyes blazing and jaw tense as he did an awkward shove-and-grab, pushing Hayner away with as much force as he could, only to grab onto the boy's shirt and yank him forward before he could even fall. His face was so close now, his anger radiating as he stared into Hayner's eyes, fists trembling against Hayner's chest as he clutched his shirt. "Are you stupid?! Are you kidding me?!" he shouted, pulling Hayner's shirt a bit more.

"You're the only person I have to give a damn shit about! You're the only person that fucking matters! You think I don't care?! I've stayed up for the past three days looking for you and wondering where you were and if you were okay and what was going on! I've had four hours of sleep in the last three days wondering why there was no note or journal telling me where the hell you were!"

And then suddenly, Roxas shoved Hayner away, his face red as he practically panted for breath. "And now..." he continued, much quieter now. "And now you're doing the same exact thing she did..."

Hayner tried to swallow, but he couldn't. He had a red mark around his neck from how tightly Roxas was holding him. When Roxas shoved him backwards, Hayner stumbled but he didn't fall.

"I'm not..." His eyes narrowed. He spoke softly. "I'm not doing what she did."

He was angry, so incredibly angry, but he could barely get out a whisper at this point. Hayner knew what Roxas meant by 'she' and he couldn't bring himself to yell anymore. They were both hurting.

"You want to know why?" he asked, stepping closer. His heart was beating out of his chest, and it hurt, and he looked Roxas straight in the eye. He tried not to sound weak.

"Because..." he began a little louder, pausing, only to be followed by a bitter laugh, "because I can't get it across to myself, let alone you. And because I didn't know what to do, and I still don't, Roxas, I have no idea what the fuck to do, because I fucking love you and you just don't get it---"

His legs were locked in place and he could feel something burning in his eyes. He wasn't crying but he wanted to, wanted to so fucking badly. It was obvious enough. And then he added, still not looking away:

"I would never leave you the way she did."

Roxas swallowed, ignoring the faint, coppery taste in his mouth from his cheek as he tried to catch his breath, chest heaving. He couldn't remember ever being this mad, this angry. Not even..Not even when he realized that she was never coming back.

Did he want to know why? No. He wasn't sure that he actually did. But he didn't say so, just stared at Hayner with almost-blank eyes, face hardened and body stiff as Hayner stepped closer. Roxas met eyes with him, staring back firmly. His eyes burned, his head swam, and his chest felt tight, heart pounding against his ribs.

And suddenly, he was even more angry, so much that he was shaking. What was he supposed to do? Was he really mad? Or was he scared...?

What Hayner had said didn't completely register, but the word had. "She told me she loved me too," he said lowly, his voice steady and yet..hurt. "But she's not here now." His voice grew a little louder. "She's not here because she found someone better than me, someone who didn't weigh her down or get in the way or cry when she left him in the dark, so don't even say that because you won't mean it when you find that girl again."

"No--" Hayner shook his head. "You are wrong, Roxas."

He couldn't speak for Roxas's mom. He couldn't say that she loved Roxas, even though he bet she did. He couldn't tell Roxas why she left, because he didn't know. He couldn't be a source of comfort because Roxas never believed him.

"You're right about me not knowing that girl's name. I don't give a damn about her or her life or anything about her." He gripped Roxas's shoulders and his eyes narrowed even more. It wasn't so much him being stubborn than it was him being honest, and he wasn't used to it at all. It made his heart feel funny.

"I love you, Roxas, I know that for a fact. You can hurt me and yell and push me away all you want, but I don't care. I'll tell you over and over again until I die if that's what it takes."

Roxas reached up and grabbed Hayner's wrists, ready to shove him away again, but something stopped him. He didn't know what, but it'd definitely stopped him. His fingers tightened a little around Hayner's wrists, but he never let them go. He couldn't really bring himself to.

A million and one different things were running through Roxas' mind, both good and bad. He suddenly felt very confused, very weak, stupid, cery much like an ass, and kind of like he wanted to cry. Yeah, that burn behind his eyes definitely meant that he wanted to cry.

Roxas wanted to hurt Haner. He wanted to yell, and push him away and tell him how messed up and crazy and lost and fluttery he made him fell. He wanted to scream and shout and vent, but he could. All he could do, all he could think to do was --

Roxas suddenly leaned forward and crashed his lips against Hayner's so hard that in the back of his mind he could have sworn he heard his teeth click against the other boy's.

Hayner's eyes widened and he stepped back slightly at the contact, not knowing what to do. He didn't move at first-- just let Roxas do it. He could hardly understand what Roxas was doing, let alone respond.

But then he found himself kissing back, hard, just enough to get his point across. His stomach did front flips and back flips to the point where he felt almost like puking from the feeling. He didn't know how to feel with the emotion that swept over him.

"What... was that for?" he asked breathlessly afterward, his eyes filled with more hope than ever before. Now, all he could hope was that this wasn't a really fucked up dream, and that Roxas wouldn't take it back.

Roxas breathed choppily, swallowing as he blinked at both himself and Hayner. What'd just happened there? Whatever it was, it had totally wiped his previous, angry feelings. Now he wasn't exactly sure what he felt. His stomach was all twisty and his chest felt hollow, but a good kind of hollow (is there a good kind of hollow? he wondered for half a second). And he wasn't mad.

Glancing sideways, and then down towards his feet, Roxas swallowed again, opening his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He brought his hand up, absently touching his lips, and then tried again, keeping his eyes averted, his stare a bit blank. "I-I...I don't know, I-..."

He drifted off, not quite sure what to say, and cautiously glanced up. He had a feeling Hayner was going to kill him...

Hayner, lips bruised now more than ever, couldn't remember being more confused. Usually he was pretty damn good at understanding himself, but at that moment he felt something so entirely new that he had no idea how describe it.

His anger had left the moment Roxas kissed him, and by this point he forgot what it felt like.

"I get it." He smiled, almost a little disappointed. It probably came through in his voice. "Just pretend like it never happened."

Hayner wasn't about to put Roxas in an awkward situation. If that meant holding back his feelings right after coming to accept them, he'd do it. For Roxas, he'd do it.

"Sorry, man." He backed up, not knowing what to do or where to go from here. It might have been the disappointment, but all he wanted to do was turn and run.

Roxas shook his head, pushing his fingers into his hair and pulling a little in..no, it wasn't frustration, but he didn't know what to call it. "N-No!- I mean..I..That- you..." he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to get his head together. No no no. You don't just kiss your best friend like you know he's going to die tomorrow and then just forget about it. Especially when you...really didn't want to because...

Sighing, Roxas slid his hands out of his hair and rubbed his face, trying to figure out what to say and what not to say and whether or not he wanted to throw up. Throwing up would mean he woouldn't have to talk right away, but it would also make things ten times more awkward and...messy. Yeah. Throwing up was not an option. Not now, at any rate.

Dropping his hands, Roxas lifted his eyes and hesitantly met Hayner's. Maybe Hayner wanted to forget about it, and if that was what Hayner wanted, then he'd deal with that. Biting his lip to keep from frowning (though it didn't work all that well), Roxas nodded. "...O-Okay..."

This was what Hayner wanted, wasn't it? He wanted things to be normal, and he wanted to make sure he didn't mess things up. Agreeing that this never happened was doing that, wasn't it? It was saying that they were just best friends. It was saying that Hayner could try to pretend that he didn't have feelings for his best friend. This was the chance he had to just walk away.

But he couldn't. There was no way. Hayner didn't want to pretend or forget. He wanted to explore and replay over and over again. He wanted to know how Roxas felt.

"I meant what I said," he said quietly. "And... And I'll only pretend if you want me to, because..." He glanced to the side, moving his weight to the other leg. The concept of what had just happened was still a hard one to grasp. "Yeah."

Roxas rubbed the back of his neck and glanced at Hayner out of the corner of his eye, shifting his weight. "Can...Can we talk about this at h-...At the house?" he asked hesitantly, glancing around. He felt awkward just standing there out in the open. That, and if the girl Hayner'd been with shortly before was still around, he didn't want to see her.

"Y-You don't have to p-pretend...Can we just talk about this at home?" he said quietly, meeting Hayner's eyes. Roxas looked worn and beaten, and tired.

Hayner nodded and let out a sigh. It wasn't quite of relief, but it wasn't out of unhappiness, either. He walked toward Roxas -- but it felt really weird. He felt self-conscious and nervous, even worse than Roxas's current speech. He tilted his head from side to side in attempt to crack his neck, but it didn't pop. He had to act casual because he didn't know how to act.

"I guess we should go then..." He looked down at Roxas, eyes glowing. He wasn't sure... how he should act.

"Y-Yeah..." Roxas muttered and paused for a moment before he turned and began walking in the direction of the house, brushing by Hayner. He got a few steps passed and then stopped when he didn't hear Hayner's footsteps following. Looking over his shoulder, he raised his brows slightly, almost disappointedly. "...You coming?" he questioned, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck.

Hayner found himself just staring at Roxas when he began walking away, and he couldn't move at first because he didn't know what to expect once they got there. From where they were to the Lower Class area was long enough to where he could see things getting extremely awkward, and he didn't want that.

"Yeah." He offered Roxas a weary grin, and then suddenly darted past him. He wanted to make this as quick and painless as possible.

"I'll race you there!"

Roxas blinked, staring at the spot where Hayner had been a few seconds ago for a few moments, and then looked back to see him running ahead. The blonde found himself smiling faintly, despite the last ten minutes, and shook his head slightly as he broke into a run. "That's not fair, you cheated already!" he called after Hayner.

Hayner had always been a faster runner, both of them knew, but that didn't really matter. Roxas pushed himself harder, trying to catch up to the other boy. He didn't think it was fair that Hayner got a head start, but that didn't mean he still wasn't going to try and beat him.

"I guess I'm a cheater then!"

Hayner chuckled to himself when Roxas came after him. This was the sort of thing that Hayner lived for: having fun. Screwing around. Living without a care in the world. Hayner didn't want to mess that up just because he cared more about Roxas than anyone else. He didn't know what exactly Roxas wanted to talk about once they got home, and just the thought of it was making him uneasy, but he was willing to deal with that.

Good times with Roxas were worth everything, so even if he had to let his feelings go, as long as he still had the chance to do this, he'd be okay.

Hayner ran past his now presumably ex-girlfriend, and he grinned apologetically at her. She was a pretty girl. She'd find someone else in no time.

Ten minutes later found Roxas standing outside the front door to the house, panting with his hands on his knees, supporting his weight. Hayner had beaten him by a long shot -- as always, it never changed. Roxas had only won a race one time, and he was pretty sure it was only because Hayner had let him.

Catching his breath, Roxas straightened up, paused for a minute, and then turned to mess with the doorknob. There was no key that he knew of, but the doorknob stuck, and only Roxas -- and probably Hayner -- knew just how to turn it to get it open. Roxas pushed the door open and peered inside. Pitch black...Not good. And he still hadn't bought any more matches.

Swallowing, Roxas cleared his throat and wandered inside, nudging the door farther open for Hayner with his foot as he passed.

Hayner followed Roxas inside, and for some reason their place was extremely dark. It almost added to the creepy effect of the unknown... not that Hayner was being dramatic or anything. Trying not to jump immediately into an awkward conversation, Hayner tried to think of anything normal to say. He knew that it was impossible to have nothing to say.

"You... don't like the dark, do you?"

Though after the words escaped his lips, he was sure that wasn't particularly a very good choice.

Roxas swallowed and crammed his hands into his pockets, eyes glancing back and forth rather skittishly. He bit his lip and swallowed, trying to ignore the fact that he couldn't see two feet in front of him. It was usually dark, but not this dark; the moon usually filtered through the windows, but not tonight.

"W-What? O-Of coourse, I do..." Aaand that was a total lie. Roxas hated the dark, but he'd never flat out admit it. He didn't know why it scared him, it just did. The past three nights had been the worse, especially without Hayner there...

Roxas was using that nervous tone again.

Hayner sighed, feeling around until he could find Roxas. He patted Roxas's head, not getting too close. He couldn't really see anything...

"Okay, seriously, stop that." Hayner grinned, though he knew Roxas couldn't see that. "I know I'm a freak and you probably don't want to be anywhere near me, but you don't have to feel nervous. Tell me to buzz off or something."

But with the lack of light and the odd closeness, Hayner found himself just wanting to kiss him again...

Roxas jumped severely at the unexpected contact, heart jumping into his throat. Yeah. Dark definitely wasn't good. "S-Stop wh-," he began, but cut himself off when Hayner continued to speak.

Frowing, Roxas turning in the direction of Hayner's voice, barely able to make out his outline. " H-Hayner, you're not a freak. Okay?"

He paused again and shifted, looking over to the right at the sound of a creaking floorboard. Why hadn't he bought some matches?

"You;re not a freak and-- and I'm sorry for um -- what I did. It's just, you said -- and I thought -- because you--." He was doingit again. Stuttering and tripping over his words, and it bothered him. "L-Look..I'm sorry, we can just f-forget about it and...yeah."

"I don't want..."

Hayner let his fingers run over Roxas's shadow. If he couldn't see him, he'd have to feel his way around. He found Roxas's lips at the tip of his thumb, and he took a moment to caress his cheek.

"...to forget."

He did mean what he said, and he never wanted to take it back. Roxas was the most important person to him, and he wanted that to be clear. He didn't want to make Roxas awkward and uncomfortable, but at the same time, he was getting mixed signals.

"Don't be sorry 'cause I'm not gonna take it back."

With that he leaned down and tilted his head, using his hand as a guide to Roxas's lips, and kissed him softly.

Roxas tensed for a moment, blinking with wide eyes at Hayner-- he could still just barely make him out. He was still at first, unsure of himself, and then suddenly, he was kissing Hayner back. His eyes fell closed and he tilted his head a little as he sighed through his nose.

Bringing his hands up, Roxas touched his fingers to the back of Hayner's wrist, the one closest to his face, his other hand hovering for a moment before it landed lightly against the other boy's shoulder.

Hayner shivered when Roxas kissed him back. He was expecting... Well, he didn't know what he was expecting. Rejection? Anger? Though in all reality, he still didn't know what to call this. There were no real clues to how Roxas felt, and he wasn't about to just ask. That would make things ten times weirder than before.

But he needed to know. He needed to know how far Roxas was willing to let this go. He needed to know if these feelings were okay or not.

Cautiously, Hayner ran his tongue over Roxas's bottom lip. Though part of it was a test, all Hayner wanted at that moment was to feel closer. He never wanted this moment to end.

Roxas's fingers gripped a little at Hayner's shoulder and around his wrist as he ran his tongue along his bottom lip. His chest tightened a little and suddenly he had no clue what to do. Roxas had never kissed anyone before Hayner... Never had a girlfriend or anything before. It was a miracle he wasn't panicking over whether or no he could kiss well.

Going purely on instinct, Roxas bunched the shoulder of Hayner's shirt in his fingers and unconsciously tugged him closer as he opened his mouth to him, a faint, stifled whimper-groan-thing sounded in the back of his throat.

Hayner could feel his stomach doing insane flips all over again. It was the greatest feeling of sickness he'd ever felt. It wasn't as if he'd never kissed anyone before (obviously), but he never really cared about them.

Letting his tongue slide into Roxas's mouth, Hayner brushed his tongue against the other boy's. When he was pulled closer he let his hands slide around Roxas's waist. His tongue glided all over Roxas's and he breathed heavily through his nose.

He'd never been so content before in his life.