Depressed
I'm never happy, not really. Even if I achieve something the feeling if fleeting at best. There's lots of stuff I don't know, how to be happy, how to be contented, how to have enough to be content and happy with what I have. I'm tired of working at everything and seeming to get nowhere. I devoted more time and resources than I'd care to divulge to try to make a relationship work, and all I've learned from it is that two people can't be transformed into what the other wants and that I apparently have intimacy issues. So I've gone from being an unhappy idealist to an unhappy cynic. At least idealists have hope. My roommate was watching "Girls" on HBO and after a bit of back and forth I decided I'd give it a fair watch instead of being turned off by the bits and pieces I had seen. There was a character who was avoiding her boyfriend that she wanted to break up with because he was too nice. All he did was care and do everything he could for her but she has begun to see him as a creepy uncle. The other girl said that the first girl is tired of eating him out. It pissed me off because it hit a chord. As a nice guy, a "pussy" if you will, I heard a lot when I was growing up about how women want men to be more sensitive, etc. so that became my default approach to women. So here I am about 30 and am single again because I'm too "soft". I can't be mad at women, I was misinformed. I can't help it since this is who I am. I'm sure there is some woman out there who enjoys getting showered with love without it killing their libido. Anyways, beyond that, I don't really want much other than to live comfortably or meaningfully and I have yet to discover the means to do either. That's probably why I enjoy video games so much. Lots of meaning and purpose and no bs to get in the way. Mario doesn't have to worry about rent while he's off saving the Princess, and instead of grinding a meaningless job to make enough to maintain he out saving a fucking princess!