Original Stuff: Staged Love & Rained Fish
Because now I'm just avoiding the work I know I should be doing.... Here are some original writings I was forced to do for Playwriting. I should have never taken this class.
Staged Love
[On an empty stage sit two high school girls, JULIA and EMILY. A blinding spotlight hits them.]
JULIA
Too bright! Matt, it’s too bright!
[The light dims. MATT enters and sits close to JULIA, who moves closer to EMILY]
EMILY
Thanks for doing this for us, Matt. You’re a God.
JULIA
A fucking God.
MATT
It was just one little switch.
JULIA
Well, it was a God like switch
EMILY
Thanks, anyway. The rest of the committee bailed on us and you know Julia.
JULIA
Machines die around me. Explode occasionally.
MATT
Yeah, well, I don’t mind and, anyway, I had something to ask you. You know those bands you like? The ones coming down Saturday.
JULIA
They sold out in like -
MATT
I got two tickets. [EMILY nudges JULIA in the side] So I was thinking -
JULIA
Sex. [Startled, blurting it out quickly]
MATT
Wh - What? [EMILY and MATT give JULIA a shocked look]
JULIA
I read somewhere that guys think of… of fucking every nine seconds.
EMILY
What are you - [JULIA gives EMILY look] Oh! Yeah! I’ve heard that too. Is it true?
MATT
Wha - Well… No! I was thinking if on Saturday-
JULIA
Bet you’re thinking about it now.
MATT
No. I - wait. Were you thinking about it?
JULIA
No, pervert. Not like you are.
MATT
I’m not -
JULIA
I know what you’re thinking. And… Eww!
EMILY
What?
JULIA
Gross!
EMILY & MATT
What?
JULIA
Me and Emily AND Angelina Jolie? That is disgusting Matt!
MATT
I wasn’t -
JULIA
And a GOAT?
MATT
WHAT? Julia, I wasn’t thinking about any of that!
JULIA
[Laughing, ruffling up MATT’S hair] I’m just kidding.
EMILY
Is that how you treat your best friend?
MATT
Only most of the time.
JULIA
He knows I’m mean and he likes me anyway.
EMILY
Poor Matt. He’s such a masochist for you.
JULIA
He’s a Matt’ochist.
MATT
[Laughs nervously] Anyway, umm… I was thinking about Saturday…
JULIA
You know, I - [EMILY nudges her again, less discreetly now] God. I wish I’d known, you know, because I have this… this thing planned.
MATT
Oh…
JULIA
Yeah… Sorry…. But -
MATT
Well, no. It’s cool. Just cause I had two tickets is all… Anyway, I’ve gotta go.
EMILY
Thanks for helping, Matt…
MATT
Yeah, no problem. [MATT gets up and leaves and JULIA waves him goodbye]
JULIA
You know… Every time he asks me out, it gets harder to say no.
EMILY
That wasn’t saying no. That was avoiding. He’s way too… nice for you, anyway.
JULIA
Plus, you know, that whole part about us. [Leans in to kiss EMILY]
EMILY
Yeah, I - [Pulls back] - Wait, a goat?
JULIA
See? I told you boys are gross.
...AND IT RAINED FISH...
ACT ONE, SCENE ONE
[GIRL ONE is standing at a bus stop. She is bundled up in a few layers of clothes, desperately trying to do her make up despite the cold wind. GIRL TWO runs onto stage, similarly dressed for the cold weather and out of breath.]
GIRL TWO
Thank God. Thank God, thank God. I thought… I thought I was going to be late again.
GIRL ONE
Late for what? Standing out in the fucking cold?
GIRL TWO
At least… At least dad doesn’t have to drive me to school. He always gets so pissed. Especially in the winter. Convertibles are not fun in the winter.
GIRL ONE
I would kill for my dad to have that convertible, you know that? I’ll be lucky to get a car at all.
GIRL TWO
Well, they won’t let me drive it until I’m passing math, so I don’t see the point, anyway.
GIRL ONE
Hey, at least - [She is cut off as a homeless man enters the scene. He is shouting nonsensical phrases, holding up a sign that reads THE END IS NEAR. The girls move away from him.] Jesus, you think they could clear the streets off. What does he even want? Us to suddenly cower in fear? Oh no, it’s raining frogs and fish! It’s the apocalypse! Save me!
GIRL TWO
I think he just needs some money, or some food or something.
GIRL ONE
What’s it matter? It isn’t like he’s going to get it that way.
GIRL TWO
I was just saying, maybe he just needs some help.
GIRL ONE
What? Are you going to, like, date him or something?
GIRL TWO
Yeah, right. It will be a cold day in hell before that happens.
SCENE TWO
[Setting is the inside of what looks like a New York Subway, graffiti and all. SLOTH (a young man, looking like a bum) is seated, playing a PSP. VANITY (a beautiful young girl in the latest fashion) is standing, looking at her reflection in the window. The train is at a stop, and FURY (a crazed looking man in a white jumpsuit and straightjacket with spasles of bloood over the clothes) enters.]
PLEASANT FEMALE INTERCON VOICE
Sector Five. Sector Five. Rivers of blood, dismemberment, and tormented ice field. We hope you enjoyed your stay in Sector Five. Have a nice day. [The train lurches to a start.]
VANITY
-And so I said, Lucy, baby you can’t send me without a little prep work. I mean, last time I was up there moles were in fashion. The French carried them around in little boxes, sticking them on their faces whenever. I will not make a fool of myself. Anyway, it’s - Owe. [Reaches down to rub at her heel] I can’t believe these shoes. You know what I think?
SLOTH
[Pulling on a jacket] Hate the lower levels… So fucking cold….
FURY
[Visibly shaking and jumping around, a bit paranoid, taking a seat next to SLOTH] Been years since I’ve been to the surface.
SLOTH
Mmm…. Hmmm…. [Paying more attention to his game than anyone else]
VANITY
Whoever invented these…. What are they called? It’s… It’s like a knife… Stilettos! Whoever invented these, they should burn in hell.
FURY
What the fuck is that?
SLOTH
‘S a Play Station Portable. ‘M been playing it all month…
VANITY
Or maybe they already are. I hope they are. I hope they have to wear stilettos forever.
PLEASANT FEMALE INTERCON VOICE
Sector Four. Sector Four. Flaming tombs of entrapped heretics, city of Dis, gift shop. We hope you enjoyed your stay in Sector Four. Have a nice day.
FURY
[Leaning over to watch SLOTH] You’re… You’re killing things. [He twitches]
SLOTH
Mmhmm….
FURY
You think… You think that’s real? You think they’re having a war?
VANITY
Of course, I look good in them. It’s like I say, I would look good in anything. But they’re giving me calluses.
SLOTH
I guess…. I don’t really care, man.
VANITY
Calluses are NOT sexy.
FURY
I hope… I hope they are. Maybe… Maybe religion. Or something like.. What was that one fought about? The big one? Those are the best kind. Make me really get into the job when it’s something like that. Something… Can’t wait to see what they’re over now.
SLOTH
They’re all big, man. They’re all about something. I don’t think it matters, you know? Just chill down. Why don’t you stop moving so much? Making me nauseous, man.
VANITY
Of course, it wouldn’t take much. It’s like I say, one of those fake-lipped, brushed up girls says that calluses make her feel sexy and the next day - BAM - full page ad on how to get them. There would be a hundred dollar products for getting calluses.
SLOTH
Better than having to work for them, you know?
VANITY
Exactly, Mooch. It’s like I say, movie stars are the best invention of mankind. I mean. to come up with a repression, fascist system that people are toppling over to follow? Only man could come up with something like that.
FURY
What the fuck are you going about?
PLEASANT FEMALE INTERCON VOICE
Sector Three. Sector Three. Eternal war on the banks of the Styx. Seats available from now until all eternity. We hope you enjoyed your stay in Sector Three. Have a nice day.
VANITY
Excuse me?
FURY
You… You just keep talking even when…. when no one cares and if you could get that through your smashable little skull-
SLOTH
Dude, calm down. No need to get worked up.
VANITY
Oh. This coming from a guy who can’t even dress up for the occasion? It’s like I say, people who don’t know fashion, don’t know anything. And you? Don’t know anything. I’ll have you know that people ADORE me. And you’re just jealous because I’m going to drag three times as many souls home.
SLOTH
Man, dude, my game. You guys are ruining my concentration.
PLEASANT FEMALE INTERCON VOICE
Sector Two. Sector Two. Violent storm of hail and spikes. Flesh eating maggots. Dante’s Café. We hope you enjoyed your stay in Sector Two. Have a nice day.
FURY
You really think that many people want to be pretty?
VANITY
It’s like I say, no one here gets it. It’s not all about killing or... Or whatever you do, Ava. My job is complicated. You have no idea how hard it is to utterly destroy a person’s self worth so that they do these things to get it back. No one would do this stuff just to be pretty. It’s deeper than that. You can’t just go all… alll stabbity on everyone.
FURY
[takes out a knife, holding it to VANITY’S THROAT] You wanna see about that?
SLOTH
Man, not cool. Not cool at all, dude. That’s way too much. We’re not even up there yet and you’re already trying to do work.
FURY
I just want this one kill and then-
VANITY
And then what? Honestly, you think you can get them all down here yourself? You need… You need to have flare. A presentation. [Sniffing at Fury, wrinkling her nose] Deodorant. You’re problem, and I know you’re probably, is that you don’t have the style I do. People line up for it if you make them want it. If they have to have what you’re selling, they’ll take anything. Even a knife in the throat looks good when you jazz it up and slap on a price tag.
FURY
You… You’re just… Fuck. [Storms towards the exit of the train] Don’t get it. You just don’t.
VANITY
It’s like I say, [Offering SLOTH her arm. He ignores her and keeps playing his game. VANITY kicks him in the shin.] Pay attention to me!
SLOTH
Hey! I lost that level. Man, now… Well, I guess that’s done. [Turns his game off and stands, walking over towards FURY]
VANITY
It’s like I say, it’s impossible to talk to people when they look like that.
PLEASANT FEMALE INTERCON VOICE
Sector One. Sector One. Warm, famine, terror, death, abuse, disease, politics, the human race. We hope you enjoyed your stay on Sector One. Have a nice day.
So, there is that... I got an 88 on my Crit Theory test, which is disappointing in that it's two points off an A and I SHOULD have gotten those points. I KNOW who the quote was from. It's good, though, in that the class itself is rather... difficult. Someone made a thirteen on the test. Ouch.
I'm now going to take my Shakespeare Midterm. You know how most people have breaks between their midterms and the rest of their work. That isn't me. I swear, as a law all english classes must have all the work in the last quarter of the semester. NOTHING for the first two months and then EVERYTHING at the end.
Staged Love
[On an empty stage sit two high school girls, JULIA and EMILY. A blinding spotlight hits them.]
JULIA
Too bright! Matt, it’s too bright!
[The light dims. MATT enters and sits close to JULIA, who moves closer to EMILY]
EMILY
Thanks for doing this for us, Matt. You’re a God.
JULIA
A fucking God.
MATT
It was just one little switch.
JULIA
Well, it was a God like switch
EMILY
Thanks, anyway. The rest of the committee bailed on us and you know Julia.
JULIA
Machines die around me. Explode occasionally.
MATT
Yeah, well, I don’t mind and, anyway, I had something to ask you. You know those bands you like? The ones coming down Saturday.
JULIA
They sold out in like -
MATT
I got two tickets. [EMILY nudges JULIA in the side] So I was thinking -
JULIA
Sex. [Startled, blurting it out quickly]
MATT
Wh - What? [EMILY and MATT give JULIA a shocked look]
JULIA
I read somewhere that guys think of… of fucking every nine seconds.
EMILY
What are you - [JULIA gives EMILY look] Oh! Yeah! I’ve heard that too. Is it true?
MATT
Wha - Well… No! I was thinking if on Saturday-
JULIA
Bet you’re thinking about it now.
MATT
No. I - wait. Were you thinking about it?
JULIA
No, pervert. Not like you are.
MATT
I’m not -
JULIA
I know what you’re thinking. And… Eww!
EMILY
What?
JULIA
Gross!
EMILY & MATT
What?
JULIA
Me and Emily AND Angelina Jolie? That is disgusting Matt!
MATT
I wasn’t -
JULIA
And a GOAT?
MATT
WHAT? Julia, I wasn’t thinking about any of that!
JULIA
[Laughing, ruffling up MATT’S hair] I’m just kidding.
EMILY
Is that how you treat your best friend?
MATT
Only most of the time.
JULIA
He knows I’m mean and he likes me anyway.
EMILY
Poor Matt. He’s such a masochist for you.
JULIA
He’s a Matt’ochist.
MATT
[Laughs nervously] Anyway, umm… I was thinking about Saturday…
JULIA
You know, I - [EMILY nudges her again, less discreetly now] God. I wish I’d known, you know, because I have this… this thing planned.
MATT
Oh…
JULIA
Yeah… Sorry…. But -
MATT
Well, no. It’s cool. Just cause I had two tickets is all… Anyway, I’ve gotta go.
EMILY
Thanks for helping, Matt…
MATT
Yeah, no problem. [MATT gets up and leaves and JULIA waves him goodbye]
JULIA
You know… Every time he asks me out, it gets harder to say no.
EMILY
That wasn’t saying no. That was avoiding. He’s way too… nice for you, anyway.
JULIA
Plus, you know, that whole part about us. [Leans in to kiss EMILY]
EMILY
Yeah, I - [Pulls back] - Wait, a goat?
JULIA
See? I told you boys are gross.
...AND IT RAINED FISH...
ACT ONE, SCENE ONE
[GIRL ONE is standing at a bus stop. She is bundled up in a few layers of clothes, desperately trying to do her make up despite the cold wind. GIRL TWO runs onto stage, similarly dressed for the cold weather and out of breath.]
GIRL TWO
Thank God. Thank God, thank God. I thought… I thought I was going to be late again.
GIRL ONE
Late for what? Standing out in the fucking cold?
GIRL TWO
At least… At least dad doesn’t have to drive me to school. He always gets so pissed. Especially in the winter. Convertibles are not fun in the winter.
GIRL ONE
I would kill for my dad to have that convertible, you know that? I’ll be lucky to get a car at all.
GIRL TWO
Well, they won’t let me drive it until I’m passing math, so I don’t see the point, anyway.
GIRL ONE
Hey, at least - [She is cut off as a homeless man enters the scene. He is shouting nonsensical phrases, holding up a sign that reads THE END IS NEAR. The girls move away from him.] Jesus, you think they could clear the streets off. What does he even want? Us to suddenly cower in fear? Oh no, it’s raining frogs and fish! It’s the apocalypse! Save me!
GIRL TWO
I think he just needs some money, or some food or something.
GIRL ONE
What’s it matter? It isn’t like he’s going to get it that way.
GIRL TWO
I was just saying, maybe he just needs some help.
GIRL ONE
What? Are you going to, like, date him or something?
GIRL TWO
Yeah, right. It will be a cold day in hell before that happens.
SCENE TWO
[Setting is the inside of what looks like a New York Subway, graffiti and all. SLOTH (a young man, looking like a bum) is seated, playing a PSP. VANITY (a beautiful young girl in the latest fashion) is standing, looking at her reflection in the window. The train is at a stop, and FURY (a crazed looking man in a white jumpsuit and straightjacket with spasles of bloood over the clothes) enters.]
PLEASANT FEMALE INTERCON VOICE
Sector Five. Sector Five. Rivers of blood, dismemberment, and tormented ice field. We hope you enjoyed your stay in Sector Five. Have a nice day. [The train lurches to a start.]
VANITY
-And so I said, Lucy, baby you can’t send me without a little prep work. I mean, last time I was up there moles were in fashion. The French carried them around in little boxes, sticking them on their faces whenever. I will not make a fool of myself. Anyway, it’s - Owe. [Reaches down to rub at her heel] I can’t believe these shoes. You know what I think?
SLOTH
[Pulling on a jacket] Hate the lower levels… So fucking cold….
FURY
[Visibly shaking and jumping around, a bit paranoid, taking a seat next to SLOTH] Been years since I’ve been to the surface.
SLOTH
Mmm…. Hmmm…. [Paying more attention to his game than anyone else]
VANITY
Whoever invented these…. What are they called? It’s… It’s like a knife… Stilettos! Whoever invented these, they should burn in hell.
FURY
What the fuck is that?
SLOTH
‘S a Play Station Portable. ‘M been playing it all month…
VANITY
Or maybe they already are. I hope they are. I hope they have to wear stilettos forever.
PLEASANT FEMALE INTERCON VOICE
Sector Four. Sector Four. Flaming tombs of entrapped heretics, city of Dis, gift shop. We hope you enjoyed your stay in Sector Four. Have a nice day.
FURY
[Leaning over to watch SLOTH] You’re… You’re killing things. [He twitches]
SLOTH
Mmhmm….
FURY
You think… You think that’s real? You think they’re having a war?
VANITY
Of course, I look good in them. It’s like I say, I would look good in anything. But they’re giving me calluses.
SLOTH
I guess…. I don’t really care, man.
VANITY
Calluses are NOT sexy.
FURY
I hope… I hope they are. Maybe… Maybe religion. Or something like.. What was that one fought about? The big one? Those are the best kind. Make me really get into the job when it’s something like that. Something… Can’t wait to see what they’re over now.
SLOTH
They’re all big, man. They’re all about something. I don’t think it matters, you know? Just chill down. Why don’t you stop moving so much? Making me nauseous, man.
VANITY
Of course, it wouldn’t take much. It’s like I say, one of those fake-lipped, brushed up girls says that calluses make her feel sexy and the next day - BAM - full page ad on how to get them. There would be a hundred dollar products for getting calluses.
SLOTH
Better than having to work for them, you know?
VANITY
Exactly, Mooch. It’s like I say, movie stars are the best invention of mankind. I mean. to come up with a repression, fascist system that people are toppling over to follow? Only man could come up with something like that.
FURY
What the fuck are you going about?
PLEASANT FEMALE INTERCON VOICE
Sector Three. Sector Three. Eternal war on the banks of the Styx. Seats available from now until all eternity. We hope you enjoyed your stay in Sector Three. Have a nice day.
VANITY
Excuse me?
FURY
You… You just keep talking even when…. when no one cares and if you could get that through your smashable little skull-
SLOTH
Dude, calm down. No need to get worked up.
VANITY
Oh. This coming from a guy who can’t even dress up for the occasion? It’s like I say, people who don’t know fashion, don’t know anything. And you? Don’t know anything. I’ll have you know that people ADORE me. And you’re just jealous because I’m going to drag three times as many souls home.
SLOTH
Man, dude, my game. You guys are ruining my concentration.
PLEASANT FEMALE INTERCON VOICE
Sector Two. Sector Two. Violent storm of hail and spikes. Flesh eating maggots. Dante’s Café. We hope you enjoyed your stay in Sector Two. Have a nice day.
FURY
You really think that many people want to be pretty?
VANITY
It’s like I say, no one here gets it. It’s not all about killing or... Or whatever you do, Ava. My job is complicated. You have no idea how hard it is to utterly destroy a person’s self worth so that they do these things to get it back. No one would do this stuff just to be pretty. It’s deeper than that. You can’t just go all… alll stabbity on everyone.
FURY
[takes out a knife, holding it to VANITY’S THROAT] You wanna see about that?
SLOTH
Man, not cool. Not cool at all, dude. That’s way too much. We’re not even up there yet and you’re already trying to do work.
FURY
I just want this one kill and then-
VANITY
And then what? Honestly, you think you can get them all down here yourself? You need… You need to have flare. A presentation. [Sniffing at Fury, wrinkling her nose] Deodorant. You’re problem, and I know you’re probably, is that you don’t have the style I do. People line up for it if you make them want it. If they have to have what you’re selling, they’ll take anything. Even a knife in the throat looks good when you jazz it up and slap on a price tag.
FURY
You… You’re just… Fuck. [Storms towards the exit of the train] Don’t get it. You just don’t.
VANITY
It’s like I say, [Offering SLOTH her arm. He ignores her and keeps playing his game. VANITY kicks him in the shin.] Pay attention to me!
SLOTH
Hey! I lost that level. Man, now… Well, I guess that’s done. [Turns his game off and stands, walking over towards FURY]
VANITY
It’s like I say, it’s impossible to talk to people when they look like that.
PLEASANT FEMALE INTERCON VOICE
Sector One. Sector One. Warm, famine, terror, death, abuse, disease, politics, the human race. We hope you enjoyed your stay on Sector One. Have a nice day.
So, there is that... I got an 88 on my Crit Theory test, which is disappointing in that it's two points off an A and I SHOULD have gotten those points. I KNOW who the quote was from. It's good, though, in that the class itself is rather... difficult. Someone made a thirteen on the test. Ouch.
I'm now going to take my Shakespeare Midterm. You know how most people have breaks between their midterms and the rest of their work. That isn't me. I swear, as a law all english classes must have all the work in the last quarter of the semester. NOTHING for the first two months and then EVERYTHING at the end.