How To Club in High School
Title: High School Never Ends (series) - How To Club in High School (v)
Rating: G
Word Count: 1278
Summary: highschool!AU where Jongdae is, well, Jongdae; Baekhyun is the person who everyone likes; Chanyeol isn't; hyperbole is as lost to Kyungsoo as the concept of blinking; Tao has a fabulous hipster following on instagram; Kris towers over everyone because physics; Lay and Luhan have gone into negative IQ values; Joonmyun seems to be EVERYWHERE; Sehun actually wants a future; Jongin could literally not care less and Minseok really doesn't know why he enrolled at this school in the first place
A/N: apparently more people have read this than I realised.....so I have more people to apologise to lol. um thanks for reading thus far and again sorry for all unfunny OTL this is a crack so there is no such thing as intelligent humour here yuP
Part i / Part ii / Part iii / Part iv
How To Club in High School
"It's completely ridiculous, really," explains Minseok to an uninterested Jongdae. "She wants me to go and get some extra credit and do some extracurriculars. This is complete lunacy!"
Jongdae arched a well-groomed eyebrow at Minseok, "mmhmm".
"No one should be doing anything extra. We should all only do exactly as much as we need to and what we deserve. Only then," Minseok slapped him palm onto the table, "will society be equal and fair."
"Stop being such a lazy ass and join some clubs, Minseok"
"I DON'T WANT TO"
"It's just to make your CV look better. You don't have to like the club or even be that active in it."
"But there are no good clubs in this dumb school" pouted Minseok.
"There are loads of clubs," shrugged Jongdae. "If you don't want to join any, then make one"
Minseok pondered for a bit. Making a club seemed above his (extremely) low effort ability. "Idk man, idk."
Jongdae shot him an unamused look. "Just join any club and bullshit your CV to make in sound better than it is. For example, I am the President of the Food-Tasting Association for a year and half. We have a 100% attendance record and every member feels that it is well-organised and they look forward to every meeting. A recent survey taken by the club showed an average satisfaction rating of 4.5/5" he nodded smugly.
"....can I join?"
"No. This is an exclusive club."
Minseok furrowed his brows, "exclusive?" Who the fuck is it exclusive to it's a club dedicated to EATING"
Jongdae shrugged nonchalantly, "it's exclusive to me." Minseok paused for a beat to look at his friend disbelievingly.
"So you're the only member"
"As well as the president, secretary, treasurer, shadow minister and poster boy" added Jongdae.
".....that's genius."
"I know."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sehun sat down heavily next to Tao, flipping his hair out of his face and sighing dramatically like a wronged heroine in a poorly-made rom-com. Tao didn't look up from his phone and continued to tap away at the screen.
Rude, sniffed Sehun. He leaned closer to Tao and sighed loudly again.
Tao didn't even blink in response.
Excuse you, scowled Sehun. He was of the firm belief that he should be given complete and undivided attention by whoever he wanted it from, whenever he wanted it basically by everyone all the time. Sehun draped himself across the other boy, blocking the view to his phone and sighed even louder than before. Tao gave him a piercing stare.
"If you want to talk about something then you should start the conversation."
Sehun straightened up, "yes well now that I have your attention I can." Tao seemed to look through him and Sehun suddered slightly; there's a reason why the school photographer had described Tao's eyes as 'haunting'.
The younger cleared his throat uncomfortably. "um, yes. See, no one wants to join my club and it makes me sad"
Tao's gaze softened and he grabbed Sehun's head, holding it against his bosom as he stroked his hair soothingly (he really can't help his maternal instincts) "and how does it make you feel?"
Sehun sniffed sadly and blinked back tears which weren't there "It makes me feel like...I'm worthless. Like no one likes me and that I...I-" he fake sobbed and Tao held him closer.
"You are not worthless. You are important. Ssshh don't cry. I'll join your club."
"Really?" asked Sehun, looking up hopefully. His older friend nodded in response and Sehun cackled and clapped his hands together in glee.
"EXCELLENT. Welcome to the Oh Sehun Is Better than Everyone Association. Our first meeting is Wednesday."
Tao's face became stony again.
"Leave."
----------------------------------------------------------------
Kris shouldn't have asked Chanyeol to suggest clubs, he realised, as Chanyeol continued to describe the World Of Warcraft club and Best Absolute Peanuts in excruciating detail. He would have left long ago but Chanyeol had managed to grab hold of his hand and was using it to demonstrate the exact way to kill an ogre while chattering excitedly about the different peanut varieties available in their hemisphere.
He continued to nod politely but he wasn't sure how much longer he could last. Had Chanyeol been a shorter person he would have simply patted his head and been on his way. It was very unnerving that this strange-and-possibly-crazy boy was not only near Kris' height, but also had a deep, rumbling voice that made Kris sound like a girl scout.
It was then that Kris heard a familiar cute voice yell "BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO TO CHINESE CLUB I'M NOT EVEN CHINESE" down the corridor. He looked over Chanyeol's unnaturally puffy hair and was greeted by the sight of a flailing Minseok being dragged backwards by another boy (the non-crazy Jong, he couldn't remember his name exactly).
"The club is for learning Chinese you don't have to be Chinese for the love of god"
Minseok's face was adorably scrunched up as he struggled against his friend's hold, "I don't want to learn Chinese! It's not like the Chinese want to learn me so what's the point"
Well that's not completely true, thought Kris. I wouldn't mind learning you. Wait, no that sounds creepy. I mean learning about you. Wait.....that still sounds creepy.
Kris cried out in pain as Chanyeol twisted his wrist in a direction God had not intended for it to be twisted in.
Chanyeol looked horrified "I'M SORRY I'M SO SO SORRY! It was an accident I just wanted to show you what the exact manoeuvre looks like!"
"....ah that's okay" Kris gingerly removed his arm from Chanyeol's grip "I'm just gonna go-"
"NO" Chanyeol grabbed Kris' shoulders and pulled his face close, "DON'T LEAVE ME"
Kris tried not to look directly into Chanyeol's manic eyes, "uh don't worry I'm just...uh late for....Chinese Club"
"Oh okay" the younger smiled brightly and released Kris. "I'll finish telling you about the quest later, okay?"
"uh, sure" hell no.
Kris followed the sound of Minseok's complaints to the club meeting, feeling a surge of gratitude for the shorter boy.
----------------------------------------------------
Minseok took one look at the Chinese members and turned to leave. Jongdae grabbed his friend's ear and pulled him back, giving him an admonishing look.
"You didn't tell me that they would be here"
'They' turned out to be Luhan and Lay (or Tweedledumber and Tweedledumbest as Minseok would say). Jongdae couldn't believe that his neighbour hadn't realised that a club dedicated to learning the Chinese language would be run by native speakers.
"Chen!" greeted Luhan with a soft smile. "Ni hao ma?"
"wtf is a chen"
"wo hen hao xie xie" replied Jongdae, elbowing Minseok in his stomach. "ni ne?"
"wo hen hao~ xie xie! Your pronunciation is getting better every time!"
Minseok was still confused. "Wait," he turned to Jongdae, "you're a chen??"
"Not "a chen". I am Chen. It's my Chinese name - Luhan gave it to me."
"where dafuq did he get 'chen' from"
Jongdae glared "does it even matter? Just say hello, sit down and learn Chinese"
"....hello"
Lay suddenly snapped out of reverie and spoke quickly in what Minseok could only assume was parseltongue. Luhan guffawed loudly and slapped his knees in response. A sense of dread filled Minseok's stomach and he knew this was a bad idea. Then Kris arrived and bowed slightly to everyone, causing the feeling of dread to be replaced my despair.
"Da jia hao. Wo shi Kris. Are you still accepting members?"
Lay nodded serenely. "Everyone is welcome to join." He turned his gaze to Minseok, a teasing smirk taking over his face, "especially you, Xiumin"
"wtf is a xiumin"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Part vi
A/N: bless u for surviving. sorry again. I'm going to crawl away now
Rating: G
Word Count: 1278
Summary: highschool!AU where Jongdae is, well, Jongdae; Baekhyun is the person who everyone likes; Chanyeol isn't; hyperbole is as lost to Kyungsoo as the concept of blinking; Tao has a fabulous hipster following on instagram; Kris towers over everyone because physics; Lay and Luhan have gone into negative IQ values; Joonmyun seems to be EVERYWHERE; Sehun actually wants a future; Jongin could literally not care less and Minseok really doesn't know why he enrolled at this school in the first place
A/N: apparently more people have read this than I realised.....so I have more people to apologise to lol. um thanks for reading thus far and again sorry for all unfunny OTL this is a crack so there is no such thing as intelligent humour here yuP
Part i / Part ii / Part iii / Part iv
How To Club in High School
"It's completely ridiculous, really," explains Minseok to an uninterested Jongdae. "She wants me to go and get some extra credit and do some extracurriculars. This is complete lunacy!"
Jongdae arched a well-groomed eyebrow at Minseok, "mmhmm".
"No one should be doing anything extra. We should all only do exactly as much as we need to and what we deserve. Only then," Minseok slapped him palm onto the table, "will society be equal and fair."
"Stop being such a lazy ass and join some clubs, Minseok"
"I DON'T WANT TO"
"It's just to make your CV look better. You don't have to like the club or even be that active in it."
"But there are no good clubs in this dumb school" pouted Minseok.
"There are loads of clubs," shrugged Jongdae. "If you don't want to join any, then make one"
Minseok pondered for a bit. Making a club seemed above his (extremely) low effort ability. "Idk man, idk."
Jongdae shot him an unamused look. "Just join any club and bullshit your CV to make in sound better than it is. For example, I am the President of the Food-Tasting Association for a year and half. We have a 100% attendance record and every member feels that it is well-organised and they look forward to every meeting. A recent survey taken by the club showed an average satisfaction rating of 4.5/5" he nodded smugly.
"....can I join?"
"No. This is an exclusive club."
Minseok furrowed his brows, "exclusive?" Who the fuck is it exclusive to it's a club dedicated to EATING"
Jongdae shrugged nonchalantly, "it's exclusive to me." Minseok paused for a beat to look at his friend disbelievingly.
"So you're the only member"
"As well as the president, secretary, treasurer, shadow minister and poster boy" added Jongdae.
".....that's genius."
"I know."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sehun sat down heavily next to Tao, flipping his hair out of his face and sighing dramatically like a wronged heroine in a poorly-made rom-com. Tao didn't look up from his phone and continued to tap away at the screen.
Rude, sniffed Sehun. He leaned closer to Tao and sighed loudly again.
Tao didn't even blink in response.
Excuse you, scowled Sehun. He was of the firm belief that he should be given complete and undivided attention by whoever he wanted it from, whenever he wanted it basically by everyone all the time. Sehun draped himself across the other boy, blocking the view to his phone and sighed even louder than before. Tao gave him a piercing stare.
"If you want to talk about something then you should start the conversation."
Sehun straightened up, "yes well now that I have your attention I can." Tao seemed to look through him and Sehun suddered slightly; there's a reason why the school photographer had described Tao's eyes as 'haunting'.
The younger cleared his throat uncomfortably. "um, yes. See, no one wants to join my club and it makes me sad"
Tao's gaze softened and he grabbed Sehun's head, holding it against his bosom as he stroked his hair soothingly (he really can't help his maternal instincts) "and how does it make you feel?"
Sehun sniffed sadly and blinked back tears which weren't there "It makes me feel like...I'm worthless. Like no one likes me and that I...I-" he fake sobbed and Tao held him closer.
"You are not worthless. You are important. Ssshh don't cry. I'll join your club."
"Really?" asked Sehun, looking up hopefully. His older friend nodded in response and Sehun cackled and clapped his hands together in glee.
"EXCELLENT. Welcome to the Oh Sehun Is Better than Everyone Association. Our first meeting is Wednesday."
Tao's face became stony again.
"Leave."
----------------------------------------------------------------
Kris shouldn't have asked Chanyeol to suggest clubs, he realised, as Chanyeol continued to describe the World Of Warcraft club and Best Absolute Peanuts in excruciating detail. He would have left long ago but Chanyeol had managed to grab hold of his hand and was using it to demonstrate the exact way to kill an ogre while chattering excitedly about the different peanut varieties available in their hemisphere.
He continued to nod politely but he wasn't sure how much longer he could last. Had Chanyeol been a shorter person he would have simply patted his head and been on his way. It was very unnerving that this strange-and-possibly-crazy boy was not only near Kris' height, but also had a deep, rumbling voice that made Kris sound like a girl scout.
It was then that Kris heard a familiar cute voice yell "BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO TO CHINESE CLUB I'M NOT EVEN CHINESE" down the corridor. He looked over Chanyeol's unnaturally puffy hair and was greeted by the sight of a flailing Minseok being dragged backwards by another boy (the non-crazy Jong, he couldn't remember his name exactly).
"The club is for learning Chinese you don't have to be Chinese for the love of god"
Minseok's face was adorably scrunched up as he struggled against his friend's hold, "I don't want to learn Chinese! It's not like the Chinese want to learn me so what's the point"
Well that's not completely true, thought Kris. I wouldn't mind learning you. Wait, no that sounds creepy. I mean learning about you. Wait.....that still sounds creepy.
Kris cried out in pain as Chanyeol twisted his wrist in a direction God had not intended for it to be twisted in.
Chanyeol looked horrified "I'M SORRY I'M SO SO SORRY! It was an accident I just wanted to show you what the exact manoeuvre looks like!"
"....ah that's okay" Kris gingerly removed his arm from Chanyeol's grip "I'm just gonna go-"
"NO" Chanyeol grabbed Kris' shoulders and pulled his face close, "DON'T LEAVE ME"
Kris tried not to look directly into Chanyeol's manic eyes, "uh don't worry I'm just...uh late for....Chinese Club"
"Oh okay" the younger smiled brightly and released Kris. "I'll finish telling you about the quest later, okay?"
"uh, sure" hell no.
Kris followed the sound of Minseok's complaints to the club meeting, feeling a surge of gratitude for the shorter boy.
----------------------------------------------------
Minseok took one look at the Chinese members and turned to leave. Jongdae grabbed his friend's ear and pulled him back, giving him an admonishing look.
"You didn't tell me that they would be here"
'They' turned out to be Luhan and Lay (or Tweedledumber and Tweedledumbest as Minseok would say). Jongdae couldn't believe that his neighbour hadn't realised that a club dedicated to learning the Chinese language would be run by native speakers.
"Chen!" greeted Luhan with a soft smile. "Ni hao ma?"
"wtf is a chen"
"wo hen hao xie xie" replied Jongdae, elbowing Minseok in his stomach. "ni ne?"
"wo hen hao~ xie xie! Your pronunciation is getting better every time!"
Minseok was still confused. "Wait," he turned to Jongdae, "you're a chen??"
"Not "a chen". I am Chen. It's my Chinese name - Luhan gave it to me."
"where dafuq did he get 'chen' from"
Jongdae glared "does it even matter? Just say hello, sit down and learn Chinese"
"....hello"
Lay suddenly snapped out of reverie and spoke quickly in what Minseok could only assume was parseltongue. Luhan guffawed loudly and slapped his knees in response. A sense of dread filled Minseok's stomach and he knew this was a bad idea. Then Kris arrived and bowed slightly to everyone, causing the feeling of dread to be replaced my despair.
"Da jia hao. Wo shi Kris. Are you still accepting members?"
Lay nodded serenely. "Everyone is welcome to join." He turned his gaze to Minseok, a teasing smirk taking over his face, "especially you, Xiumin"
"wtf is a xiumin"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Part vi
A/N: bless u for surviving. sorry again. I'm going to crawl away now