Chaos
January 23, 2007 - Tuesday -8:24 PM
Song by Mute Math.
Just got into a fight with my parents (man, do I sound cliched!). We've had a rocky relationship, involving me moving out several times, therapy, mention of a hospital, mention of a divorce, mention of disownment, mention of a convent in Siberia, physical abuse, and bullying. (Still cliched?) I'm a bit depressed (similiar to being slightly pregnant or kind of dead) and I can't sleep at night- I stayed up til 4AM yesterday and my heart started racing scary-fast. Then my dad throws this in my face the next day (today) and we get into a huge fight involving the fact that I'm childish and always have to get my own way and the fact that he manipulates me at every turn.
For the record? When I was in the second grade, he hit me. HARD. For reading at the dinner table. And then when I threatened to tell child care, he told me he didn't care if they took me away and he was better off without me. When I was in the second grade. He's also told me that I'll be misrable for the rest of my life no matter where I go (three months ago) and that he's never told me that I can do whatever I want in life because I can't, which is kind of crushing for a fourth grader to hear. He keeps saying he'll really change, and my mom always believes him, but I'm sick of it. And I'm trapped.
At school I never fit in, either. A girl last year kicked me off the lunch table and made everyone refuse to speak to me, just because I beat her in basketball. I ate alone in the library for a quarter. This year, people stole my stuff, made fun of me, made sexual remarks about me and random guys, made me misreable, essentially. It got so bad that I dropped out and am doing homeschooling.
I feel really bad. This entire place is just a toxic trap and I just want to escape. I want to go far, far away, away from him and his lies and manipulation; I just want to go someplace where I can get away from all this pettiness I faced at school and the pressure and hate and be free; go to New York or something, live in a dumpster, spend the day in the library, get a job, save up for a car to live in. Go to college and make something of myself. Go someplace where they can't hurt me anymore. I just want to be loved, have a normal life and not live in dread, not have this poison pumping through my veins. Cut the tumor out.
Advice appreciated.
Song by Mute Math.
Just got into a fight with my parents (man, do I sound cliched!). We've had a rocky relationship, involving me moving out several times, therapy, mention of a hospital, mention of a divorce, mention of disownment, mention of a convent in Siberia, physical abuse, and bullying. (Still cliched?) I'm a bit depressed (similiar to being slightly pregnant or kind of dead) and I can't sleep at night- I stayed up til 4AM yesterday and my heart started racing scary-fast. Then my dad throws this in my face the next day (today) and we get into a huge fight involving the fact that I'm childish and always have to get my own way and the fact that he manipulates me at every turn.
For the record? When I was in the second grade, he hit me. HARD. For reading at the dinner table. And then when I threatened to tell child care, he told me he didn't care if they took me away and he was better off without me. When I was in the second grade. He's also told me that I'll be misrable for the rest of my life no matter where I go (three months ago) and that he's never told me that I can do whatever I want in life because I can't, which is kind of crushing for a fourth grader to hear. He keeps saying he'll really change, and my mom always believes him, but I'm sick of it. And I'm trapped.
At school I never fit in, either. A girl last year kicked me off the lunch table and made everyone refuse to speak to me, just because I beat her in basketball. I ate alone in the library for a quarter. This year, people stole my stuff, made fun of me, made sexual remarks about me and random guys, made me misreable, essentially. It got so bad that I dropped out and am doing homeschooling.
I feel really bad. This entire place is just a toxic trap and I just want to escape. I want to go far, far away, away from him and his lies and manipulation; I just want to go someplace where I can get away from all this pettiness I faced at school and the pressure and hate and be free; go to New York or something, live in a dumpster, spend the day in the library, get a job, save up for a car to live in. Go to college and make something of myself. Go someplace where they can't hurt me anymore. I just want to be loved, have a normal life and not live in dread, not have this poison pumping through my veins. Cut the tumor out.
Advice appreciated.