Social Anxiety...(serious post)
I have to take a break from the funny (or, at least I hope you guys have thought it was funny) stuff to vent for a few. I'm fairly sure far back in this journal, I've probably vented on this or similar before, but I have to again.
I HATE that I have such social anxiety with people. Went to my HS reunion tonight (number 15) and I mostly just talked to the people that I have since HS. Don't get me wrong...with those folks, I had a great night. What sent me home bothered, though, is that I was so conflicted and (probably visible, though I hope not too much) anxious about talking to folks outside my comfort zone of friends and acquaintances. I mean, I thought about mingling more and chatting up folks, but there were so many people there that I can't remember and I feel like a total asshole when people come up and remember my name and I have no idea who they are (compounded by the fact that I'm out of work and living at home...it makes me more anxious because I feel like I haven't done anything in my life apart from my degree and all my medical bullshit). I spent a good portion of the night just broiling with anxiety, internally battling over going to talk to people and all the other stuff I listed.
And I hate it.
I hate that those kind of thoughts even crop up. Yes, I was mostly the nobody that most people, at least to me, ignored. I was the dorky loner who kept to himself because, particularly for the first two and a half years there, I didn't have many friends and I knew I was pretty much at the bottom of the school social hierarchy. It wasn't till I joined the music department that I opened up more and felt I had a place I belonged (though even then, it mostly wasn't with the chorus, which I joined, but rather with a number of people in the band/color guard).
But it's 15 fucking years later and I'm still the same overly anxious, mildly depressed at times guy. I feel like I bring all the shit life tosses on me on myself (certainly the medical stuff...my immune system multiple times now by inaction or over-action keeps causing issues, but to me, it's my own body doing it to itself). I really don't want to be this way and I do try to break out of the self-imposed shell, but I just seem to fail every time.
Ugh...this many years later and I just want to be able to cut lose and still can't. Instead, I just bury it under a smile and some jokes or retreat inward. Or purge it out online, apparently. I know I should just try harder to fix these things, but I feel like I'm flailing wildly every time I try to tackle them.
I dunno...I just don't. Times like this, I really wish someone could just rewire my stupid brain.
I HATE that I have such social anxiety with people. Went to my HS reunion tonight (number 15) and I mostly just talked to the people that I have since HS. Don't get me wrong...with those folks, I had a great night. What sent me home bothered, though, is that I was so conflicted and (probably visible, though I hope not too much) anxious about talking to folks outside my comfort zone of friends and acquaintances. I mean, I thought about mingling more and chatting up folks, but there were so many people there that I can't remember and I feel like a total asshole when people come up and remember my name and I have no idea who they are (compounded by the fact that I'm out of work and living at home...it makes me more anxious because I feel like I haven't done anything in my life apart from my degree and all my medical bullshit). I spent a good portion of the night just broiling with anxiety, internally battling over going to talk to people and all the other stuff I listed.
And I hate it.
I hate that those kind of thoughts even crop up. Yes, I was mostly the nobody that most people, at least to me, ignored. I was the dorky loner who kept to himself because, particularly for the first two and a half years there, I didn't have many friends and I knew I was pretty much at the bottom of the school social hierarchy. It wasn't till I joined the music department that I opened up more and felt I had a place I belonged (though even then, it mostly wasn't with the chorus, which I joined, but rather with a number of people in the band/color guard).
But it's 15 fucking years later and I'm still the same overly anxious, mildly depressed at times guy. I feel like I bring all the shit life tosses on me on myself (certainly the medical stuff...my immune system multiple times now by inaction or over-action keeps causing issues, but to me, it's my own body doing it to itself). I really don't want to be this way and I do try to break out of the self-imposed shell, but I just seem to fail every time.
Ugh...this many years later and I just want to be able to cut lose and still can't. Instead, I just bury it under a smile and some jokes or retreat inward. Or purge it out online, apparently. I know I should just try harder to fix these things, but I feel like I'm flailing wildly every time I try to tackle them.
I dunno...I just don't. Times like this, I really wish someone could just rewire my stupid brain.