Blue Kentucky highway.. heading for the line.
Greetings from Marion, VA. At least.. that's where I think I am.
Well.. it's been a LONG day driving, a sad day of goodbyes and a great night of movies and booze. I'm at 400 miles so hopefully tomorrow I only have 500 to go.. which is probably going to take 8-10 hours with the damn UHAUL on the back of my car.. transmission sucks with it up hills but it's arright. I'm in a beautiful Ramada and I don't think they allow pets. I've opted to pay cash and will be out bright and early. Pray for no barking.
I don't know what I'm doing and for some reason.. it feels good.. whatever it is. It's been a really sad weekend and a really tough couple of days and when all was said and done (or yelled and over with).. it was almost as if things went from really bad to confusing and comforting. I didn't want to stay friends.. or talk at all, but we have been... and it's really easy to. And really nice. Probably because I still love the shit out of him. He feels terrible, and feels the same way back.. so today was really depressing and the apartment felt so ghost and the drive is even more lonely. I'm really mad at myself for even considering keeping him as such an intricate (word?) part of my life.. but even worse, unable to let him go. I think I've found that within the past year, or less, I've become incredibly forgiving. Problem is, I've never needed to use it until now. And I'm not sure it has anything to do with the whole problem with being alone thing.. because I am well aware that if he doesn't come home for a weekend within the next month, I'm not going to see him for a year. Hopefully less. I am already aware that I have to survive that somehow. He is my favorite person in the whole world and no mistake in the past is going to change that. I'm not sure how I feel about feeling that way. But unfortunately, when I look at him, it all goes away. Everytime I think of him I start crying and I know for a fact it's not because I'm mad at him. I think it's half having things turn out the way they did and half not knowing how they're going to turn out. I've cried myself to sleep since Saturday and it's not getting any easier.
I know what the right thing to do here is. But if you've ever been in my shoes, and I know some of you have.. imagine that there's a possibility what you thought was going on was in fact twisted.. and not as bad as you thought it was.. And it's so much easier to sit there and tell someone to walk away and that they're better off and the person doesn't deserve you and things will never be the same.. but whenever you're on the receiving end of all the advice, as Rahul pointed out.. it's really hard to listen to it.. more important, believe it. I know I'm going to always wonder what's going on if anything else is at all.. but it just feels like losing him all together, whether we're together or not, isn't the right way to go. It's definitely not the easy way out. I don't know. I'm losing my fucken mind thinking about everything. And it's impossible to think of anything else.. soo..
Well.. it's been a LONG day driving, a sad day of goodbyes and a great night of movies and booze. I'm at 400 miles so hopefully tomorrow I only have 500 to go.. which is probably going to take 8-10 hours with the damn UHAUL on the back of my car.. transmission sucks with it up hills but it's arright. I'm in a beautiful Ramada and I don't think they allow pets. I've opted to pay cash and will be out bright and early. Pray for no barking.
I don't know what I'm doing and for some reason.. it feels good.. whatever it is. It's been a really sad weekend and a really tough couple of days and when all was said and done (or yelled and over with).. it was almost as if things went from really bad to confusing and comforting. I didn't want to stay friends.. or talk at all, but we have been... and it's really easy to. And really nice. Probably because I still love the shit out of him. He feels terrible, and feels the same way back.. so today was really depressing and the apartment felt so ghost and the drive is even more lonely. I'm really mad at myself for even considering keeping him as such an intricate (word?) part of my life.. but even worse, unable to let him go. I think I've found that within the past year, or less, I've become incredibly forgiving. Problem is, I've never needed to use it until now. And I'm not sure it has anything to do with the whole problem with being alone thing.. because I am well aware that if he doesn't come home for a weekend within the next month, I'm not going to see him for a year. Hopefully less. I am already aware that I have to survive that somehow. He is my favorite person in the whole world and no mistake in the past is going to change that. I'm not sure how I feel about feeling that way. But unfortunately, when I look at him, it all goes away. Everytime I think of him I start crying and I know for a fact it's not because I'm mad at him. I think it's half having things turn out the way they did and half not knowing how they're going to turn out. I've cried myself to sleep since Saturday and it's not getting any easier.
I know what the right thing to do here is. But if you've ever been in my shoes, and I know some of you have.. imagine that there's a possibility what you thought was going on was in fact twisted.. and not as bad as you thought it was.. And it's so much easier to sit there and tell someone to walk away and that they're better off and the person doesn't deserve you and things will never be the same.. but whenever you're on the receiving end of all the advice, as Rahul pointed out.. it's really hard to listen to it.. more important, believe it. I know I'm going to always wonder what's going on if anything else is at all.. but it just feels like losing him all together, whether we're together or not, isn't the right way to go. It's definitely not the easy way out. I don't know. I'm losing my fucken mind thinking about everything. And it's impossible to think of anything else.. soo..