Three Years Later
I swore when I started this journal again, I would make my entries more meaningful. I had every intention to sit down at the computer with an idea, complete and profound, in mind.
Who am I kidding, though? That's just not my style. I ramble, and while I have a hard time reading my own nonsense (years down the road), I find comfort in knowing that at least Jane has enjoyed it. :)
What a strange day to start. I am sick. Very much so, actually. In fact, I am sure I have the flu, and for the better part of my day, I have been curled up on the couch with a box of tissue and the remote in hand. I wish I could tell something more interesting.
I would much rather be at work today. That makes me smile. I think back to the last time I wrote in my journal, and I'm reminded of how suffocated, how hollow I was in my former career. I was taking care of Wyatt at the time, and I am sure it was the only thing that got me out of bed each day. I wanted to help. I did not know it at the time, but what I was going through would lay the foundation for whom I was always meant to become.
I have been back to Oklahoma a few times since Wyatt went home. I miss him every day, and while I do know it is best to give Brandon, Jessica and the kids their space, I have toyed with the idea of returning on a more permanent basis. I will never do it, of course. I just miss his hugs.
I have been in and out of love since then. Some days I wonder if I am not still 'in,' but as I grow and learn, I am understanding how futile it is to try and control such things. I still find it difficult to find logic in emotion, and I struggle relating to those who can. I want mystery, romance and butterflies. I realize this may be nonsensical, but most often often, I wouldn't have it any other way. Still, some days I wonder if things could be better otherwise.
---- is still my winding wheel. I sense an uncomfortable barrier between us, though, and I feel the both of us may be too exhausted to overcome it this time. We're becoming old friends instead of best friends. He has risen above it one too many times, and I have complained too much, as usual. It will be more than I could hope for if he still calls on my birthday five years from now. ;)
I am ready to go back to school now. It has been a long time coming, but it makes sense to me now, if that makes sense. haha! I am so much more prepared for it, and while I may have set myself back a few years, I wouldn't change a thing. I needed to take time to create a new world for myself, a world in which I was destined to be successful. I needed, first and foremost, to understand what 'success' means to me. I'm ready, and if I can start in the spring, it will not be soon enough.
Three years ago, I fell asleep behind the wheel of a car that was traveling 80 miles per hour. My mom called about it earlier, because even now, it's wreaking havoc on my insurance and hers. Anyway, at the time, I wrote about the near death experience and then left my journal to collect web-dust. I wish I had cataloged all of the many significant experiences I have had since. Still, there is something pretty sweet in knowing that, if I were to go through the same thing today, I would be much more proud of the life which would flash before my eyes.
Three years! It is amazing how a life can change in three years.
I hope to return more quickly this time.
Who am I kidding, though? That's just not my style. I ramble, and while I have a hard time reading my own nonsense (years down the road), I find comfort in knowing that at least Jane has enjoyed it. :)
What a strange day to start. I am sick. Very much so, actually. In fact, I am sure I have the flu, and for the better part of my day, I have been curled up on the couch with a box of tissue and the remote in hand. I wish I could tell something more interesting.
I would much rather be at work today. That makes me smile. I think back to the last time I wrote in my journal, and I'm reminded of how suffocated, how hollow I was in my former career. I was taking care of Wyatt at the time, and I am sure it was the only thing that got me out of bed each day. I wanted to help. I did not know it at the time, but what I was going through would lay the foundation for whom I was always meant to become.
I have been back to Oklahoma a few times since Wyatt went home. I miss him every day, and while I do know it is best to give Brandon, Jessica and the kids their space, I have toyed with the idea of returning on a more permanent basis. I will never do it, of course. I just miss his hugs.
I have been in and out of love since then. Some days I wonder if I am not still 'in,' but as I grow and learn, I am understanding how futile it is to try and control such things. I still find it difficult to find logic in emotion, and I struggle relating to those who can. I want mystery, romance and butterflies. I realize this may be nonsensical, but most often often, I wouldn't have it any other way. Still, some days I wonder if things could be better otherwise.
---- is still my winding wheel. I sense an uncomfortable barrier between us, though, and I feel the both of us may be too exhausted to overcome it this time. We're becoming old friends instead of best friends. He has risen above it one too many times, and I have complained too much, as usual. It will be more than I could hope for if he still calls on my birthday five years from now. ;)
I am ready to go back to school now. It has been a long time coming, but it makes sense to me now, if that makes sense. haha! I am so much more prepared for it, and while I may have set myself back a few years, I wouldn't change a thing. I needed to take time to create a new world for myself, a world in which I was destined to be successful. I needed, first and foremost, to understand what 'success' means to me. I'm ready, and if I can start in the spring, it will not be soon enough.
Three years ago, I fell asleep behind the wheel of a car that was traveling 80 miles per hour. My mom called about it earlier, because even now, it's wreaking havoc on my insurance and hers. Anyway, at the time, I wrote about the near death experience and then left my journal to collect web-dust. I wish I had cataloged all of the many significant experiences I have had since. Still, there is something pretty sweet in knowing that, if I were to go through the same thing today, I would be much more proud of the life which would flash before my eyes.
Three years! It is amazing how a life can change in three years.
I hope to return more quickly this time.