Fic what doesn't exist (yet)? (St. Trinian's edition)
So why are men being murderous (ala The Losers) more fun than girls being larcenous (ala St. Trinians)? I was talking with 
petra and here are some St. Trinians fics that I want to read:
And then there's this fic, what I'm not writing anymore than I did with Petra in chat: The Big Book of Booze
The teetotal English teacher, Miss Dickinson, learns that there are times when nothing else will do but drink. She and Matron and Anoushka -- eternally looking for a way to generate some cash -- get together to write a book on cocktails. They call it "Better Drinks for Maintaining Alcoholics"
petra: One has to make sure one gets proper nutrients.
me: "Just because you need your hourly dose of alcohol, doesn't mean that you should let shame get in the way of nutrition and style."
me: The publishers can't tell whether it's a parody or seriously shameless.
petra: And you mustn't lie to yourself--one orange twist is not sufficient Vitamin C.
me: "Don't bother with high end vodka. Grain alcohol will do the job, and you can spend the money on good organic kiwis that give the Gerald it's signature look."
petra: "Besides, if you're adding anything to your vodka, it's not worth the money."
me: "Remember that 'maintainance' means not going overboard. Only one blender-full per morning."
petra: The sub-section on how to test for the presence of methyl alcohol in three easy steps raises eyebrows.
me: With little tips at the bottom of the pages, like "practice for roadside sobriety tests. Proper preparation prevents poor performance."
me: And they get one of the geeks to test the recipes for values of calories and nutrients. Plus additions, for the American Market.
petra: "Maintenance Tip! Always plan your days beginning with the morning. Dawn is no time to be without your boon companion."
me: Mint juleps are better for your breath than many sweet drinks. But remember to eat the garnish!
petra: There is a vast chart on the relative merits of various sparkling wines, footnoted with "Sod champagne unless someone else buys it for you."
petra: I wonder if Miss Dickinson does any work to decode Jeeves' Hangover Cure.
me: Oh! And it includes quotes on the joys of drinking and being drunk.
petra: Surely. The first draft included some litcrit of them.
me: And then it's time to promote it, and Matron gets most of the glory. She's fantastic on a talk shows, and the hosts treat it like a parody, but they can't get her to break out of the role. Which is because it isn't a role.
petra: ... it's not as though Miss Fritton would fire them.
me: Matron on talk-shows, Anoushka ends up as a spokesmodel for Absolut -- despite the book's stance on expensive vodka.
me: The deal is: they don't acknowledge the book's existence, she doesn't say a word during the ads, everybody gets paid.
me: And Miss Dickinson gets a publication credit (and cash, of course) to add to her CV.
me: "Tip: while distilling one's own is undoubtedly the cheapest way to obtain one's high-proof elixir, both the quality control and legal costs can be prohibitive. We suggest you find a trustworthy supplier in your vicinity. For obvious reasons, we regret that cannot supply references in print."
And then there are shenanigans! The book is a best-seller, and attracts the attention of Inland Revenue, which leads to the sort of diversionary techniques at which St. Trinians girls excel.
But what with one thing and another, the still blows up and burns down the outbuilding with the bottling operation and the chop shop. They successfully bribed the firefighters to not mention what was in the building in their reports, but it is a great loss of income for the cash-strapped girls.
It turns out to be a blessing in disguise when the tax man shows up, and doesn't find anything. Miss Dickinson invites them to stay for dinner, and then Matron says that since they've come all this way, would they like cocktails? And they get served The Gerald (the drink that started it all), which knocks them for enough of a loop that they don't notice that the bottle from which the gin was poured had it's label hastily pasted on. And by the next afternoon, when the hungover tax man comes back, the bottle is completely empty and in the trash. They'd drunk all the evidence.
Later, the authors donate money to rebuild the outbuilding, complete with updated fire-suppression gear and a glass-blowing shop (because it's expensive, getting all your lab glassware from Schott!). It's the building that booze built.
Crossposted here (
comments).
petra and here are some St. Trinians fics that I want to read:
- How Miss Cleaver ended up at St. Trinians. Was it after her MI-6 career went down the tubes? Or after she decided that being a mercenary was very satisfying, but the big employers (Halliburton, Blackwater) had taken the sleazy to a level that both disgusted her and took all the fun out of it.
- The first time St. Trinians stages the Vagina Monologues. They invite the nearby boy's school. And serve those liquid-centered heart candies from Trader Joes that look like bleeding vulvas (see http://thefourthvine.dreamwidth.org/164777.html ).
- The BDSM 101 class taught by the Posh Totty.
- Irene Adler was a St. Trinian's girl. Discuss.
- ETA two more: the one in the future where they're a special forces unit. Kelly is the CO, and Annabelle is XO, Polly does tech (of course she does!) and the Twins Blow Shit Up (of course they do!) whenever possible, and generally delight in mayhem.
- The one where they are the government-sponsored White Hats. Basically, security consultants. Same team, but they come in, find a way to walk straight through your security, leave incontrovertible proof, and then report on same to the people in charge of security. There are rumors that the government occasionally sends them to other countries, but outside of the team, they don't talk about what they do. Polly's family thinks she's a bond trader who is deeply into rock climbing (which explains the occasional nicks and scrapes). The Twins' family is just glad that they aren't running organized crime in England, and don't ask questions. Miss Fritton knows exactly what they do -- who do you think put the team together?
And then there's this fic, what I'm not writing anymore than I did with Petra in chat: The Big Book of Booze
The teetotal English teacher, Miss Dickinson, learns that there are times when nothing else will do but drink. She and Matron and Anoushka -- eternally looking for a way to generate some cash -- get together to write a book on cocktails. They call it "Better Drinks for Maintaining Alcoholics"
petra: One has to make sure one gets proper nutrients.
me: "Just because you need your hourly dose of alcohol, doesn't mean that you should let shame get in the way of nutrition and style."
me: The publishers can't tell whether it's a parody or seriously shameless.
petra: And you mustn't lie to yourself--one orange twist is not sufficient Vitamin C.
me: "Don't bother with high end vodka. Grain alcohol will do the job, and you can spend the money on good organic kiwis that give the Gerald it's signature look."
petra: "Besides, if you're adding anything to your vodka, it's not worth the money."
me: "Remember that 'maintainance' means not going overboard. Only one blender-full per morning."
petra: The sub-section on how to test for the presence of methyl alcohol in three easy steps raises eyebrows.
me: With little tips at the bottom of the pages, like "practice for roadside sobriety tests. Proper preparation prevents poor performance."
me: And they get one of the geeks to test the recipes for values of calories and nutrients. Plus additions, for the American Market.
petra: "Maintenance Tip! Always plan your days beginning with the morning. Dawn is no time to be without your boon companion."
me: Mint juleps are better for your breath than many sweet drinks. But remember to eat the garnish!
petra: There is a vast chart on the relative merits of various sparkling wines, footnoted with "Sod champagne unless someone else buys it for you."
petra: I wonder if Miss Dickinson does any work to decode Jeeves' Hangover Cure.
me: Oh! And it includes quotes on the joys of drinking and being drunk.
petra: Surely. The first draft included some litcrit of them.
me: And then it's time to promote it, and Matron gets most of the glory. She's fantastic on a talk shows, and the hosts treat it like a parody, but they can't get her to break out of the role. Which is because it isn't a role.
petra: ... it's not as though Miss Fritton would fire them.
me: Matron on talk-shows, Anoushka ends up as a spokesmodel for Absolut -- despite the book's stance on expensive vodka.
me: The deal is: they don't acknowledge the book's existence, she doesn't say a word during the ads, everybody gets paid.
me: And Miss Dickinson gets a publication credit (and cash, of course) to add to her CV.
me: "Tip: while distilling one's own is undoubtedly the cheapest way to obtain one's high-proof elixir, both the quality control and legal costs can be prohibitive. We suggest you find a trustworthy supplier in your vicinity. For obvious reasons, we regret that cannot supply references in print."
And then there are shenanigans! The book is a best-seller, and attracts the attention of Inland Revenue, which leads to the sort of diversionary techniques at which St. Trinians girls excel.
But what with one thing and another, the still blows up and burns down the outbuilding with the bottling operation and the chop shop. They successfully bribed the firefighters to not mention what was in the building in their reports, but it is a great loss of income for the cash-strapped girls.
It turns out to be a blessing in disguise when the tax man shows up, and doesn't find anything. Miss Dickinson invites them to stay for dinner, and then Matron says that since they've come all this way, would they like cocktails? And they get served The Gerald (the drink that started it all), which knocks them for enough of a loop that they don't notice that the bottle from which the gin was poured had it's label hastily pasted on. And by the next afternoon, when the hungover tax man comes back, the bottle is completely empty and in the trash. They'd drunk all the evidence.
Later, the authors donate money to rebuild the outbuilding, complete with updated fire-suppression gear and a glass-blowing shop (because it's expensive, getting all your lab glassware from Schott!). It's the building that booze built.
Crossposted here (
comments).