On Our Way Out of L.A
so.
< lj-cut> well ok... um well. this is ver uncomfortable for me. wrting. its just upseting and worring and it makes me feel sick and guilty and like an evil person. who's very very stupid.
and i want to say whats wrong but i feel like such a bad person for doing it so i'm kind of trying not to cry while i do this so sory if there alot more mistakes then is the norm.
i had my therapy session today. mom wanted to talk abou and i qoute "this whole livejournal.com thing" (she said dot com. i love when people say that it sounds so dated whch makes me go whoa just a few years a go it was dot com this dot com that... how times flys) anyway she is convinced i am ruining myself and her with this journal. aprently it could "get child pertective services on her and she could go to jail for neglagince or be forced into the crazy bin" which is might i add compleatly untrue. she dose not like that i write about my lfe or more importantly her. she thinks someone will hack into my acount find out who i really am and then find out who she is and the consiquences will be as mentioned above. also she is sure that by writitng this stuff it's gonna come back to bite me in the ass. like this will be my downfall and so when i asked her what she ment shes like "would you want your boss to read this?" and i said yes. i'm not like praying every day that my futurer employer wil read it . not like i'm bmaking banners to hang in their office saying read my livejournl please!! but shoul this ever come up on a background check i would be ok with that. i should be ok with that right? because she said well if i was your boss peaking from someone who was a high proffesianl in the parhmasucitcl indistry blah blah blah ( i kind of glazed over.. it was long) if i saw this i would see the tags like euthinazia and mom and feeling small nd all this stuff and thik wow thats someone we need to look out for this person is to emotianl and cant handel work because her emotions will spill into it shes unstable. not sure thats the 100% exact wording but i think i'm close. and she went on about how i need to learn about internet protection and how shes read about stuff like this about teens putting to much information out there. and when questioned she awnsered all she had hered about was sexting.
so now as the deeply parinoid person i can become i'm scared. will this destroy me? is it on par to sexting? ( i really dont think it is but like i said theres a parinoied side of me. i call him ned. i lives in his moms basment and wears a tinfoil hat) truth be told it scares mebecause i dont think i can stop. it helps me in so may ways. and thats upseting. what if i'm like a drug addict doing somthing i now know is distructive just because it takes away the pain and brings in the joy?
also mom said my journal sends out the message that i am a suicidle victem who wants someone to come reuce her. IF ANYONE THNKS THIS I AM NOT. really and truly . i'm fine. in fact better then fine . if better then fine means you've come to terms that life will never be "fine" and its a stuggle and thats sort of what makes it fun because somedays we do slay the gient snake whos trying to eat you at graduation, and well thats pretty damm cool in my book kind of fine.
i dont need to be saved. i do not think of myself as a victem and while yes in the far away past i was suicidle i never not once acted on any desieres. the worst i have ever done was become agoraphobic and refuse to leave my room. which granted is pretty bad but i have never inflected harm on myself. i think that its disgusting and it scares the shit out of me to even think of hurting myself. plus theres the whole i'm a big baby when it comes to pain stuff. so .. well i dont want people to think of me like that. and if you do please tell me so can fix it. because i dont think of myself that way. when i was younger and had a harder time talking about my problems i felt very alone and isolated. things were pretty bad with my mentl health and my mom. then as a young kid (around 10-13) i did wish someone could save me. mostly from my waring compleatly ilogical emotions and thoughts but also truth be told from my situation. but as children dont we all wish to be wishked away to a better place? and i dont know about anyone else but for people with absentte parents didnt you sometimes wish the missing parent would come and sweep you away?
but i'm not like that any more. i'm strong. well ok so not really strong in the terms of i can lift.. somthing heavyer then a box of books strong but emotianly i am. well i'm stronger there is always room for improvement. i dont want to be escued i can do that on my own thank you very much. i think thats why i gravita to charecters and women in history who saved themselves who are strong. real people like Cathron the Great, Ava Gardner, Dee Dee Mayor . and fictionlized hcaricters as well Buff ( of course) Xena, and god i cant spell her name.. shes the princess from the enchanted ofrest serise Cimone? the first book all about her and i wanna say its Searchning for Dragons but i'm pretty sure thats book four and i think book twos Calling on Dragons ... hold on the great amazon might help me! gah! the great internets is being being ... so i'll update you o it later. but she was always my ideal princess after xena. i mean insted of marrying a boing prince she took it upon her self to get a new life. she went met a drangon became her princess and did pratical ( ok in the world of fition and my mind) things like making a fireproofing spell and making chaerrys jubille. also when princes stared come to "resuce" her she delt with it very well she aranged for the princesses who WANTED to be resuced and were for the most part idiots to be taken insted. plue in the books theres this which named morwin who hase a creap pan ( my kind of lday right off the bat!) anyway shes also very pratcial. she has a sign on her house that says none of this nonsenece please. also she gets in trouble becuase she has plain plants in her garden. and as an avid lover of interor design i raved about the fact she had a door that would go to whatever room you wanted it to. how very clever non? also my favortie part about her is she can go questing with her cats a rabbit that turned into a flying donkey a sort of crazed magican a pregent queen (cimone) and a dragon and still be orderly. i'm not orderly but i admier it in others
speaking of adimring somthing bad happend last night. so there i was in my chair all happy with my computer because i fianly rememeber to watch house and it was acting nice and everything then lowq and behold the person whos sick is a phycopath. ("as in ted bundy?" one of my new favortie house qoutes) anyway a TRUE phycopath can understand emotions bu cannot feel them. this woman could lie and minpulate and be a total cut throat bitch and not feel a thing about it. she was all about logic and getting what she wanted and i was like IN LOVE WITH HER. thats bad right? wanting to be like a crazed turns out shes not really a phycopath but ust suffering from wilsons (wilson!) .. right? it is deffently of the no good. but am i the only person who thinks wow. shes just so strong. and what freedom she must have. to not care about anything. i talked with my therapist about this and she said people who have my issues (also i may not just be aspie i may also have this issue where i never bonded as a child with my mother. the symptomes are majorly simmiler) well anyway people like me feel so much and we wish we felt nothing. so yah ... is it freakiy that i would love to get into a long convorsation about phycopaths and the benifits? sorry its just bugging me.
well yah thats it. i would LOVE some commens on this i'm very intrested to hear what others say.
< lj-cut> well ok... um well. this is ver uncomfortable for me. wrting. its just upseting and worring and it makes me feel sick and guilty and like an evil person. who's very very stupid.
and i want to say whats wrong but i feel like such a bad person for doing it so i'm kind of trying not to cry while i do this so sory if there alot more mistakes then is the norm.
i had my therapy session today. mom wanted to talk abou and i qoute "this whole livejournal.com thing" (she said dot com. i love when people say that it sounds so dated whch makes me go whoa just a few years a go it was dot com this dot com that... how times flys) anyway she is convinced i am ruining myself and her with this journal. aprently it could "get child pertective services on her and she could go to jail for neglagince or be forced into the crazy bin" which is might i add compleatly untrue. she dose not like that i write about my lfe or more importantly her. she thinks someone will hack into my acount find out who i really am and then find out who she is and the consiquences will be as mentioned above. also she is sure that by writitng this stuff it's gonna come back to bite me in the ass. like this will be my downfall and so when i asked her what she ment shes like "would you want your boss to read this?" and i said yes. i'm not like praying every day that my futurer employer wil read it . not like i'm bmaking banners to hang in their office saying read my livejournl please!! but shoul this ever come up on a background check i would be ok with that. i should be ok with that right? because she said well if i was your boss peaking from someone who was a high proffesianl in the parhmasucitcl indistry blah blah blah ( i kind of glazed over.. it was long) if i saw this i would see the tags like euthinazia and mom and feeling small nd all this stuff and thik wow thats someone we need to look out for this person is to emotianl and cant handel work because her emotions will spill into it shes unstable. not sure thats the 100% exact wording but i think i'm close. and she went on about how i need to learn about internet protection and how shes read about stuff like this about teens putting to much information out there. and when questioned she awnsered all she had hered about was sexting.
so now as the deeply parinoid person i can become i'm scared. will this destroy me? is it on par to sexting? ( i really dont think it is but like i said theres a parinoied side of me. i call him ned. i lives in his moms basment and wears a tinfoil hat) truth be told it scares mebecause i dont think i can stop. it helps me in so may ways. and thats upseting. what if i'm like a drug addict doing somthing i now know is distructive just because it takes away the pain and brings in the joy?
also mom said my journal sends out the message that i am a suicidle victem who wants someone to come reuce her. IF ANYONE THNKS THIS I AM NOT. really and truly . i'm fine. in fact better then fine . if better then fine means you've come to terms that life will never be "fine" and its a stuggle and thats sort of what makes it fun because somedays we do slay the gient snake whos trying to eat you at graduation, and well thats pretty damm cool in my book kind of fine.
i dont need to be saved. i do not think of myself as a victem and while yes in the far away past i was suicidle i never not once acted on any desieres. the worst i have ever done was become agoraphobic and refuse to leave my room. which granted is pretty bad but i have never inflected harm on myself. i think that its disgusting and it scares the shit out of me to even think of hurting myself. plus theres the whole i'm a big baby when it comes to pain stuff. so .. well i dont want people to think of me like that. and if you do please tell me so can fix it. because i dont think of myself that way. when i was younger and had a harder time talking about my problems i felt very alone and isolated. things were pretty bad with my mentl health and my mom. then as a young kid (around 10-13) i did wish someone could save me. mostly from my waring compleatly ilogical emotions and thoughts but also truth be told from my situation. but as children dont we all wish to be wishked away to a better place? and i dont know about anyone else but for people with absentte parents didnt you sometimes wish the missing parent would come and sweep you away?
but i'm not like that any more. i'm strong. well ok so not really strong in the terms of i can lift.. somthing heavyer then a box of books strong but emotianly i am. well i'm stronger there is always room for improvement. i dont want to be escued i can do that on my own thank you very much. i think thats why i gravita to charecters and women in history who saved themselves who are strong. real people like Cathron the Great, Ava Gardner, Dee Dee Mayor . and fictionlized hcaricters as well Buff ( of course) Xena, and god i cant spell her name.. shes the princess from the enchanted ofrest serise Cimone? the first book all about her and i wanna say its Searchning for Dragons but i'm pretty sure thats book four and i think book twos Calling on Dragons ... hold on the great amazon might help me! gah! the great internets is being being ... so i'll update you o it later. but she was always my ideal princess after xena. i mean insted of marrying a boing prince she took it upon her self to get a new life. she went met a drangon became her princess and did pratical ( ok in the world of fition and my mind) things like making a fireproofing spell and making chaerrys jubille. also when princes stared come to "resuce" her she delt with it very well she aranged for the princesses who WANTED to be resuced and were for the most part idiots to be taken insted. plue in the books theres this which named morwin who hase a creap pan ( my kind of lday right off the bat!) anyway shes also very pratcial. she has a sign on her house that says none of this nonsenece please. also she gets in trouble becuase she has plain plants in her garden. and as an avid lover of interor design i raved about the fact she had a door that would go to whatever room you wanted it to. how very clever non? also my favortie part about her is she can go questing with her cats a rabbit that turned into a flying donkey a sort of crazed magican a pregent queen (cimone) and a dragon and still be orderly. i'm not orderly but i admier it in others
speaking of adimring somthing bad happend last night. so there i was in my chair all happy with my computer because i fianly rememeber to watch house and it was acting nice and everything then lowq and behold the person whos sick is a phycopath. ("as in ted bundy?" one of my new favortie house qoutes) anyway a TRUE phycopath can understand emotions bu cannot feel them. this woman could lie and minpulate and be a total cut throat bitch and not feel a thing about it. she was all about logic and getting what she wanted and i was like IN LOVE WITH HER. thats bad right? wanting to be like a crazed turns out shes not really a phycopath but ust suffering from wilsons (wilson!) .. right? it is deffently of the no good. but am i the only person who thinks wow. shes just so strong. and what freedom she must have. to not care about anything. i talked with my therapist about this and she said people who have my issues (also i may not just be aspie i may also have this issue where i never bonded as a child with my mother. the symptomes are majorly simmiler) well anyway people like me feel so much and we wish we felt nothing. so yah ... is it freakiy that i would love to get into a long convorsation about phycopaths and the benifits? sorry its just bugging me.
well yah thats it. i would LOVE some commens on this i'm very intrested to hear what others say.