Jigsaw
Summary: A 6x05 reaction fic. Kurt processes his thoughts in the aftermath of kissing Blaine in the elevator. It was always going to mean something but can they put the pieces back together once more?
***
Kurt lies in bed, holding his charging phone to his chest, in hopes that Blaine will contact him tonight. In his heart of hearts, he doesn’t think he will but he wants to be ready just in case.
His thumb strokes across the phone’s case as he considers sending a message first because there’s no denying it, regardless of the circumstances that forced them together last night, he misses Blaine. He misses what they were to each other. He misses his touch and the squeaky hiccup of his laughter when he’s emotional. He misses the way Blaine used to hold him as they fell asleep, and he misses the way it felt waking up with Blaine nestled against his chest.
So before he knows it, he’s tapping out a message and hitting send. It’s little more than a confession and Kurt touches his lips gently, his body still humming with want. He searches his ceiling for a distraction but there’s nothing other than the memory of Blaine breaking of their kiss and looking at him like he was everything he’d ever wanted and god, there is nothing more that Kurt wants than to get that back. Against his breastbone, his phone vibrates and Kurt startles out of the wistful fog he was in.
I can’t do this.
All the breath rushes out of Kurt like he’s been dropped from on high.
Can’t do what?
Cheat, Kurt. I can’t, won’t do that again.
Kurt’s fingers move and type out exactly what he’s thinking - I’m not asking you to - but just as quickly, he deletes it because it’s a lie. Disappointment sinks into his bones at the realization. That’s exactly what he’s asking Blaine to do. To tell him that he can’t stop thinking about that kiss too, to admit that he wants him still, that he loves him, that he wants more with Kurt.
His eyes sting with tears as his stomach curdles with bitterness. Why was it okay to cheat on him but not on Karofsky? His lip curls at the thought of David and the way he always puts his hands on Blaine when he’s around. He flushes hot, his nostrils flaring, at the memory of Blaine saying his name over and over in the elevator - Dave, Dave, Dave. Stupid David Karofsky and his stupid dopey smile that sends Blaine into bashful mess. His stupid big hands holding Blaine the way that Kurt wants to. His stupid grinning face saying that he wants them all to be friends. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Stupid me for pushing Blaine right into his arms.
Hot flashes of shame wash through him at the thought of sitting there, practically glacial, in that restaurant so many months ago as Blaine had dissolved into tears. He was so stupid, pushing Blaine away like that. There was so much he could have done before that night to help put them back to rights. Kurt’s own tears fall, curving over his cheeks and racing towards his earlobes, and he curses himself for being such a coward. Why was he so scared of loving Blaine so much? Why couldn’t he just let himself be happy? Instead, he’d held himself back and forced his worst fear come to fruition. Now he was alone, yet, still in love with a man that he’d hurt deeply. He takes another shuddering breath and readies himself to reply but before he can send an apology, his phone buzzes again.
I’m sorry.
Kurt hiccups through a sob as he fumbles over the screen’s keyboard.
You have nothing to apologize for. I’m the one who should be sorry, and I am, Blaine. I am so sorry. For everything.
He heaves in breath after breath waiting for …something - anything. The phone’s screen goes dark and Kurt’s vision blurs through more gathering tears. He refuses to blink, letting them pool and threaten to overflow as he soundlessly begs the universe for forgiveness. When the screen lights back up, his tears finally spill with relief.
I know. Me too.
Let’s talk later, okay?
Okay.
Kurt sniffles and swipes at his eyes. There’s so much more to say but he’s content that he’ll finally be able to say it out loud to the one person who needs to hear it. His mouth twitches into a smile for a moment. Even if he and Blaine are never more than friends from here on out, Kurt knows that, in time, he’ll be okay. One day his heart will heal and the space saved for Blaine won’t feel like a scar anymore.
His thoughts shift to Walter. If he’s honest, he could imagine being with him. However, this is the first time in twenty-for hours that he’s even thought of him. Though he may be sweet, funny and in good shape for a man of his age, Kurt knows he’s not ready for more. He lifts the phone one more time and taps out a new message.
Hi Walter, sorry for texting so late but could we meet for coffee tomorrow? We need to talk.
Fin
***
Kurt lies in bed, holding his charging phone to his chest, in hopes that Blaine will contact him tonight. In his heart of hearts, he doesn’t think he will but he wants to be ready just in case.
His thumb strokes across the phone’s case as he considers sending a message first because there’s no denying it, regardless of the circumstances that forced them together last night, he misses Blaine. He misses what they were to each other. He misses his touch and the squeaky hiccup of his laughter when he’s emotional. He misses the way Blaine used to hold him as they fell asleep, and he misses the way it felt waking up with Blaine nestled against his chest.
So before he knows it, he’s tapping out a message and hitting send. It’s little more than a confession and Kurt touches his lips gently, his body still humming with want. He searches his ceiling for a distraction but there’s nothing other than the memory of Blaine breaking of their kiss and looking at him like he was everything he’d ever wanted and god, there is nothing more that Kurt wants than to get that back. Against his breastbone, his phone vibrates and Kurt startles out of the wistful fog he was in.
I can’t do this.
All the breath rushes out of Kurt like he’s been dropped from on high.
Can’t do what?
Cheat, Kurt. I can’t, won’t do that again.
Kurt’s fingers move and type out exactly what he’s thinking - I’m not asking you to - but just as quickly, he deletes it because it’s a lie. Disappointment sinks into his bones at the realization. That’s exactly what he’s asking Blaine to do. To tell him that he can’t stop thinking about that kiss too, to admit that he wants him still, that he loves him, that he wants more with Kurt.
His eyes sting with tears as his stomach curdles with bitterness. Why was it okay to cheat on him but not on Karofsky? His lip curls at the thought of David and the way he always puts his hands on Blaine when he’s around. He flushes hot, his nostrils flaring, at the memory of Blaine saying his name over and over in the elevator - Dave, Dave, Dave. Stupid David Karofsky and his stupid dopey smile that sends Blaine into bashful mess. His stupid big hands holding Blaine the way that Kurt wants to. His stupid grinning face saying that he wants them all to be friends. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Stupid me for pushing Blaine right into his arms.
Hot flashes of shame wash through him at the thought of sitting there, practically glacial, in that restaurant so many months ago as Blaine had dissolved into tears. He was so stupid, pushing Blaine away like that. There was so much he could have done before that night to help put them back to rights. Kurt’s own tears fall, curving over his cheeks and racing towards his earlobes, and he curses himself for being such a coward. Why was he so scared of loving Blaine so much? Why couldn’t he just let himself be happy? Instead, he’d held himself back and forced his worst fear come to fruition. Now he was alone, yet, still in love with a man that he’d hurt deeply. He takes another shuddering breath and readies himself to reply but before he can send an apology, his phone buzzes again.
I’m sorry.
Kurt hiccups through a sob as he fumbles over the screen’s keyboard.
You have nothing to apologize for. I’m the one who should be sorry, and I am, Blaine. I am so sorry. For everything.
He heaves in breath after breath waiting for …something - anything. The phone’s screen goes dark and Kurt’s vision blurs through more gathering tears. He refuses to blink, letting them pool and threaten to overflow as he soundlessly begs the universe for forgiveness. When the screen lights back up, his tears finally spill with relief.
I know. Me too.
Let’s talk later, okay?
Okay.
Kurt sniffles and swipes at his eyes. There’s so much more to say but he’s content that he’ll finally be able to say it out loud to the one person who needs to hear it. His mouth twitches into a smile for a moment. Even if he and Blaine are never more than friends from here on out, Kurt knows that, in time, he’ll be okay. One day his heart will heal and the space saved for Blaine won’t feel like a scar anymore.
His thoughts shift to Walter. If he’s honest, he could imagine being with him. However, this is the first time in twenty-for hours that he’s even thought of him. Though he may be sweet, funny and in good shape for a man of his age, Kurt knows he’s not ready for more. He lifts the phone one more time and taps out a new message.
Hi Walter, sorry for texting so late but could we meet for coffee tomorrow? We need to talk.
Fin