Relationship advice from Chip
Agreement :: Every day each partner will give an acknowledgement to their partner ... a praise, an appreciation, a gratitude, a thank you ...
When I'm constantly looking for something to praise my partner about, I begin to see a lot of things to appreciate in my partner even if there are things that don't work so well. In an environment where you feel really appreciated, it's actually easier to also feel invited.
What we look for is what we find.
So if I'm looking for evidence of how wonderful my partner is, I'm gonna find a lot of evidence of how wonderful my partner is.
If I'm looking for evidence that my partner really doesn't love me, I'm pretty guaranteed to find evidence that my partner doesn't really love me.
So the first thing to do is to decide, make a choice to look for what's right, what's working, what's good, and build the relationship off of what's working, what's right, what's good rather than that fantasy that we have to look for what's wrong and fix it. My experience is that if we look for what's wrong, we find it. And it isn't a very pleasant relationship to be in where our partner is constantly telling us this doesn't work, that doesn't work, things need to be changed ...
Chip talked about the feeling that we have the right to criticize someone that we're in a relationship with. He said, "I don't think I have the right to tell her she did something wrong or that she needs to grow or that she has to be any different than she is.
My experience is that criticism is really corrosive.
Making a request is offering feedback to help your partner to enhance the relationship vs criticism."
A request means that you're willing to hear "no." I'm asking and the answer can be a yes or a no. If you're asking something and the only answer you're willing to hear is "yes" then that's a demand. That's not a request.
Is this a demand or is it a request?
There may be times when you say, "I really need and want this and I can't really negotiate on this." My experience is that we have as yet never bumped into one of those that was just completely not negotiable and we couldn't find our way around it. We never came across a situation where we couldn't find an acceptable workaround so that I was getting what I needed and she was giving what she's comfortable giving.
So, if it is a request:
First, ask yourself, why am I making this request? What am I really wanting? What's underneath it? What's sourcing it? Almost always, the thing I'm asking for I think is gonna have me feel more loved.
So I'm really clear, if you talked to me in this way, or if you did this thing, or if you didn't do this ... what I'm really asking is, "Are you willing to hear this? My fantasy is, if this could be different, if you'd change this, I'd feel your love more."
That's a very different question than, "Hey! Do you mind if I suggest a better way for you to do this? You need to tell me this in THIS way cuz if you don't tell me in this way I don't hear it! Could you change this? You need to do it in THIS way!"
Those things don't really quite land the same was as, "You know, I was looking at how I take in your love and I had this thought that if this was different, I think I'd feel your love more."
Sometimes I just laugh because it's just "I'm noticing I wanted you to be different so I wouldn't be inconvenienced." ;)
When I'm constantly looking for something to praise my partner about, I begin to see a lot of things to appreciate in my partner even if there are things that don't work so well. In an environment where you feel really appreciated, it's actually easier to also feel invited.
What we look for is what we find.
So if I'm looking for evidence of how wonderful my partner is, I'm gonna find a lot of evidence of how wonderful my partner is.
If I'm looking for evidence that my partner really doesn't love me, I'm pretty guaranteed to find evidence that my partner doesn't really love me.
So the first thing to do is to decide, make a choice to look for what's right, what's working, what's good, and build the relationship off of what's working, what's right, what's good rather than that fantasy that we have to look for what's wrong and fix it. My experience is that if we look for what's wrong, we find it. And it isn't a very pleasant relationship to be in where our partner is constantly telling us this doesn't work, that doesn't work, things need to be changed ...
Chip talked about the feeling that we have the right to criticize someone that we're in a relationship with. He said, "I don't think I have the right to tell her she did something wrong or that she needs to grow or that she has to be any different than she is.
My experience is that criticism is really corrosive.
Making a request is offering feedback to help your partner to enhance the relationship vs criticism."
A request means that you're willing to hear "no." I'm asking and the answer can be a yes or a no. If you're asking something and the only answer you're willing to hear is "yes" then that's a demand. That's not a request.
Is this a demand or is it a request?
There may be times when you say, "I really need and want this and I can't really negotiate on this." My experience is that we have as yet never bumped into one of those that was just completely not negotiable and we couldn't find our way around it. We never came across a situation where we couldn't find an acceptable workaround so that I was getting what I needed and she was giving what she's comfortable giving.
So, if it is a request:
First, ask yourself, why am I making this request? What am I really wanting? What's underneath it? What's sourcing it? Almost always, the thing I'm asking for I think is gonna have me feel more loved.
So I'm really clear, if you talked to me in this way, or if you did this thing, or if you didn't do this ... what I'm really asking is, "Are you willing to hear this? My fantasy is, if this could be different, if you'd change this, I'd feel your love more."
That's a very different question than, "Hey! Do you mind if I suggest a better way for you to do this? You need to tell me this in THIS way cuz if you don't tell me in this way I don't hear it! Could you change this? You need to do it in THIS way!"
Those things don't really quite land the same was as, "You know, I was looking at how I take in your love and I had this thought that if this was different, I think I'd feel your love more."
Sometimes I just laugh because it's just "I'm noticing I wanted you to be different so I wouldn't be inconvenienced." ;)