HIM (again! ;)
Jonny said:
I've sometimes gotten so blackened of mood that I'm quite literally paralyzed to do anything about it. The key to me is to keep yourself occupied. The only thing that will heal this emotion (and it's really a fight or flight syndrome, in which you imagine yourself incapable of mustering enough for another round against this demon--did you ever see The Fisher King?) is the passage of time. Time is your ally, and it's suicide's worst enemy!
It's really true, for me, about cheering-up not helping. And the thing he said about "it's really a fight or flight syndrome, in which you imagine yourself incapable of mustering enough for another round against this demon" is completely, completely true for me, and so well said. My friend Hollister said to me today, "I think it's not so much that you don't want to live as that you want the pain to leave" and that's correct, if the pain were gone I'd have no problem living. I'd have no problem dying either ;) but it wouldn't matter either way, y'know? I want to remember that imagery, it's somehow in some way helpful to me, envisioning it that way, fight or flight, feeling incapable of mustering enough for another round. So so crystal clear in that image.
By the way, I took back the "two week" thing with "him" and told him I was leaving. A decision which came so hard to me, I don't even know if it was "right" thing to do, my therapist said she didn't think I needed to leave but more needed to take charge of things within myself and know that I was choosing to stay rather than someone choosing for me yes or no. That I wanted to be with him and so chose to do that and if the time came when I wanted to leave I would leave.
And it's not that I even wanted to leave, I just wanted better for myself. I know you don't necessarily know the whole entire story so let me say he's not a bad person or doing anything wrong, just not ready to commit, after having been through two bad marriages already, well, not bad but mistake-marriages I supppose.
And I want more for myself than that. Although he'd tell me that he felt he would be ready soon and that he could potentially see a future for us, that it could work out for us. Still, I've been waiting to see if this future could happen for six months now, and I don't want to wait forever.
My therapist said she thought he's being true and honest and that what he's doing is reasonable, not helpful to me but better than jumping in when he's not ready. Blah blah blah.
I just feel like I want a relationship, I don't want to be in a relationship where the person and I are seeing other people and if he's not ready for that, well, I deserve that, it's not too much to ask. He needs time. I want him to have the time he needs. I also feel like I'm shortchanging myself if I accept less than what I want and what I deserve.
I keep second-guessing myself over my decision but well, I suppose God will take care of it. I have to give it up to Him.
All Alone
Kutless
Icy chills round your heart
A heart that's made of stone
It seems like
Life is out to get you
To destroy what you want
I know that, that you blame me for all that you go through
It could be, so different if you would just let it go
You're all alone
Running out of ways to
Hold on to hope
And it always slips away
You're all alone
But you don't have to
Pretend to cope
There is a brighter way
If you would change your perspective
You'd see that it is true
Life is not always what you want
Sometimes it's hard to bear
I'd be with you, and help you in all that you go through
I love you, let Me change your heart by coming in
You're all alone
Running out of ways to
Hold on to hope
And it always slips away
You're all alone
But you don't have to
Pretend to cope
There is a brighter way