So I told you I only write when I'm sad, yes?
I felt again today like I didn't want to be here and like I don't know if I'm gonna make it. I get so scared when I feel that way and it feels so hopeless. I woke up thinking, "oh my god, no, no" and desperately wanting not to get up. The time with J went really well, we got along great and were really close just as we always were, although I have no idea if things will work out with him, but then I got home and saw this pile I had made in my bedroom, this mess pile and I immediately felt hopeless and depressed, just BOOM like that. I can't stand that, I wish I didn't take that stuff so hard. People who come to my house say they think it looks neat and clean and to a certain degree it's true, my living room is really neat and clean, my bathroom too, the kitchen except for the sink ... but I see the pot I've left in the sink since I made soup like five days ago, five days! and maybe it doesn't look bad to other people but I take it so hard, there are ... let me go count ... there are 3 cups, 3 mugs and the pot and the spoon in there ... I could do that in ten minutes or less, why does it seem like the end of the world to me ... when I don't take care of things immediately I get so overwhelmed and down on myself for it ... so there's the little ten minute sink bomb, there's the suitcase to unpack from this weekend in my closet, there's the 5 boxes that I want to make storage from next to the table, there's the coming-into-the-house-bomb I dropped inside the door to my bedroom, which includes ANOTHER suitcase I didn't unpack after coming home from seeing J the LAST time which was forever ago, see? goddamnit!!! ... when I walk into my house I see the mess I've made of my art room, so it's like this immediate reminder of all my flaws and how I don't take care of things and how I'm not good at life, then I see this pile I've made in my bedroom, things I drop down on the floor when I walk in, and immediately this sense of overwhelming doom and despair just consumes me and I want to lie down and go to sleep forever. I wish I was more easygoing in that area and that I could just do things, I wish I wasn't like this. I thought of going for a walk or how much I like going to the beach but I couldn't get myself there ...