Tools for Healthy Relationship - 1 of 8
Nothing challenges me more than an ultimatum. A declaration said with firm back and raised chin as a definitive be-all-end-all answer. It is a call to arms for me regardless if I believe in the statement myself or not. The world I pursue ebbs and flows through the greys and I constantly strive for balance and understanding.
I came across an article today: How to Make It Work Tools for Healthy [any] Relationship
by Brian Frederick. As I started reading through it I found a lot of “good intentions” and very easily spouted ideals. It also sounded a lot like something that could be waved under the nose of another and say.. “SEEE”. The best intentions and needs for feeling supported and validated perhaps pushing the information into blacks and whites of extremes.
There are eight points to the article. Loving nothing more than a challenge to self and ‘declarations’ I am going to put down my thoughts on these as I work them out for myself.
1. Tell the Truth.
Lasting relationships are built on trust. Trust is built on honesty.
Valid. Define Honesty: Date- 14th century
1obsolete : chastity2 a: fairness and straightforwardness of conduct b: adherence to the facts : sincerity
Honesty isn't hard and it's a good habit. Bite the bullet, tell the truth.
WHAT THE F! That is so over simplified and black/white. Has this person tried Honesty? It's freakin hard! Terrifying! It physically generates a rise in blood pressure and heart rate. It can trigger every internal fear and insecurity, childhood/teenhood trauma, and defense/offense mechanism that our adult brains can fathom. IF it was EASY we wouldn't spend YEARS teaching children the difference between a lie and the truth. Even then.. it sure as hell isn't black and white! There are very few situations where HONESTY is guaranteed to be TRUTH. Witnesses to a car accident will all HONESTLY tell you what happened. SOMEWHERE in all that is the truth.
If your relationship can't weather it, you are in the wrong relationship; but it probably can.
Valid. BUT still a risky risk to take for many. The thought of living without someone puts a weight on each expression or discussion of issues. “ Is losing this relationship worth being right? Being heard? Expressing my views?” Sometimes, the honest answer is.. No. That is a judgement call based on other needs and a valid consideration for many. ( yes I am aware that in an ideal world, people are able to be mature and work through things in a civilized and considerate manner... like a board room. BUT when emotions and feelings get invloved... “ is my ass fat?” is not always wise to answer with complete honesty!)
Telling the truth is easier than lying, all rumor and myth to the contrary.
Again! WTF?! * shakes head and moves on*
Lies are a lot of work. They weigh you down and isolate you. Small lies get lonely and seek out bigger lies.
YES. Agreed. Definitive word here is SMALL. Is that “ nope.. no interruption” when they call and you are out for coffee a lie? Or just a reassurance that “ yes it's an interruption but it's ok.. what's up?”
Don't ask one [person] to lie or keep secrets from others. Secrets may not be lies but they breed lies. Secrets build walls and discourage intimacy. Know the difference between privacy and secrecy.
UREKA! Privacy and Secrecy! Is that like Lieing and being discrete? hmmmmm
Resist the desire to tell someone what you think they want to hear or try to protect them.
BUT TACT is your friend and responsibility here too. “ well it's the truth” is a thin excuse for saying something that was simply hurtful.
"Especially do not feign affection." If you're not sure about love, say so.
Valid. Man, you would be really easy to love... or even that old elementary school “ I really Like LIKE you.” are still ok phrases if you aren't sure. Just don't be like my mother in the 3rd grade. When a boy got up the nerve to risk holding her hand in the hallway, she gasped.. jerked it back and the “ewwwwww” she said echoed down the hall for the entire school to hear. TACT!!!!!
If your relationships are not a high priority in your life, let people know.
“Man.. I so could get lost in spending time with you... but it is really important for me to focus on ___ right now. Can we ____?”
Encourage honesty in others. Above all, be honest with yourself. Are you looking to build a family or for a little sexual variety?
“I was honest with you! NOW be honest with me!!” Whoa nelly! Perspective of honesty is not someone else's call to make. Re read the above if you think things are honestly ( pun) that clear cut. Perhaps someone is telling what they feel is the whole truth through their perspective. Either way, honesty is not a pedestal of superiority. It is a goal and tool towards communication.
But don't feel that everyone needs to hear everything you think of them! Sometimes that is simply irresponsible and arrogant. NO sometimes people don't need to hear how the color of their eyes reminds them of some abusive relationship in college. What is to gain in that other than the liberation of saying what you want!
.
Responsibility in Honesty.
(point 2. will come later.)
I came across an article today: How to Make It Work Tools for Healthy [any] Relationship
by Brian Frederick. As I started reading through it I found a lot of “good intentions” and very easily spouted ideals. It also sounded a lot like something that could be waved under the nose of another and say.. “SEEE”. The best intentions and needs for feeling supported and validated perhaps pushing the information into blacks and whites of extremes.
There are eight points to the article. Loving nothing more than a challenge to self and ‘declarations’ I am going to put down my thoughts on these as I work them out for myself.
1. Tell the Truth.
Lasting relationships are built on trust. Trust is built on honesty.
Valid. Define Honesty: Date- 14th century
1obsolete : chastity2 a: fairness and straightforwardness of conduct b: adherence to the facts : sincerity
Honesty isn't hard and it's a good habit. Bite the bullet, tell the truth.
WHAT THE F! That is so over simplified and black/white. Has this person tried Honesty? It's freakin hard! Terrifying! It physically generates a rise in blood pressure and heart rate. It can trigger every internal fear and insecurity, childhood/teenhood trauma, and defense/offense mechanism that our adult brains can fathom. IF it was EASY we wouldn't spend YEARS teaching children the difference between a lie and the truth. Even then.. it sure as hell isn't black and white! There are very few situations where HONESTY is guaranteed to be TRUTH. Witnesses to a car accident will all HONESTLY tell you what happened. SOMEWHERE in all that is the truth.
If your relationship can't weather it, you are in the wrong relationship; but it probably can.
Valid. BUT still a risky risk to take for many. The thought of living without someone puts a weight on each expression or discussion of issues. “ Is losing this relationship worth being right? Being heard? Expressing my views?” Sometimes, the honest answer is.. No. That is a judgement call based on other needs and a valid consideration for many. ( yes I am aware that in an ideal world, people are able to be mature and work through things in a civilized and considerate manner... like a board room. BUT when emotions and feelings get invloved... “ is my ass fat?” is not always wise to answer with complete honesty!)
Telling the truth is easier than lying, all rumor and myth to the contrary.
Again! WTF?! * shakes head and moves on*
Lies are a lot of work. They weigh you down and isolate you. Small lies get lonely and seek out bigger lies.
YES. Agreed. Definitive word here is SMALL. Is that “ nope.. no interruption” when they call and you are out for coffee a lie? Or just a reassurance that “ yes it's an interruption but it's ok.. what's up?”
Don't ask one [person] to lie or keep secrets from others. Secrets may not be lies but they breed lies. Secrets build walls and discourage intimacy. Know the difference between privacy and secrecy.
UREKA! Privacy and Secrecy! Is that like Lieing and being discrete? hmmmmm
Resist the desire to tell someone what you think they want to hear or try to protect them.
BUT TACT is your friend and responsibility here too. “ well it's the truth” is a thin excuse for saying something that was simply hurtful.
"Especially do not feign affection." If you're not sure about love, say so.
Valid. Man, you would be really easy to love... or even that old elementary school “ I really Like LIKE you.” are still ok phrases if you aren't sure. Just don't be like my mother in the 3rd grade. When a boy got up the nerve to risk holding her hand in the hallway, she gasped.. jerked it back and the “ewwwwww” she said echoed down the hall for the entire school to hear. TACT!!!!!
If your relationships are not a high priority in your life, let people know.
“Man.. I so could get lost in spending time with you... but it is really important for me to focus on ___ right now. Can we ____?”
Encourage honesty in others. Above all, be honest with yourself. Are you looking to build a family or for a little sexual variety?
“I was honest with you! NOW be honest with me!!” Whoa nelly! Perspective of honesty is not someone else's call to make. Re read the above if you think things are honestly ( pun) that clear cut. Perhaps someone is telling what they feel is the whole truth through their perspective. Either way, honesty is not a pedestal of superiority. It is a goal and tool towards communication.
But don't feel that everyone needs to hear everything you think of them! Sometimes that is simply irresponsible and arrogant. NO sometimes people don't need to hear how the color of their eyes reminds them of some abusive relationship in college. What is to gain in that other than the liberation of saying what you want!
.
Responsibility in Honesty.
(point 2. will come later.)