[Private]
I want to do this calmly and lay everything out and think it through. I've had enough of stupid mistakes and I don't want to make another one.
Is this what the Fates want? I get it, the attraction. How comfortable I feel even when everything everyone screams at me not to. I should just run the other fucking direction. Maybe ask for a new roommate. It would put some space between us and maybe make all this easier. Everything is a fucking maybe. I miss being able to know anything. All I get now are stupid little glimpses that tell me next to nothing and leave me with a headache. Then again, maybe the headache is from overthinking all this. Nothing makes it go away.
Just trying to go with it got me into this mess in the first place. I wanted to trust him and hope that I could move on here. I don't want to be as angry as Polyxena. I made my stupid mistakes already back in Troy and...I'm just making new stupid mistakes here. I know what he did. I saw it. Polyxena and mom and dad...Cass. We were all marching for the inevitable and I hated it. I wanted to change things maybe. I knew I wouldn't get Helen. I should never have fought or her, that stupid fight convinced me to leave Troy. Staying would have changed things more then winning that woman's hand. Fighting was a waste of time. I should have stayed.
I might have avoided the dishonor of being declared a traitor then. As another soldier of Troy, maybe I would have died with her.
Everything comes down to maybes. I'm useless here. I only ever had any use to anyone in Troy because of the sight Cass gave me. Without it? I can't fight like my brothers. I'm not a leader like them. I can't even keep Cass sane.
Seeing a future I didn't know was terrifying. I shouldn't be a father. When I said yes, it wasn't promising forever. I wanted a companion and when he looked at me- he wanted me. Not what I could foretell for him. So where the fuck does that all leave me? Do I panic (again) and leave, or trust what I see in his face despite what I know he's done? Is it even panicking when it's what some of my family wants?
I wish I knew why future me, back in Troy and Greece, forgave him.
Is this what the Fates want? I get it, the attraction. How comfortable I feel even when everything everyone screams at me not to. I should just run the other fucking direction. Maybe ask for a new roommate. It would put some space between us and maybe make all this easier. Everything is a fucking maybe. I miss being able to know anything. All I get now are stupid little glimpses that tell me next to nothing and leave me with a headache. Then again, maybe the headache is from overthinking all this. Nothing makes it go away.
Just trying to go with it got me into this mess in the first place. I wanted to trust him and hope that I could move on here. I don't want to be as angry as Polyxena. I made my stupid mistakes already back in Troy and...I'm just making new stupid mistakes here. I know what he did. I saw it. Polyxena and mom and dad...Cass. We were all marching for the inevitable and I hated it. I wanted to change things maybe. I knew I wouldn't get Helen. I should never have fought or her, that stupid fight convinced me to leave Troy. Staying would have changed things more then winning that woman's hand. Fighting was a waste of time. I should have stayed.
I might have avoided the dishonor of being declared a traitor then. As another soldier of Troy, maybe I would have died with her.
Everything comes down to maybes. I'm useless here. I only ever had any use to anyone in Troy because of the sight Cass gave me. Without it? I can't fight like my brothers. I'm not a leader like them. I can't even keep Cass sane.
Seeing a future I didn't know was terrifying. I shouldn't be a father. When I said yes, it wasn't promising forever. I wanted a companion and when he looked at me- he wanted me. Not what I could foretell for him. So where the fuck does that all leave me? Do I panic (again) and leave, or trust what I see in his face despite what I know he's done? Is it even panicking when it's what some of my family wants?
I wish I knew why future me, back in Troy and Greece, forgave him.