tonight
Tonight is one of those nights. One of those nights where I would rather be anywhere else but here. It is one of those nights where the loneliness overwhelms me to the point that I can no longer move....or maybe I just don't want to. All I can do is sit and think about mistakes made, people hurt, events gone by.
Of course I think about him, I do most nights...but tonight the feelings overwhelm, overpower..I wonder where he is and what he is doing, who he is with and what he is doing with them. Not because I am a crazy stalker...but because I am sad. I am sad that although we are "best friends", I no longer feel a part if his life. I feel forgotten and abandoned. Left behind to fend for myself, only to be remembered when the time is right, when the time is convenient, when there is no one better to be with/nothing better to do. I know these feelings are irrational. I know he still cares about me....I just worry that in the haze of a drunken hour, I will be forgotten.
I cannot bring myself to go out, to party, to move on, but it seems as though this comes so easily for him. I want him to be happy and to enjoy his life, but in all honesty, I am sad, perhaps a touch jealous, I am sad that he seems so happy to be rid of me, I would have given him my world, my life....I worry that I've been left behind for the thrill of conquest, for the lure of something new, something more exciting. I am sad that he seems so un-affected by our separation, so numb to it all. I am sad that I am of so little consequence....
I am an emotional person, I value relationships. I believe on working on them until there is absolutely no hope. It hurts that the day of no hope came so quickly for him.
I know however, that he will always be there for me in some capacity. He is loyal, thoughtful and caring. For that I am grateful. I care far too much to have him walk away for ever and always, with no contact or second thought. I love him dearly, He truly is my best friend. I need to learn to accept the new rules of engagement, the new codes of conduct. One day I will be okay with all of this. Sadly, that day is not today......
Of course I think about him, I do most nights...but tonight the feelings overwhelm, overpower..I wonder where he is and what he is doing, who he is with and what he is doing with them. Not because I am a crazy stalker...but because I am sad. I am sad that although we are "best friends", I no longer feel a part if his life. I feel forgotten and abandoned. Left behind to fend for myself, only to be remembered when the time is right, when the time is convenient, when there is no one better to be with/nothing better to do. I know these feelings are irrational. I know he still cares about me....I just worry that in the haze of a drunken hour, I will be forgotten.
I cannot bring myself to go out, to party, to move on, but it seems as though this comes so easily for him. I want him to be happy and to enjoy his life, but in all honesty, I am sad, perhaps a touch jealous, I am sad that he seems so happy to be rid of me, I would have given him my world, my life....I worry that I've been left behind for the thrill of conquest, for the lure of something new, something more exciting. I am sad that he seems so un-affected by our separation, so numb to it all. I am sad that I am of so little consequence....
I am an emotional person, I value relationships. I believe on working on them until there is absolutely no hope. It hurts that the day of no hope came so quickly for him.
I know however, that he will always be there for me in some capacity. He is loyal, thoughtful and caring. For that I am grateful. I care far too much to have him walk away for ever and always, with no contact or second thought. I love him dearly, He truly is my best friend. I need to learn to accept the new rules of engagement, the new codes of conduct. One day I will be okay with all of this. Sadly, that day is not today......