rough weekend
lots of breakdowns and I'm blaming all on being horomonal, although I know it's something deeper.
Insecurity and self-doubt are eating me alive. Poor Damon is putting up with it all pretty well, but even he has his breaking point.
Saturday night I cried and cried...all I really wanted to do is go home and let my mom take care of me for awhile. I'm tired of being an adult. I miss my dad terribly. I told Damon that. I told him that I felt like my dad was the only one that ever understood me and he said that was because my dad was the only person I'd open up to. And it's true. I shut down. I completely shut everyone out of my pain and let it fester and grow. I keep pushing it down and ignoring it, focusing on being superficially happy until that becomes my reality again.
I worry that I'm making all the wrong decisions...not to get married, not to have kids...I worry that down the road I'll regret all of it. Maybe it's my biological clock slapping me in the face, coming to grips with the fact that I'm getting older and I don't have forever to put it off.
Every day I worry that he wants someone else. I know he loves me, but I worry that he doesn't passionately desire me. Sometimes I feel like I don't know how he could. I feel completely ugly and unlovable. It's tearing me apart. I can't be around other people so much of the time because of my insecurity. Rather, I can be around them, but I shut down and sit there like a deaf mute. He wants me to meet a friend/customer of his.....She's so hot and got a great rack and all I can think is...."how can I compete with that?" He thinks she's bi...but I don't know if I could deal with getting involved with that right now. How can I share him with someone else when I'm already terrified someone is going to take him from me?
My birthday is in two weeks...I'm going shopping today for a "pick me up" outfit to wear out. Not sure exactly what we're doing...but I think if I can find something that will be ok for work too, it'll be good. Probably will go to express and try to find something sexy, but not over the top....
Dillard's is having a big shoe sale too, so I'll probably hit that as well.
Insecurity and self-doubt are eating me alive. Poor Damon is putting up with it all pretty well, but even he has his breaking point.
Saturday night I cried and cried...all I really wanted to do is go home and let my mom take care of me for awhile. I'm tired of being an adult. I miss my dad terribly. I told Damon that. I told him that I felt like my dad was the only one that ever understood me and he said that was because my dad was the only person I'd open up to. And it's true. I shut down. I completely shut everyone out of my pain and let it fester and grow. I keep pushing it down and ignoring it, focusing on being superficially happy until that becomes my reality again.
I worry that I'm making all the wrong decisions...not to get married, not to have kids...I worry that down the road I'll regret all of it. Maybe it's my biological clock slapping me in the face, coming to grips with the fact that I'm getting older and I don't have forever to put it off.
Every day I worry that he wants someone else. I know he loves me, but I worry that he doesn't passionately desire me. Sometimes I feel like I don't know how he could. I feel completely ugly and unlovable. It's tearing me apart. I can't be around other people so much of the time because of my insecurity. Rather, I can be around them, but I shut down and sit there like a deaf mute. He wants me to meet a friend/customer of his.....She's so hot and got a great rack and all I can think is...."how can I compete with that?" He thinks she's bi...but I don't know if I could deal with getting involved with that right now. How can I share him with someone else when I'm already terrified someone is going to take him from me?
My birthday is in two weeks...I'm going shopping today for a "pick me up" outfit to wear out. Not sure exactly what we're doing...but I think if I can find something that will be ok for work too, it'll be good. Probably will go to express and try to find something sexy, but not over the top....
Dillard's is having a big shoe sale too, so I'll probably hit that as well.