really depressed
Thinking of how things could've been. Thinking of all the mistakes I've made in my life. Thinking to myself, "why did I do that?" after different memories.
Here's another thing I blame on my mom. I really wish she would've talked to me about sex. I really wish that my parents would've had a balanced relationship, or that my mom would've known what that meant while raising me. I wish she wouldn't have allowed me to date Robert or Daniel. I was too young to be dating. And they were just...too old. She set no standards for me. I've gone into so many situations without any dignity or self-respect. The only thing that's done me any good is being introduced to feminism. But even that falls short of what I really need. What I really need is an older female role model who knows what love really is.
The only reason I'm dwelling in the past right now is because I still can't quite understand myself and the self-destructive things that I do. I really should be studying right now, and after I finish this I'll get on that.
I don't want to spend my life comparing myself to others. Like, "Oh well at least I'm not as bad as so and so. She's really lost it." No. All I can do is push myself to be better than I ever thought I could be. And when I think about the past and some of the mistakes I've repeated (sometimes several times), I feel so so horrified and stupid and awful.
Me and Kristjan were sitting outside on campus at UofH. There's really friendly squirrels everywhere there. All you have to do is kneel down and put your hand out and one will slowly starting hopping towards you. Very cautiously they come closer. Sometimes they even touch your hand with their nose. But if you move, even a tiny tiny bit, they will run full speed in the other direction. Kristjan said, "Squirrels are funny. They very slowly walk up and quickly run away." I said, "I should be more like a squirrel." He said, "You are a squirrel." And right there he was just trying to be cute but....ANYWAY, I think squirrels have it down as far as protecting themselves go. Open...but very, very cautious and willing to run at any moment.
Here's another thing I blame on my mom. I really wish she would've talked to me about sex. I really wish that my parents would've had a balanced relationship, or that my mom would've known what that meant while raising me. I wish she wouldn't have allowed me to date Robert or Daniel. I was too young to be dating. And they were just...too old. She set no standards for me. I've gone into so many situations without any dignity or self-respect. The only thing that's done me any good is being introduced to feminism. But even that falls short of what I really need. What I really need is an older female role model who knows what love really is.
The only reason I'm dwelling in the past right now is because I still can't quite understand myself and the self-destructive things that I do. I really should be studying right now, and after I finish this I'll get on that.
I don't want to spend my life comparing myself to others. Like, "Oh well at least I'm not as bad as so and so. She's really lost it." No. All I can do is push myself to be better than I ever thought I could be. And when I think about the past and some of the mistakes I've repeated (sometimes several times), I feel so so horrified and stupid and awful.
Me and Kristjan were sitting outside on campus at UofH. There's really friendly squirrels everywhere there. All you have to do is kneel down and put your hand out and one will slowly starting hopping towards you. Very cautiously they come closer. Sometimes they even touch your hand with their nose. But if you move, even a tiny tiny bit, they will run full speed in the other direction. Kristjan said, "Squirrels are funny. They very slowly walk up and quickly run away." I said, "I should be more like a squirrel." He said, "You are a squirrel." And right there he was just trying to be cute but....ANYWAY, I think squirrels have it down as far as protecting themselves go. Open...but very, very cautious and willing to run at any moment.