Grateful
When I was young... wait let me rephrase that...
When I was younger, I was very vocal about this wish of dying at a young age, 30 to be exact. Every time I brought this up to my friends, they would retort with high pitched violent reactions. They said I was too morbid. It wasn't really something that I just said to freak them out. Looking back, I think it's my way of psyching myself to accomplish some things and achieve the elements of my daydreams. I was an idealistic kid and I viewed life from a different perspective. I wanted to fast forward everything and chase after life.
And that's probably why I always got the birthday blues. I dreaded my birthday more than I dread Christmas. Other people see it as a time for celebration, I, on the other hand, look at it as if I'm the president of some country and I am about to inform my constituents that the treasury is empty because of mismanagement. Sorry, lousy examples, but you know what I mean. Every time I turn a year older, it's the time for me to perform a self-check, and every time I felt that sense of failure. It seemed that nothing I've done was enough.
I was waiting for the melancholy to hit me today. For some reason, it didn't. Or maybe it did, but I didn't entertain it. Maybe I am indeed old and armed with new wisdom. Although there are still some things that I want to chase after, I feel some sense of contentment. Perhaps I've learned to take life as it is and just go wherever the surf takes me. My only fear is what if things don't get any better than this; but even that fear is being shadowed by optimism. For the first time as an adult, I feel thankful to be alive and I am happy to be starting another year in my life. I think that's a good thing.
And now all I can do is pray that God won't do an impression of the Pussycat Dolls and sing "be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it..." Now I know that living is good. :)
When I was younger, I was very vocal about this wish of dying at a young age, 30 to be exact. Every time I brought this up to my friends, they would retort with high pitched violent reactions. They said I was too morbid. It wasn't really something that I just said to freak them out. Looking back, I think it's my way of psyching myself to accomplish some things and achieve the elements of my daydreams. I was an idealistic kid and I viewed life from a different perspective. I wanted to fast forward everything and chase after life.
And that's probably why I always got the birthday blues. I dreaded my birthday more than I dread Christmas. Other people see it as a time for celebration, I, on the other hand, look at it as if I'm the president of some country and I am about to inform my constituents that the treasury is empty because of mismanagement. Sorry, lousy examples, but you know what I mean. Every time I turn a year older, it's the time for me to perform a self-check, and every time I felt that sense of failure. It seemed that nothing I've done was enough.
I was waiting for the melancholy to hit me today. For some reason, it didn't. Or maybe it did, but I didn't entertain it. Maybe I am indeed old and armed with new wisdom. Although there are still some things that I want to chase after, I feel some sense of contentment. Perhaps I've learned to take life as it is and just go wherever the surf takes me. My only fear is what if things don't get any better than this; but even that fear is being shadowed by optimism. For the first time as an adult, I feel thankful to be alive and I am happy to be starting another year in my life. I think that's a good thing.
And now all I can do is pray that God won't do an impression of the Pussycat Dolls and sing "be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it..." Now I know that living is good. :)