(no subject)
[mood| 
melancholy]
[music|one foot in front of the other- bright eyes ]
I was looking up stuff about my condition today on the net and i found a site(www.nass.co.uk) that had heaps of info about Ankylosing Spondylitis. Reading about it properly was a mixture of relieving and frightening. I was relieved because it felt good to be a little better prepared for what could happen, but it made me scared because it made me come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to get better, and that it could get so much worse. The site also has a forum which is great because its means that i can talk to people that know what I'm feeling. I could never really talk about it to anyone because there are no words to describe what it feels like so unless they could feel it for themselves they couldn't really understand. That's what really annoys me about mum saying that she understands what I'm going through..she really doesn't.
I can handle the pain most of time, except on really bad days, most of the time nobody can see that I'm in pain at all. But there's a whole other mental side to it. everyday wears away at your mind until you have to break down or you'll go mad. More than half of the days i had to take off school weren't because i couldn't handle the pain, it was because i didn't want to break down in front of everybody.
Right now I'm scared..and angry. scared because i don't want to become crippled like the people on that website, and angry because I'm only 18 and i shouldn't have to deal with this just because i got some dud genes. I've only had it for 7 years, but every year its gotten worse and spread further. What am i going to be like after 30, 40, 50 years?
melancholy]
[music|one foot in front of the other- bright eyes ]
I was looking up stuff about my condition today on the net and i found a site(www.nass.co.uk) that had heaps of info about Ankylosing Spondylitis. Reading about it properly was a mixture of relieving and frightening. I was relieved because it felt good to be a little better prepared for what could happen, but it made me scared because it made me come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to get better, and that it could get so much worse. The site also has a forum which is great because its means that i can talk to people that know what I'm feeling. I could never really talk about it to anyone because there are no words to describe what it feels like so unless they could feel it for themselves they couldn't really understand. That's what really annoys me about mum saying that she understands what I'm going through..she really doesn't.
I can handle the pain most of time, except on really bad days, most of the time nobody can see that I'm in pain at all. But there's a whole other mental side to it. everyday wears away at your mind until you have to break down or you'll go mad. More than half of the days i had to take off school weren't because i couldn't handle the pain, it was because i didn't want to break down in front of everybody.
Right now I'm scared..and angry. scared because i don't want to become crippled like the people on that website, and angry because I'm only 18 and i shouldn't have to deal with this just because i got some dud genes. I've only had it for 7 years, but every year its gotten worse and spread further. What am i going to be like after 30, 40, 50 years?