Anxiety
..sucks. Like seriously. I am SO TIRED of doubting how people feel about me for NO good reason other than the fact my brain hates me.
So ranting about that, cut because I'm sure not everyone cares to read.
This isn't new, it's been a part of my whole life, but it was managed, really well in fact, before being pregnant. Then it came back and it was terrible, but I recognized it and eventually, got help with conseling and prescription.It started to get better, almost managed again, and now, partially because my insurance no longer covers conseling, it's slipping back a bit.
It's a vicious cycle, because it feeds itself. I have an off day, or moment, and doubt happends. As my hubby says, my 'head getsloud' and has nothing good to say. The worst case scenario becomes a fixation- I've made someone mad at me and now they hate me, and they tell everyone that they should too, and they should because obviously I'm a terrible person.
Then it perpetuates- I know this isn't fully true, if at all, but man people must be so sick of hearing about my stupid anxiety or feel bad and pity me and o one really enjoys my company, after all low self esteem is like, so unattractive in a person,so I don't blame them.
So I pull away, worried that I'm annoying/bugging people. I've gotten better about this, and try not to let myself disappear, since in fact the only way to come out of it is to be with my friends, who in my right mind I know care about me and like spending time with me. I'm trying to ask for help when i feel overwhelmed, make plans when I know Grum will be away, reach out when I feel off.
I guess I've been crying in my sleep. Not often, but at least twice in the past few months. I have no idea why.
Spoke with my awesome doctor about it, he offered to up my meds, but I'll have to go off them if/when I get pregnant, so it seemed like It'd just make things harder later on, so not going to do it. So my only options re just to do what I can to mitigate when it happens, and plan when I can to prevent situations where I know it will be harder on me.
I really, really hate feeling this way. I don't like how it effects my relationships, how it makes me look. I love people, I adore my friends, I wish I could undo the damage to my well being a bunch of stupid kids did decades ago.
But what can you do, besides what I'm doing, right?
So ranting about that, cut because I'm sure not everyone cares to read.
This isn't new, it's been a part of my whole life, but it was managed, really well in fact, before being pregnant. Then it came back and it was terrible, but I recognized it and eventually, got help with conseling and prescription.It started to get better, almost managed again, and now, partially because my insurance no longer covers conseling, it's slipping back a bit.
It's a vicious cycle, because it feeds itself. I have an off day, or moment, and doubt happends. As my hubby says, my 'head getsloud' and has nothing good to say. The worst case scenario becomes a fixation- I've made someone mad at me and now they hate me, and they tell everyone that they should too, and they should because obviously I'm a terrible person.
Then it perpetuates- I know this isn't fully true, if at all, but man people must be so sick of hearing about my stupid anxiety or feel bad and pity me and o one really enjoys my company, after all low self esteem is like, so unattractive in a person,so I don't blame them.
So I pull away, worried that I'm annoying/bugging people. I've gotten better about this, and try not to let myself disappear, since in fact the only way to come out of it is to be with my friends, who in my right mind I know care about me and like spending time with me. I'm trying to ask for help when i feel overwhelmed, make plans when I know Grum will be away, reach out when I feel off.
I guess I've been crying in my sleep. Not often, but at least twice in the past few months. I have no idea why.
Spoke with my awesome doctor about it, he offered to up my meds, but I'll have to go off them if/when I get pregnant, so it seemed like It'd just make things harder later on, so not going to do it. So my only options re just to do what I can to mitigate when it happens, and plan when I can to prevent situations where I know it will be harder on me.
I really, really hate feeling this way. I don't like how it effects my relationships, how it makes me look. I love people, I adore my friends, I wish I could undo the damage to my well being a bunch of stupid kids did decades ago.
But what can you do, besides what I'm doing, right?