[300]
i'm lost.
ray is not sure whether or not he wants to be in a relationship with me.
it's been on his mind for a little while now.
he thinks he's not as happy as me (this is not a contest), that he's uncomfortable with me being attached to him because he thinks he shouldn't be so important (he is not my highest priority), and that he's changing as a person.
i ask him if he's okay, he says "i don't know".
he says that a lot.
it's not me, and he cares about me, and he likes me, but he's just so damn unsure of himself.
as much as i want him to stay with me (none of you can fathom how i feel for him), i don't want him to stay just because it would honestly devastate me if he left. that's not the only reason he'd want to stick with me.
i asked, and he said, "i just do."
a non-analytical statement. it meant so much to me. why? i don't know. i won't question it.
but nonetheless, he is still questioning whether or not he wants to be with me. i have faith that he'll stay, but if he ends up leaving, i'll be ripped apart.
i'll know next week, when all of the stress this week has brought both of us goes away.
as much as he says it's not me, i don't know why i keep thinking it is.
maybe it's because i feel like lately i'm not meeting anyone's expectations.
i fail as a student, a girlfriend, an editor, a friend, a daughter.
as a student, i slack too much.
as a girlfriend, i take things too seriously (according to ray) and care too much.
as an editor, i miss deadlines, miss quota, and set a bad example as someone who could potentially be editor-in-chief.
as a friend, i give regurgitated advice and can't carry the weight of their problems as much as i want to.
as a daughter, i lie and hide to get my parents, the people who will be guaranteed to stick with me through thick and thin, to get them to leave me alone.
i want my confidence back.
matt will not shut up about me ever, despite how much he dislikes me. dare i say, hate.
apparently i'm all he talks about during his lunch to mutual friends.
why? WHY?
cameron mcneil says he thinks he still likes me.
but that's pretty fucked up, so i'm not even going to touch that.
i gave him his shirt back. i thought i lost it forever.
"this belongs to you," i said.
he didn't look at me, didn't say thank you.
glance, nod, move on.
he's dead now.
there may be more later.
i don't know.
300.
- helen.
ray is not sure whether or not he wants to be in a relationship with me.
it's been on his mind for a little while now.
he thinks he's not as happy as me (this is not a contest), that he's uncomfortable with me being attached to him because he thinks he shouldn't be so important (he is not my highest priority), and that he's changing as a person.
i ask him if he's okay, he says "i don't know".
he says that a lot.
it's not me, and he cares about me, and he likes me, but he's just so damn unsure of himself.
as much as i want him to stay with me (none of you can fathom how i feel for him), i don't want him to stay just because it would honestly devastate me if he left. that's not the only reason he'd want to stick with me.
i asked, and he said, "i just do."
a non-analytical statement. it meant so much to me. why? i don't know. i won't question it.
but nonetheless, he is still questioning whether or not he wants to be with me. i have faith that he'll stay, but if he ends up leaving, i'll be ripped apart.
i'll know next week, when all of the stress this week has brought both of us goes away.
as much as he says it's not me, i don't know why i keep thinking it is.
maybe it's because i feel like lately i'm not meeting anyone's expectations.
i fail as a student, a girlfriend, an editor, a friend, a daughter.
as a student, i slack too much.
as a girlfriend, i take things too seriously (according to ray) and care too much.
as an editor, i miss deadlines, miss quota, and set a bad example as someone who could potentially be editor-in-chief.
as a friend, i give regurgitated advice and can't carry the weight of their problems as much as i want to.
as a daughter, i lie and hide to get my parents, the people who will be guaranteed to stick with me through thick and thin, to get them to leave me alone.
i want my confidence back.
matt will not shut up about me ever, despite how much he dislikes me. dare i say, hate.
apparently i'm all he talks about during his lunch to mutual friends.
why? WHY?
cameron mcneil says he thinks he still likes me.
but that's pretty fucked up, so i'm not even going to touch that.
i gave him his shirt back. i thought i lost it forever.
"this belongs to you," i said.
he didn't look at me, didn't say thank you.
glance, nod, move on.
he's dead now.
there may be more later.
i don't know.
300.
- helen.