(no subject)
So, I really haven't posted in a while. A long while. At least, not anything with any sort of substance. And to be honest, I've been wanting to post for a while. I've just wanted to update people on my life and let everyone know what's going on. This, of course, assumes that people read this journal and care about what's going on in my life. But I think that I can be bold enough to say that people care about me. But for the longest time I had wondered, What would/should I post about? And honestly that kept me from posting for quite some time. And every once in a while I would come up with something that I wanted to write about. But I wouldn't write about it for fear of upsetting someone or something like that.
The problem with this method is that I never wound up posting. And for what I think is a very silly reason. It's something that I've come to discover very recently as a fallacy. And that is that people would change how they though of me, and remain that way indefinitely. And this bothered me a lot, and probably for good reason, too. For some silly reason, I've always felt like only like the me that they perceive, regardless of whether or not that is the real me -- or if that is the me that I want to be. And I've always felt like people wouldn't like the real me or the me I want to be, because, well, it's different from the me that they're used to. (And at this point, I should stop saying 'people' and 'they' because I'm basically talking about you all, since you're all people I know and hope like me.)
And tonight, I had a revelation. And it wasn't that what I had thought was so silly that I shouldn't pay attention to it. I am this way, and it's gotten me somewhere at the very least. You are here, reading this because you care about me. And you want to know what's going on in my life. And while this is something that I am willing to take as (at least) a leap of faith, I do know that I care about all of you. And I know what that means to me. I know that to me it means that I'm willing to help you out if you need it, even when it may or may not be the most convenient thing for me. And I know that for me it sometimes means trying to help you endure the bad times in your life so that we can enjoy the good times as well. But, more than anything, it means that I'm willing to endure the changes that you and I go through as we grow up and move on in our lives.
But, what I didn't bother to realize is how much of a two way street this is, or should be or whatever. That you are willing to put up with me when I'm in a bad mood or something like that. That you're going to be there to help me if I absolutely need it and can't find it somewhere else. And that you'll like me as long as I'm still, fundamentally the same person that I've always been. And with that came another realization: The me that I'm so concerned about preserving is not the me that actually matters at all. The me that I'm trying the hardest to hold onto is not the soft spoken, quiet, timid, pushover that I'm sure I come across as. I am, have (almost always) been, and (likely) always will be a nice guy. But that gets overpowered by all of those other things that I do in an attempt to come across as a nice guy.
But, I think that at this point everyone believes that I'm a nice guy. And I think that at this point, I'd have to change that part of me, which at this point I think is pretty central to who I am as a person. I don't think that changing how I act in public regarding my interactions with you will affect how you think of me. At least I hope not. But, more to the point, I want to be able to change how I act a little bit, just so that I can let go of the things that I don't like about myself, but still retain my kernel which is what I hope you all think of when you think of me. And with that, I'm going to try something.
I want you to know that I care about you. That I think about you frequently, and that you mean a lot to me. That I worry about you and hope that you're okay, and that I'm afraid that if I don't pay attention to you, you'll get upset with me. It's why I try to always be everywhere at once, and inevitably wind up leaving things out, and forgetting to do things, and basically looking like an idiot sometimes. But I think the one thing that I don't do is actually tell you this. And I think on some level you know already know, and that I don't have to say it. But, I just want you to know. So that I don't have to keep telling myself that you'll be pushed away because I've told you how I feel. And that I don't have to try to act in some way that will convey to you what I want you know. That this way, you'll just know that I care, and that I always have and that I always will. And that's something that I want you to know, so that I don't have to worry about you not thinking that I don't care and that I'm not worried.
Having said that, I want to bid you all goodnight and good tomorrows.
-Ben
The problem with this method is that I never wound up posting. And for what I think is a very silly reason. It's something that I've come to discover very recently as a fallacy. And that is that people would change how they though of me, and remain that way indefinitely. And this bothered me a lot, and probably for good reason, too. For some silly reason, I've always felt like only like the me that they perceive, regardless of whether or not that is the real me -- or if that is the me that I want to be. And I've always felt like people wouldn't like the real me or the me I want to be, because, well, it's different from the me that they're used to. (And at this point, I should stop saying 'people' and 'they' because I'm basically talking about you all, since you're all people I know and hope like me.)
And tonight, I had a revelation. And it wasn't that what I had thought was so silly that I shouldn't pay attention to it. I am this way, and it's gotten me somewhere at the very least. You are here, reading this because you care about me. And you want to know what's going on in my life. And while this is something that I am willing to take as (at least) a leap of faith, I do know that I care about all of you. And I know what that means to me. I know that to me it means that I'm willing to help you out if you need it, even when it may or may not be the most convenient thing for me. And I know that for me it sometimes means trying to help you endure the bad times in your life so that we can enjoy the good times as well. But, more than anything, it means that I'm willing to endure the changes that you and I go through as we grow up and move on in our lives.
But, what I didn't bother to realize is how much of a two way street this is, or should be or whatever. That you are willing to put up with me when I'm in a bad mood or something like that. That you're going to be there to help me if I absolutely need it and can't find it somewhere else. And that you'll like me as long as I'm still, fundamentally the same person that I've always been. And with that came another realization: The me that I'm so concerned about preserving is not the me that actually matters at all. The me that I'm trying the hardest to hold onto is not the soft spoken, quiet, timid, pushover that I'm sure I come across as. I am, have (almost always) been, and (likely) always will be a nice guy. But that gets overpowered by all of those other things that I do in an attempt to come across as a nice guy.
But, I think that at this point everyone believes that I'm a nice guy. And I think that at this point, I'd have to change that part of me, which at this point I think is pretty central to who I am as a person. I don't think that changing how I act in public regarding my interactions with you will affect how you think of me. At least I hope not. But, more to the point, I want to be able to change how I act a little bit, just so that I can let go of the things that I don't like about myself, but still retain my kernel which is what I hope you all think of when you think of me. And with that, I'm going to try something.
I want you to know that I care about you. That I think about you frequently, and that you mean a lot to me. That I worry about you and hope that you're okay, and that I'm afraid that if I don't pay attention to you, you'll get upset with me. It's why I try to always be everywhere at once, and inevitably wind up leaving things out, and forgetting to do things, and basically looking like an idiot sometimes. But I think the one thing that I don't do is actually tell you this. And I think on some level you know already know, and that I don't have to say it. But, I just want you to know. So that I don't have to keep telling myself that you'll be pushed away because I've told you how I feel. And that I don't have to try to act in some way that will convey to you what I want you know. That this way, you'll just know that I care, and that I always have and that I always will. And that's something that I want you to know, so that I don't have to worry about you not thinking that I don't care and that I'm not worried.
Having said that, I want to bid you all goodnight and good tomorrows.
-Ben