I know
I started this as a private response to someone I consider a dear friend, but it got out of hand and I didn't want her to feel like I was proseletysing. There's been a few other incidents in my life recently which sparked the length and vehemence herein, so I probably am a bit. But here it goes.
You're right. The first time an intimate partner uses violence against you, it's a total shock to the system. Especially if there's been no indication that this was likely to happen. You're also right that the act has to be looked at in context - and the longer the good history you have with the person, the greater the sense of dislocation that they could do something like this.
I know.
I know the feeling of powerlessness that comes with having it forcibly brought home to you that, no matter the number of GIRLS CAN DO ANYTHING stickers in the world, you are still able to be physically overpowered and be completely at the mercy of somebody else.
I know the massive isolation of looking at your situation in the cold light of day and realising that financially you'd be up shit creek without the person who assaulted you, and probably reliant on people you'd rather not hand a gold-plated reason for a rousing chorus of "I told you so", especially in your current mental and physical condition. I know that crushing helplessness.
I know the doubt and self-hate that comes after a lifetime of being tough and taking no shit and knowing that you're a strong, independent woman who wears what she wants, goes where she wants, says what she wants, has all been thrown back in your face as just so much hot air when confronted with a situation where your bodily autonomy has been thoroughly removed and violated, especially by somebody you've loved and trusted implicitly, body and soul.
I also know that there comes a time when you have to sit down and think very hard about what you're willing to forgive, and what you're willing to live with. A genuinely once-off incident, however severe? Long sleeves in summer? Plastering on a smile while you determinedly make your limbs work and behave normally despite the pain in front of friends and family? Having to remember what cover story you told to whom, and how often? Desperately trying to avoid any circumstances that resemble those that preceded the attack, and feeling that sickening vertigo when something is said or done that could spark them, or reminds you of them?
I know that people will surprise you. Some with generosity, both physically and of spirit. Some with a venom and ferocity you would not have believed possible in someone you considered a friend. I know that the latter can make you feel all the more isolated, but the former will start to rekindle your hope - for yourself.
And I know that, ultimately, you get through it. Stay or leave, whichever you decide to do, you'll get through this. You may never forget it, and it may colour your interactions with the world for quite a while to come, but I know that you will get through this.
I know because I have.
http://www.dvrc.org.au/
http://www.dvconnect.org/
http://www.centacarebrisbane.net.au/content.php/domestic-and-family-violence-support
You're right. The first time an intimate partner uses violence against you, it's a total shock to the system. Especially if there's been no indication that this was likely to happen. You're also right that the act has to be looked at in context - and the longer the good history you have with the person, the greater the sense of dislocation that they could do something like this.
I know.
I know the feeling of powerlessness that comes with having it forcibly brought home to you that, no matter the number of GIRLS CAN DO ANYTHING stickers in the world, you are still able to be physically overpowered and be completely at the mercy of somebody else.
I know the massive isolation of looking at your situation in the cold light of day and realising that financially you'd be up shit creek without the person who assaulted you, and probably reliant on people you'd rather not hand a gold-plated reason for a rousing chorus of "I told you so", especially in your current mental and physical condition. I know that crushing helplessness.
I know the doubt and self-hate that comes after a lifetime of being tough and taking no shit and knowing that you're a strong, independent woman who wears what she wants, goes where she wants, says what she wants, has all been thrown back in your face as just so much hot air when confronted with a situation where your bodily autonomy has been thoroughly removed and violated, especially by somebody you've loved and trusted implicitly, body and soul.
I also know that there comes a time when you have to sit down and think very hard about what you're willing to forgive, and what you're willing to live with. A genuinely once-off incident, however severe? Long sleeves in summer? Plastering on a smile while you determinedly make your limbs work and behave normally despite the pain in front of friends and family? Having to remember what cover story you told to whom, and how often? Desperately trying to avoid any circumstances that resemble those that preceded the attack, and feeling that sickening vertigo when something is said or done that could spark them, or reminds you of them?
I know that people will surprise you. Some with generosity, both physically and of spirit. Some with a venom and ferocity you would not have believed possible in someone you considered a friend. I know that the latter can make you feel all the more isolated, but the former will start to rekindle your hope - for yourself.
And I know that, ultimately, you get through it. Stay or leave, whichever you decide to do, you'll get through this. You may never forget it, and it may colour your interactions with the world for quite a while to come, but I know that you will get through this.
I know because I have.
http://www.dvrc.org.au/
http://www.dvconnect.org/
http://www.centacarebrisbane.net.au/content.php/domestic-and-family-violence-support