My head can sometimes be a bad place to be
So the other night, in exchange for a ride to the supermarket so I don't have to take a cab less than one kilometre coz I've bought more than two bags worth of groceries, I cooked dinner for myself, mammatash, and The Young Master. I cooked some beautiful lamb chops with mashed tatties and steamed beans, squash and onions. Healthy, whole foods, lots of nom. I used soy milk (available cow juice of dubious quality) and refrained from lashings of butter in the mash. We even convinced TYM to eat some of the squash without trying to spit it over the railing, so, Victory!
Except.
Instead of being ecstatic that I had sufficient appetite to actually clean my plate;
Instead of doing a little jig at having had the physical resources to not only do a supermarket trawl, but to go home and (after a brief rest) both cook and eat dinner ...
I sat there berating myself for being so greedy and eating too much and basically repeating over and over to myself that I'll never get down to my "healthy" (or fighting) weight again if I keep eating meals like that.
This has been going on all year. Every time I eat. I thought I'd broken these thought patterns years ago. Guess they never really go away. I just got good at ignoring them, and it took one (more) thoughtless member of the Medical Industrial Complex to tear down those defences and put me right back where I was when I was 18. Joy.
Except.
Instead of being ecstatic that I had sufficient appetite to actually clean my plate;
Instead of doing a little jig at having had the physical resources to not only do a supermarket trawl, but to go home and (after a brief rest) both cook and eat dinner ...
I sat there berating myself for being so greedy and eating too much and basically repeating over and over to myself that I'll never get down to my "healthy" (or fighting) weight again if I keep eating meals like that.
This has been going on all year. Every time I eat. I thought I'd broken these thought patterns years ago. Guess they never really go away. I just got good at ignoring them, and it took one (more) thoughtless member of the Medical Industrial Complex to tear down those defences and put me right back where I was when I was 18. Joy.