I'm in a Dark Place
For the past week (and still to this day really) I've been in a very dark place in my life mentally. I don't really know if I can even talk about it. It's not only the HIV, the HIV is only ever really a small part of it. I am 34 years old and really I feel like I'm a total failure in my life. I don't have a job. There are people out there younger than me that are getting killer jobs with great benefits and I can't even get a job at the local Wal-Mart. My master's degree has become more of a hindrance than useful. All I get anymore is that I'm too overqualified, why would someone of my qualifications want this job, we're afraid you'll just become too bored, or I just have more experience then the people actually doing the hiring. I just want to work. It seems that I value myself on the fact that I have a career, or lack there of. I'm not even getting rejection letters anymore. Nowadays I'm just getting nothing. I'm sick and tired of looking at my resume I've done it so often. And worse, I think I've lost every single one of my references. I no longer it seems have current contact information because I can't get in touch with them. Without references I'm even worse off.
Then of course there is the fact that I don't have a boyfriend. I've never had a boyfriend. I've never had anyone in my life that I have love, and that has loved me in return. I don't even want to mention dating. I haven't had a real date in over two years now. And the closest I've gotten to actual human physical contact. . .*snorts*. And to me the HIV feels like it's a sentence to never find love.
I feel trapped where I live. When I used to live in Orlando, I could have everything I could ever want at my fingertips, within 5, 10 miles max of where I lived. Here, in South Carolina, it's nearly 60 miles to just get to the mall. I can't afford to drive that far just for a Starbucks, or a movie, or even to wander around a store. I wake up and I sit by myself surfing the Internet and watching TV. .and that's about all I do every day, day in, day out. I just hate waking up anymore because I have usually nothing to look forward to from my day. I have no friends around here. No friends at all. Nobody is ever interested in coming out to where I live. Since I moved here two years ago, I've only had one friend from out of state visit. That's just it, all my good friends are almost 5 hours and two states away. I've no one "in the neighborhood". Nobody to just call me up and ask how I'm doing and if I want to hang out. And with no friends I really don't have a support system. I don't have anyone to slap me out of my funk. So I just sink deeper and deeper and deeper into my funk. Into my dark place.
Which then brings me to medical. Medical is just the tip of the iceberg. The straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. It's the biggest thing that stares me in the face every day. And I just can't afford anymore. My current medical bills are $30,000 and growing on a daily basis. I've been denied Medicaid already once, and Ryan White funds are forever. I need surgery now that I can't afford. Nor can I really afford my treatment anymore for my Psoriatic Arthritis. Did you know that my last temporary assignment canceled my job because I was, and I quote, "too sick." And of course I can't expect much more from our government because I live in one of the poorest states in the Union. The sucking economy doesn't help either. Social care and health care are always one of the first to be cut and go.
So you see the dark place where in I reside. There's no light at the end of the tunnel for me, which is why I just sometimes want to give up.
Then of course there is the fact that I don't have a boyfriend. I've never had a boyfriend. I've never had anyone in my life that I have love, and that has loved me in return. I don't even want to mention dating. I haven't had a real date in over two years now. And the closest I've gotten to actual human physical contact. . .*snorts*. And to me the HIV feels like it's a sentence to never find love.
I feel trapped where I live. When I used to live in Orlando, I could have everything I could ever want at my fingertips, within 5, 10 miles max of where I lived. Here, in South Carolina, it's nearly 60 miles to just get to the mall. I can't afford to drive that far just for a Starbucks, or a movie, or even to wander around a store. I wake up and I sit by myself surfing the Internet and watching TV. .and that's about all I do every day, day in, day out. I just hate waking up anymore because I have usually nothing to look forward to from my day. I have no friends around here. No friends at all. Nobody is ever interested in coming out to where I live. Since I moved here two years ago, I've only had one friend from out of state visit. That's just it, all my good friends are almost 5 hours and two states away. I've no one "in the neighborhood". Nobody to just call me up and ask how I'm doing and if I want to hang out. And with no friends I really don't have a support system. I don't have anyone to slap me out of my funk. So I just sink deeper and deeper and deeper into my funk. Into my dark place.
Which then brings me to medical. Medical is just the tip of the iceberg. The straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. It's the biggest thing that stares me in the face every day. And I just can't afford anymore. My current medical bills are $30,000 and growing on a daily basis. I've been denied Medicaid already once, and Ryan White funds are forever. I need surgery now that I can't afford. Nor can I really afford my treatment anymore for my Psoriatic Arthritis. Did you know that my last temporary assignment canceled my job because I was, and I quote, "too sick." And of course I can't expect much more from our government because I live in one of the poorest states in the Union. The sucking economy doesn't help either. Social care and health care are always one of the first to be cut and go.
So you see the dark place where in I reside. There's no light at the end of the tunnel for me, which is why I just sometimes want to give up.