I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it
I'm really sick of living.
I hate the way he treats me sometimes, and I hate the way I treat him sometimes and I hate that I can't be without him and I hate how sick all this is making me. But I love him.
And I hate that he gets so jealous. I hate that I can't talk to other guys now but that he can talk to other girls. And I hate that everything goes wrong, like everything I touch turns to dust.
And its like on Friday we were having fun and mucking around but Jake took it too far and he really hurt me and I'm surprised I'm not more bruised but oh well. And then Ben got mad at me because apparently Jake keeps flirting with me but its not my fault. And I don't know. Then we have to ditch Jake and meet Jack and I don't even like Jack but oh well again. And then he didn't even show.
And then all I wanted was too cuddle but no. We can never just cuddle because he kisses me and I can't help but kiss back because its sweet and then we end up making out and then he moves my hand and then we end up doing things and I don't want to. On Friday I even tried to pretend being really sleepy but it didn't work.
And then Saturday. Saturday was good and bad. Because I saw Siobhan up the city and I saw Michael and Charly too and that was cool. And then of course I saw my little chicky. But it was awkward and I didn't know what to do or say and I was afraid.
And Ben ditched me twice and that upset me so I went off with Hannah because it seems like Hannah understands me and we get on so well and you know sometimes I think shes the nicest person I know. And so we went to get a drink and stuff and when we get back Ben has a go at me for ditching him.
But then me and Shuv and Michael and Jake went on a donut hunt and we didn't find any so we bought sweets instead and it was cool and fun and then I found Hannah again and we all went Campbell and we went sainsburys on the way and Hannah stole us cider and I got a bit drunk and then we went back and got another bottle and then I was very drunk.
And then Ben said he couldn't take me home with him because I was drunk and I got all upset and Hannah took me for a walk and I cried all over her and she looked after me and we went back to sainsburys and she said she wants me to come to Spain with her in December and oh I really love Hannah because she's lovely.
And Capdown was amazing but really what was the point in Kathleen going because she spent the night standing with her arms folded and either glaring at me or watching Ben. And I was mad at Ben because he took E even though he promised he wouldn't. So I danced with Sandy and Emma and Bobby and cool Amy. And I did sexy dancing at the front when Capdown came on and I probably looked like a spack but I had fun so who cares?
And I'm really running out of time right now but yesterday I let John get me stoned because he kept saying he wanted to get me stoned and I was like...well I don't really care so I smoked some of his spliff and it was nice, like floaty and everything was funny and my laugh sounded like hiccuping and the world went silent and me and Sandy got afraid but it was funny.