(no subject)
i just feel so replaceable...i feel mad and sad and angry and used and like people can be such morons. i hate friends who discard me, i hate family who discourage me, i hate people who say one thing and do another. why is it ok for u to do it but not me? why do i get punished and teased and broken down, but you can step over me and do the exact same thing? why do u hurt me? why does this bother me so? how can you live with yourself, how can u sleep at night? i hate crying but i do it so often i almost think my tear ducts will wither and die soon. i am hurt so often. i am tired of letting people hurt me. i hate hurting people. i am so awful. i am such a bad friend. all i think of is myself. even as i am writing this i am thinking of my tears that are beginnging to form and my frown that feel permanent. i need to try to make things right. i want my feelings known but i dont want to disrupt people's happiness. i just feel like i'm in the way. i hate feeling like this. i dont know what is okay to feel and what i should be ashamed of. i want to be close to people but i hate being vulnerable. i hate getting hurt. i get hurt so often. all i want is to love and to be loved in return. i regret so much. am i so easy to get over? am i so easy to just stop seeing, to stop talking to? am i just a pit stop on the way to someone/thing else? i should have known. its my fault for letting you close. but i want closeness. i cant let people get close. but when i am alone i cry too. when i am not alone i cry. why am i always so unhappy?