Warning cursing, lots of grammar errors, and a pretty long entry is below
Well, tonight is Friday night, The first Friday Night I had to work in about two months now. Tonight, at work it wasn't that bad, wasn't great but wasn't bad. I did however have the thought of Jen crossing my mind several times tonight, however. It was weird because it came out of no where but I will get into that later.
So my first week of work and school has ended. The outcome? I like all my classes at school this semester except for the Religion course for two reasons one, I hate religion and two, the class is at 7am and I leave here around 5:30am and still barely make it to class in time because there is bumper to bumper traffic. Anyway, other than that school is cool, I feel I will actually have to apply myself this semester. Philosophy and Religion are going to require a lot of reading and thinking. In terms of my job, I am not fond of it but I could deal with it. The people I work with are as phony as a fake hundred dollar bill but its tolerable I guess. I went to best buy yesterday but of course when I got there they were all at lunch. So I have to go down there I guess on Monday again and see if I can pester the shit out of them for an interview. If worst comes to worst I guess I can stay at Bed, Bath, and Beyond until I go back east in June, July or August since no set month is set yet. The job is so boring. It's like the complete opposite of Blockbuster. You go in and there's nothing to do. You just do busy work. In Blockbuster, I went in everyday with tons of shit to do and the time went by so damn fast because of it. Sure I hated the job because of the stress level and the workload but compared to sitting around for hours with my thumb up my ass, I would prefer to have work to actually do that NEEDS to be done. That's all I am really going to say about that.
So I get my first paycheck on Friday, which wont be much. Do you think I get any of that? Nope, it's time for me to get my shit in order. I have to pay bills first so I have Aaron's to pay which is $103, then $51.17 for the post office for a bounced check, make a payment to my credit card of at least $50 which will probably leave about $80 left of my check for food, gas, and movies for the next two weeks. My other paycheck which I will get on the 25th which will be close to $600, $275 has to go to my car payment, another $65 for Aaron's, $100 has to go towards my rent, and the rest will go towards food, gas, movies and maybe just maybe I can try to save up about $50 bucks each paycheck and start putting away for coming back east but I can't swear on that since problems always arise.
So next week is another week which I am pretty booked solid. I work Sunday 12pm to 8:30pm, Monday 12:30pm to 9:00pm, Wednesday 2:00pm to 10:30pm, & Friday 12:30pm to 9:00pm. I work 32 Hours each week which seems like the pretty set schedule of hours for me. It's a decent paycheck so that's the positive outlook I have about the job. I feel people in that store are very unhappy though. The girl who I work with her name is Brenda and she was talking about quitting soon, the other lady Gloria said she was quitting soon as well, and some other girl I just met today said the same thing. Bed, Bath, and Beyond seems like blockbuster without the workload, very unhappy employees.
So moving on, So while I was at work tonight since I have really nothing work related to think about I started to think about Jen tonight. I don't know where it came from but I just remember how good I felt on Wednesday when she emailed me and then when we talked on the phone she almost started to cry. It really got me that day. It actually stood with me but I been so busy I didn't have time to think about until today when I was just sitting on the floor at work pricing candles. I couldn't help but wonder how she was doing, was she seeing anyone, has she seen anyone other then for a nice dinner or date, has she done anything with anyone else (sexual related ), and most importantly I was thinking what made our relationship not work. So I began to analyze it.
So as I sat there on the floor at Bed, Bath and Beyond, I just dazed off and thought about this. I think it was hard for us to be around each other so much because we weren't used to it which again adds to why the move to California went so bad. We had a problem with being together to much. Maybe I had a problem with it. But anyway that and the struggle with money might have made the outcome so bad. If the whole thing happened in NJ where the costs were down, I doubt it would have turned out as bad as it did. But I do have to admit I miss Jen. There's something wrong with me that I can't move on from this point in time in my life. I just can't help but think that we should be together. You see thinking back on things I miss a lot of things and can see what happened here. OK, let me start by saying Jen always watched TV and I was always on the Internet, OK, that wasn't good and I remember we fought a lot about these things. But I miss being forced to watch TV with her. I mean she made me watch some really bad shows like the Apprentice but it was fun and I had a good time watching it with her even though I made it seem like it was a chore. I just think we both should have tried to make time for each other more and talk about things. Like one night Scott sit down and watch the apprentice with me, and the next night Jen sit down and watch say Arrested Development with me. I think we should have alternated better with both the computer and TV. We should have shared our TV time together and the PC time even yes I do admit now I was on the Internet way to much and I do apologize for that.
But I really miss Jen because of the person she was when she was around me. I miss not having my other half basically. I just don't like many people in this world who I would want more than just a friend because I have high standards and things which seem so normal to so many are not what I think are normal or should happen and Jen was one of the few people who actually stood by that with me. Thinking back both Jen and I shared the problems by each creating half of them. I know I should have budgeted better and made more of an effort to spend time with her. I should have gotten my ass off that damn computer and spent time with her. Its my fault to some degree and I am realizing that now. I also need to learn how curve my anger but I think I am getting better at that now. I haven't felt any violent urges lately to throw things or hit. I think I am growing as a person now and realizing that I made my share of mistakes and if I could correct them I would.
I also think I wanted to much from life before and you can't get everything you want seriously. I mean, Dana what the hell was I thinking? I really don't know but I can't really imagine how bad I made Jen feel at that point. I mean shit, I broke up with her to try to be in a relationship with a drunk alcoholic slut. I mean I don't know what the hell came over me but thinking back on it, it was such a horrible thing to do but I just wish she could forgive me for it. I can't help but think that I might have had the person I loved with me for the past 6 and a half years but just couldn't realize it thinking I could date or be with people who had no interest in me besides being friends. I always used to think like oh I can date someone like Britney Spears but I needed to get a reality check, it's not going to happen, even if I could date someone like that which would be highly unlikely but I probably wouldn't be able to tolerate her after a few days. I mean my idiotic idea to move in with Heather proves the point so well and we aren't even dating or anything. I mean I get very stupid sometimes, I don't think before I act. Jen and I have had a lot of bad times but then we got over them that's what the good thing was about it. We just needed to talk more and express ourselves instead of getting mad at each other and throwing things at each other. We should have just sat down and talked things through and tried to get through them together. I really do miss Jen more than she probably knows because looking back I can't help to think about all the good things we shared together.
What I liked most about when Jen and I were together was that we were ourselves. I liked that the most, we just dressed nice when we had to go somewhere special or when she had to go to work but other than that we just wore what ever we felt like. We didn't do much in terms for fun but the dinner and the movie was the normal thing and we liked it. Trips to Disneyland were also quite enjoyable. We didn't care what other people thought, we didn't worry about having makeup, piercing, and that junk. I miss that stuff now, talking to Jen in Georgia since she got back has been kind of weird for me because one she doesn't seem to care about me at all, of course this is up till the last email I got from her and two she seems to have changed so much. I mean I understand the dieting thing because hey everyone has jumped on that bandwagon except for me of course but I can understand that. But her attitude outside this week towards me has changed, the way she talks has changed, I don't know what the people down there are doing for her but they seem to be completely removing all the Scott out of her. It was hard to say but things she said just seemed to bother me.
However, I really want to get back together with Jen. I however want the regular Jen not the new Jen. I would like to give this another go when I get back east. I think a part of the reason we both failed out here is the reason that we both had such negative vibes before moving out here. Jen's mother and father were clearly opposed to the idea, my mom was too even though after a while she didn't admit it, Mike was as well. I am sorry but if you have a lot of people around you saying your going to fail most of the time, you will fail. It's better to just not talk about something and just do it, take the risk. I don't know what the outcome will be this time around if it happens. I really don't want anyone's advice on it because I already know what the advice is going to be given but I don't want to hear it, I can just place the blame on myself if it doesn't work out and I think that's what I need to do. Of course if this occurs, Jen and I will have to sit down and talk about somethings first like how we can fix the previous problems. Like I said, I am learning to control and express my anger in a nonviolent manner, I am learning when to spend and when not to spend, I am learning and growing more and more each day. We also have to discuss a solution to the huge hatred she has caused about me in Georgia. I don't know how I am going to fix that but as I said when I get back east I am going to work on getting her quite a large sum of the money I owe her from the financial aid so I can get the burden off my chest and she won't have the extra bills to pay. However, like I said, if this relationship does form again then I think she's going to have to say something to all these people about me, I mean everyone in her life already didn't like me normally and since Jen butchered my name even more when she returned, everyone hates me now with a passion. Telling one side of the story isn't the best way to tell a story because someone always looks like the complete asshole or bad guy (me) and the other person looks all innocent (jen) which isn't the case. I cant be around people who can't stand me because that just doesn't feel right and is awkward. I really wish you could just use a memory eraser stick like in Men in Black and wipe everyone's mind clean up to a certain point in time. I also wish I had a time machine to go back and fix all the foolish mistakes I made but its not going to happen but I have to overcome this issue. It's a lot of shit that went through my head while I was at Bed, Bath and Beyond tonight and I even tried to call Jen but of course she didn't answer. So I sent her a text message which I wonder if she got because I never got a response. It's a hard thing to deal with but it's something that I want to deal with and I want to talk about. I needed to express myself tonight and I am glad I did with this entry.
So my first week of work and school has ended. The outcome? I like all my classes at school this semester except for the Religion course for two reasons one, I hate religion and two, the class is at 7am and I leave here around 5:30am and still barely make it to class in time because there is bumper to bumper traffic. Anyway, other than that school is cool, I feel I will actually have to apply myself this semester. Philosophy and Religion are going to require a lot of reading and thinking. In terms of my job, I am not fond of it but I could deal with it. The people I work with are as phony as a fake hundred dollar bill but its tolerable I guess. I went to best buy yesterday but of course when I got there they were all at lunch. So I have to go down there I guess on Monday again and see if I can pester the shit out of them for an interview. If worst comes to worst I guess I can stay at Bed, Bath, and Beyond until I go back east in June, July or August since no set month is set yet. The job is so boring. It's like the complete opposite of Blockbuster. You go in and there's nothing to do. You just do busy work. In Blockbuster, I went in everyday with tons of shit to do and the time went by so damn fast because of it. Sure I hated the job because of the stress level and the workload but compared to sitting around for hours with my thumb up my ass, I would prefer to have work to actually do that NEEDS to be done. That's all I am really going to say about that.
So I get my first paycheck on Friday, which wont be much. Do you think I get any of that? Nope, it's time for me to get my shit in order. I have to pay bills first so I have Aaron's to pay which is $103, then $51.17 for the post office for a bounced check, make a payment to my credit card of at least $50 which will probably leave about $80 left of my check for food, gas, and movies for the next two weeks. My other paycheck which I will get on the 25th which will be close to $600, $275 has to go to my car payment, another $65 for Aaron's, $100 has to go towards my rent, and the rest will go towards food, gas, movies and maybe just maybe I can try to save up about $50 bucks each paycheck and start putting away for coming back east but I can't swear on that since problems always arise.
So next week is another week which I am pretty booked solid. I work Sunday 12pm to 8:30pm, Monday 12:30pm to 9:00pm, Wednesday 2:00pm to 10:30pm, & Friday 12:30pm to 9:00pm. I work 32 Hours each week which seems like the pretty set schedule of hours for me. It's a decent paycheck so that's the positive outlook I have about the job. I feel people in that store are very unhappy though. The girl who I work with her name is Brenda and she was talking about quitting soon, the other lady Gloria said she was quitting soon as well, and some other girl I just met today said the same thing. Bed, Bath, and Beyond seems like blockbuster without the workload, very unhappy employees.
So moving on, So while I was at work tonight since I have really nothing work related to think about I started to think about Jen tonight. I don't know where it came from but I just remember how good I felt on Wednesday when she emailed me and then when we talked on the phone she almost started to cry. It really got me that day. It actually stood with me but I been so busy I didn't have time to think about until today when I was just sitting on the floor at work pricing candles. I couldn't help but wonder how she was doing, was she seeing anyone, has she seen anyone other then for a nice dinner or date, has she done anything with anyone else (sexual related ), and most importantly I was thinking what made our relationship not work. So I began to analyze it.
So as I sat there on the floor at Bed, Bath and Beyond, I just dazed off and thought about this. I think it was hard for us to be around each other so much because we weren't used to it which again adds to why the move to California went so bad. We had a problem with being together to much. Maybe I had a problem with it. But anyway that and the struggle with money might have made the outcome so bad. If the whole thing happened in NJ where the costs were down, I doubt it would have turned out as bad as it did. But I do have to admit I miss Jen. There's something wrong with me that I can't move on from this point in time in my life. I just can't help but think that we should be together. You see thinking back on things I miss a lot of things and can see what happened here. OK, let me start by saying Jen always watched TV and I was always on the Internet, OK, that wasn't good and I remember we fought a lot about these things. But I miss being forced to watch TV with her. I mean she made me watch some really bad shows like the Apprentice but it was fun and I had a good time watching it with her even though I made it seem like it was a chore. I just think we both should have tried to make time for each other more and talk about things. Like one night Scott sit down and watch the apprentice with me, and the next night Jen sit down and watch say Arrested Development with me. I think we should have alternated better with both the computer and TV. We should have shared our TV time together and the PC time even yes I do admit now I was on the Internet way to much and I do apologize for that.
But I really miss Jen because of the person she was when she was around me. I miss not having my other half basically. I just don't like many people in this world who I would want more than just a friend because I have high standards and things which seem so normal to so many are not what I think are normal or should happen and Jen was one of the few people who actually stood by that with me. Thinking back both Jen and I shared the problems by each creating half of them. I know I should have budgeted better and made more of an effort to spend time with her. I should have gotten my ass off that damn computer and spent time with her. Its my fault to some degree and I am realizing that now. I also need to learn how curve my anger but I think I am getting better at that now. I haven't felt any violent urges lately to throw things or hit. I think I am growing as a person now and realizing that I made my share of mistakes and if I could correct them I would.
I also think I wanted to much from life before and you can't get everything you want seriously. I mean, Dana what the hell was I thinking? I really don't know but I can't really imagine how bad I made Jen feel at that point. I mean shit, I broke up with her to try to be in a relationship with a drunk alcoholic slut. I mean I don't know what the hell came over me but thinking back on it, it was such a horrible thing to do but I just wish she could forgive me for it. I can't help but think that I might have had the person I loved with me for the past 6 and a half years but just couldn't realize it thinking I could date or be with people who had no interest in me besides being friends. I always used to think like oh I can date someone like Britney Spears but I needed to get a reality check, it's not going to happen, even if I could date someone like that which would be highly unlikely but I probably wouldn't be able to tolerate her after a few days. I mean my idiotic idea to move in with Heather proves the point so well and we aren't even dating or anything. I mean I get very stupid sometimes, I don't think before I act. Jen and I have had a lot of bad times but then we got over them that's what the good thing was about it. We just needed to talk more and express ourselves instead of getting mad at each other and throwing things at each other. We should have just sat down and talked things through and tried to get through them together. I really do miss Jen more than she probably knows because looking back I can't help to think about all the good things we shared together.
What I liked most about when Jen and I were together was that we were ourselves. I liked that the most, we just dressed nice when we had to go somewhere special or when she had to go to work but other than that we just wore what ever we felt like. We didn't do much in terms for fun but the dinner and the movie was the normal thing and we liked it. Trips to Disneyland were also quite enjoyable. We didn't care what other people thought, we didn't worry about having makeup, piercing, and that junk. I miss that stuff now, talking to Jen in Georgia since she got back has been kind of weird for me because one she doesn't seem to care about me at all, of course this is up till the last email I got from her and two she seems to have changed so much. I mean I understand the dieting thing because hey everyone has jumped on that bandwagon except for me of course but I can understand that. But her attitude outside this week towards me has changed, the way she talks has changed, I don't know what the people down there are doing for her but they seem to be completely removing all the Scott out of her. It was hard to say but things she said just seemed to bother me.
However, I really want to get back together with Jen. I however want the regular Jen not the new Jen. I would like to give this another go when I get back east. I think a part of the reason we both failed out here is the reason that we both had such negative vibes before moving out here. Jen's mother and father were clearly opposed to the idea, my mom was too even though after a while she didn't admit it, Mike was as well. I am sorry but if you have a lot of people around you saying your going to fail most of the time, you will fail. It's better to just not talk about something and just do it, take the risk. I don't know what the outcome will be this time around if it happens. I really don't want anyone's advice on it because I already know what the advice is going to be given but I don't want to hear it, I can just place the blame on myself if it doesn't work out and I think that's what I need to do. Of course if this occurs, Jen and I will have to sit down and talk about somethings first like how we can fix the previous problems. Like I said, I am learning to control and express my anger in a nonviolent manner, I am learning when to spend and when not to spend, I am learning and growing more and more each day. We also have to discuss a solution to the huge hatred she has caused about me in Georgia. I don't know how I am going to fix that but as I said when I get back east I am going to work on getting her quite a large sum of the money I owe her from the financial aid so I can get the burden off my chest and she won't have the extra bills to pay. However, like I said, if this relationship does form again then I think she's going to have to say something to all these people about me, I mean everyone in her life already didn't like me normally and since Jen butchered my name even more when she returned, everyone hates me now with a passion. Telling one side of the story isn't the best way to tell a story because someone always looks like the complete asshole or bad guy (me) and the other person looks all innocent (jen) which isn't the case. I cant be around people who can't stand me because that just doesn't feel right and is awkward. I really wish you could just use a memory eraser stick like in Men in Black and wipe everyone's mind clean up to a certain point in time. I also wish I had a time machine to go back and fix all the foolish mistakes I made but its not going to happen but I have to overcome this issue. It's a lot of shit that went through my head while I was at Bed, Bath and Beyond tonight and I even tried to call Jen but of course she didn't answer. So I sent her a text message which I wonder if she got because I never got a response. It's a hard thing to deal with but it's something that I want to deal with and I want to talk about. I needed to express myself tonight and I am glad I did with this entry.