julie.
dear julie,
we haven't talked for a couple of years, and i regret that so much. you were my childhood buddy. when our parents would get together we'd play for hours and hours. you were only a few years older than me, but that didn't mean that you didn't want to play with me. i looked up to you as a role model. i copied your clothes, the way your wore your hair, and your little quirks you did. we would romp around the house during christmastime, playing with our new toys and talking in our own little imaginary world.
do you remember the little blue table that we used to sit at? it was just our size. "the little kids table" is what the grown-ups would call it. we got to eat christmas and thanksgiving dinner there, and everytime i'd spend the night we'd eat there as well. it was the perfect size for just the two of us. we'd open our birthday presents and christmas presents there, and we'd make arts and crafts on that table. i think your parents got rid of that table once we outgrew it, but i'm not sure.
do you remember at grandma's house, her toy chest? there was all kinds of toys in there. my favorite was mr. potato head. you would always get to play with mr. potato head first, but that was okay with me, as long as you'd still be my friend and play with me i was good. i remember every summer we'd go over to grandma's house and go swimming in her pool. i didn't like going in the deep end because it was 12 feet deep, and i couldn't feel the bottom of the pool with me feet. but you encouraged me and showed me how to swim the right way (since you did do swim classes), and i remember the day i finally touched the bottom of that pool.. with my hand!
i remember when you became a freshman in highschool. you wore a tank top that said "freshwoman" in glitter letters. you got mad at me one day when i opened your school binder and read a few notes from your friends. i was sad that you yelled at me that day, but now that i'm older i totally understand why you were so upset. i remember you telling me about all the cute boys at your high school, and i remember you telling me about your first sexual experiences. i was still in elementary school and junior high, so i had absolutely no idea what you were talking about, but it seemed so cool that you were maturing so fast and it was so cool to know someone in highschool at my age.
after my parents divorced i didn't talk to you anymore. i never saw you anymore. i was too wrapped up in the turmoil that was happening around me. and then i went to highschool and experienced all the same things you were telling me about. i thought about you every single thanksgiving and christmas. i knew that by the time i was a senior in high school you had started your life out. from what i was told you were doing okay. i still wondered about you a lot. what color was your hair now? was it blonde or was it brown? what did you do for fun? where did you work?
i made plans in my mind that we'd run into each other someday. i remember the day that jessica messaged me on myspace and i was so overjoyed to have heard from you guys, but mostly you. i missed you so much. i decided last year when i was 19 that i was going to get in contact with you but i never did. i hope you forgive me.
today i was told that you overdosed on oxycontin and that you are dead. it took me a few good minutes to process what i had just heard. seriously? did that really happen? you weren't dating someone who was your future dream husband like you said you were going to when we were little. i know he wasn't right for you because if he was, he wouldn't let you overdose on oxycontin, or even get near anything that could potentially kill you. i haven't talked to you in years, but i really hope that your life wasn't so hard that you had to resort to the fake euphoric dreamland that people escape to when they do drugs. but i guess it was, for you. i have been thinking all today that maybe if i had been in your life you wouldn't have had to resort to things like this. that this wouldn't have happened if we were still inseperable. but i know that isn't the right way to think, because everyone has a life lesson to learn while they are here on earth. i guess this one was yours.
i don't want you to be gone. i can't believe that my childhood idol is gone. you are gone julie. you died in your sleep. i wonder what you were dreaming before you died. were you dreaming about your childhood? did you dream about when we went on vacation to colorado and we went horseback riding? did you dream about the time we went camping by the lake? i don't want you to be gone, julie.
i don't want you to be gone. just please come back and i promise we will hang out and catch up on old times. you can tell me everything that is bothering you and i will listen. i won't even say anything if you don't want me to. i will help you get out of drug abuse. why? because i love you. please come back. i promise to forgive you about that time you stole my allowance off my dresser. i promise to forgive you about the time you told me santa clause wasn't real. i promise to forgive you for all the faults that you ever had, all the mistkes you ever made, all the things you said that hurt my feelings when i was little. i promise.
i'll even let you have the last slice of chocolate cake. i'll even let you have my slice of chocolate cake if it could just bring you back to me.
but you won't come back.
you won't come back.
we haven't talked for a couple of years, and i regret that so much. you were my childhood buddy. when our parents would get together we'd play for hours and hours. you were only a few years older than me, but that didn't mean that you didn't want to play with me. i looked up to you as a role model. i copied your clothes, the way your wore your hair, and your little quirks you did. we would romp around the house during christmastime, playing with our new toys and talking in our own little imaginary world.
do you remember the little blue table that we used to sit at? it was just our size. "the little kids table" is what the grown-ups would call it. we got to eat christmas and thanksgiving dinner there, and everytime i'd spend the night we'd eat there as well. it was the perfect size for just the two of us. we'd open our birthday presents and christmas presents there, and we'd make arts and crafts on that table. i think your parents got rid of that table once we outgrew it, but i'm not sure.
do you remember at grandma's house, her toy chest? there was all kinds of toys in there. my favorite was mr. potato head. you would always get to play with mr. potato head first, but that was okay with me, as long as you'd still be my friend and play with me i was good. i remember every summer we'd go over to grandma's house and go swimming in her pool. i didn't like going in the deep end because it was 12 feet deep, and i couldn't feel the bottom of the pool with me feet. but you encouraged me and showed me how to swim the right way (since you did do swim classes), and i remember the day i finally touched the bottom of that pool.. with my hand!
i remember when you became a freshman in highschool. you wore a tank top that said "freshwoman" in glitter letters. you got mad at me one day when i opened your school binder and read a few notes from your friends. i was sad that you yelled at me that day, but now that i'm older i totally understand why you were so upset. i remember you telling me about all the cute boys at your high school, and i remember you telling me about your first sexual experiences. i was still in elementary school and junior high, so i had absolutely no idea what you were talking about, but it seemed so cool that you were maturing so fast and it was so cool to know someone in highschool at my age.
after my parents divorced i didn't talk to you anymore. i never saw you anymore. i was too wrapped up in the turmoil that was happening around me. and then i went to highschool and experienced all the same things you were telling me about. i thought about you every single thanksgiving and christmas. i knew that by the time i was a senior in high school you had started your life out. from what i was told you were doing okay. i still wondered about you a lot. what color was your hair now? was it blonde or was it brown? what did you do for fun? where did you work?
i made plans in my mind that we'd run into each other someday. i remember the day that jessica messaged me on myspace and i was so overjoyed to have heard from you guys, but mostly you. i missed you so much. i decided last year when i was 19 that i was going to get in contact with you but i never did. i hope you forgive me.
today i was told that you overdosed on oxycontin and that you are dead. it took me a few good minutes to process what i had just heard. seriously? did that really happen? you weren't dating someone who was your future dream husband like you said you were going to when we were little. i know he wasn't right for you because if he was, he wouldn't let you overdose on oxycontin, or even get near anything that could potentially kill you. i haven't talked to you in years, but i really hope that your life wasn't so hard that you had to resort to the fake euphoric dreamland that people escape to when they do drugs. but i guess it was, for you. i have been thinking all today that maybe if i had been in your life you wouldn't have had to resort to things like this. that this wouldn't have happened if we were still inseperable. but i know that isn't the right way to think, because everyone has a life lesson to learn while they are here on earth. i guess this one was yours.
i don't want you to be gone. i can't believe that my childhood idol is gone. you are gone julie. you died in your sleep. i wonder what you were dreaming before you died. were you dreaming about your childhood? did you dream about when we went on vacation to colorado and we went horseback riding? did you dream about the time we went camping by the lake? i don't want you to be gone, julie.
i don't want you to be gone. just please come back and i promise we will hang out and catch up on old times. you can tell me everything that is bothering you and i will listen. i won't even say anything if you don't want me to. i will help you get out of drug abuse. why? because i love you. please come back. i promise to forgive you about that time you stole my allowance off my dresser. i promise to forgive you about the time you told me santa clause wasn't real. i promise to forgive you for all the faults that you ever had, all the mistkes you ever made, all the things you said that hurt my feelings when i was little. i promise.
i'll even let you have the last slice of chocolate cake. i'll even let you have my slice of chocolate cake if it could just bring you back to me.
but you won't come back.
you won't come back.