Scars [/Slash<>Pones+Pudd/] Ch.1
Title:Scars
Author: Sam [ghost]
Rating: eh 15+ to be safe, if it gets any higher I'll warn you before hand.
Warning: This is a slash so you know it's Man smexx. And there's bad language as well.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of McFly or there sexuality's
Ch.1
Dear diary
The sun shines outside. So brightly it hurts my eyes. I haven't seen day light in what seems like weeks.
I've locked my self in my room since you left. I can hardly breath. I'm so weak. My brother Tom, yes tom the prick who hates me, Is outside my door sleeping. He's been there for a while. Three days if i think back correctly.
My hands are shaking i keep dropping the small pencil that i'm writing with.
I want to sleep, sleep until i'm dead and forgotten.
Knowing that if i sleep I'll get to see your face, this makes me determined to sleep. So i snuck out of my room yesterday. Out my window i ran to the nearest all night drug store and bot some pills.
I don't know how many I've took but i can hardly focus.
The floor beneath me feels like water, i keep falling. I'm scared.
Dear diary
I thought you would come back. I prayed every night all the way in to the early mornings.
I'm still in my room. Tom's tried breaking in. I hear my mum crying at night now.
I've realised some things about my self recently.
I'm someone who never See's the sun and never listens to anything but shuts them self away. I'm someone who cant be loved and must be forgotten.
Maybe one day I'll get my wish, my death wish.
I need you please come back.
Dear diary
I never sleep at night, no matter how many pills i take. I cant breath properly now.
It's lack of food, lack of hope, lack of love and of soul.
I'm nothing.
How stupid am i, i'm now beginning to think you wont come back ever. But you said you loved me. That you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me.
Dear diary.
I heard a man come into my home today. His soft whispers woke me from my sleep. He was very polite and i heard his soft calm tone trying to comfort my mum who was practly breaking down.
I'm shaking, i cant stay still. I've tried lying down, I'm actually lying down right now. Nothings working. The drugs are hurting my stomach traveling like poison through my limp body. I feel them but if there in me why aren't they working. I'm never sleeping or always sleeping. I cant make my mind up it's too hard. I don't know if i'm awake or asleep, alive or dead.
Well with out you i'm dead anyway.
You've been gone 5 mouths now and i'm still in my room, never leaving in case you come back.
I miss you, please come back..
Dear diary
For the first time ever i heard my brother cry.
I've never heard him cry before.
He was always the strong one. Who the hell am i kidding he's still the strong one.
But today was the first I've ever heard tom cry.
He has our mum to cry with.
But me i cry alone and I'll die alone.
Dear diary.I'm in the hospital. Yesterday the man with the calm voice came back with some of his friends from the hospital.
They broke into my room and picked my limp, pathetic, shaking body from my messy bed.
I'm happy they did cause yesterday i couldn't breath i was pressing on my chest. Forcing my lungs to inhale some air.
It hurt
The room they put me in is very soft.
I know you would have liked it.
You would smile and you're soft curls would dance across your freckled face as you jumped about the room.
Please come, i'm alone.
Don't let me die alone.
Dear diary
Help me, please come back.
I'm scared.
I cant see you in my dreams anymore.
I cant find you.
Please i'm lost.
They keep giving me all different pills.
I think there the problem, the reason i cant see you in my dreams.
So i stopped taking them.
But now they force me.
It hurts, there hurting me.
Many bruises in the shape of there hand prints lay scattered across my arms and legs.
No one cares if they hurt me. You don't care either you've proved it.
I HATE YOU
YOU LEFT ME...
Dear diary
I'm out of hospital. Still on fucking meds.
As soon as i got out i practly screamed inside.
I could hurt my self out here.
I didn't trust myself without someone watching over me.
Like the guards at the hospital.
They kept me safe. But sometimes they hurt me.
Not because i did anything, i don't think.
But just for fun.
I can still hear there laughing in my head as they striped me.
God it hurts.
They treated me bad.
But i deserved all of it.
To be stepped on, battered & humiliated.
So here i am back in my old room. Alone.
Sorry about the pages. I've wrecked them with my blood.
I cut myself. It feels good but i keep my scars hidden. I don't think of it as self harm it's more like my own personal punishment for being alive. I'm a waste i should be dead.
Just for the record i hate you still.
I hate you more actually.
You left me to die.
So this is my death wish
I've seen so many things & in all my life i've never been so scared. Never felt my heart race, never felt it break.
Safe behind the wall i built until your broke it down. Setting danger the day i screamed freedom and landed in you arms. My past scares me the most, cause it's seems your goal was not save me. You broke into me and let my heart out just to kill me. I was safe yet alone in my world, when you came you pulled me into reality, i was free.
But it's all ended so very badly. My fairytale ended and life drew dull. Standing by the door i stare out on to the street the cold air touching my skin. Rain present and cold kept falling from the electric sky above which grew darker as a new storm was born . Breathing out as footsteps come down the staircase behind me i tilt my head slightly. "Dougie c'mon" the voice bores. Tom places his hand on my left shoulder handing my school bag into my right hand. Slipping the half empty bag up to my shoulder i begin to walk out when my brother pulls me back in the house. "What tom, what" i broke, my throat burned by my words, i held back the sensation and board at him. "e-hh" Tom stared at me mouth slightly open his brown eyes alive and wild. "What, tom" I choke quietly, my throat still alight and sore, bowing my head i stare to the floorboards. "It's just you've not spoken in li-k-e, t-his is the first time i've heard you speak in a l-ong tim-e." He whispers, his voice low but strung together perfectly. I look up. Tom tries to smile after his words run out but even i can see he struggles. No one has looked at me the same for a while. Alan my stepfather left, my mother is sacred of me, her hatred screams fear each time i see her. Angie, my poor Angie, is gone she couldn't take any of it, the poor soul, she gave up at the start. And well tom he had no choice he's my brother he fought to stay. He held my hand during the long nights, came to see me even when Roseann my own mother sent me miles away & banned him from visiting. After a quick silence his smile becomes real, i begin to see hope in his eye's. Tom unlike many others still holds faith, while me, i hold a razor.
Under my wrist band i feels the cuts nipping away, still alive from when i opened them last night. Where's my razor, it's in my pocket in case i need it today. Safe in side my zipped pocket for my first day back at school. I've got a very strong feeling I'll need it.