Allons-y Alonso!
I have been informed by many of my friends, and for many different reasons, that it would be worth my while to read Twilight, the first of Stephenie Meyer's books, which is precisely what I have spent the past few hours doing while I wait for vea to return from the evil employers who made her work this weekend. And oh, I'm so glad I did! So very, very glad. I don't think I've laughed so much reading a book since I first read Adrian Mole, although Adrian Mole differs from Twilight in that Sue Townsend intends to make her readers laugh. Oops.
I honestly don't know what amused me most about the book. Maybe it's the childish, amateurish way in which Meyer feels compelled to describe and detail every inch of Bella's surroundings, from the clothes she wears to the way she prepares her enchiladas. Excellent prose, I must say. I love how some words, such as 'glare' and 'icy', were overused to the point where they started to seem unusual to me in the way that any word does if you stare at it too much or pronounce it repeatedly. I love the dialogue equally. "I love you!" "Be with me!!" "Actually, no, fuck off!" "You can't ask a question because I want to ask a question!" "Ask me a question!" "You hang up." "No, you hang up!" "Let me remind you over and over how much I love you so that loads of fangirls can love me in turn and be really jealous!" "Let's rehash the same subject over and over and over because it makes me feel so passionate!" "I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic?" Oh, sorry, that's Britney Spears.
A few of my favourite extracts are as follows:
- But I could see the sacrifice in her eyes behind the promise.
Some Optrex would sort that out, you know.
- I love you more than everything else in the world combined.
Wow. Even glaring?
- And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...
David Attenborough is going to go fucking insane!
- And when it rains, the sound makes you restless.
Now go to the kitchen and make me a sandwich!
Maybe it was the content of the story itself. Ooh, she's dazzled by this boy. Ooh, he's dazzled by her. Ooh, he wants to kill her but he's fighting it so hard. Ooh, she inspires a song. Ooh, he takes her to prom. Ooh, he sparkles, yes, sparkles, in the sunlight. Ooh, but he loves her sooooo much! She loves him! She'd rather die than be away from him, even if being with him means dying! How lovely, how original, how wonderfully awe-inspiring! How jealous I am of Bella and her possessive boyfriend who likes to break into her house and watch her sleeping. Isn't that what we all want? And the plot, nonexistent until the book was nearly finished and then being tossed into our faces with an overused hostage situation, creepy phone calls and trite villains. I was hanging on the edge of my seat the whole time! What a twist! Who knew that was coming?!
Maybe it was the characters. Oh, isn't Meyer just brilliant with her characterization? Gasp in amazement as she introduces us to Isabella Swan, a girl with such an unusual name, a name that contrasts sharply to the commonplace names of her friends! Could Meyer possibly be trying to indicate to us that Isabella Swan, with her oh so special name, is different to all the other people? My, but she is! What genius! How would a Jessica or a Mike or an Eric compare to an Isabella Swan?! We must all envy Bella because she is so special! All the boys fancy her! She can resist Edward's vampire mind-reading powers! She thinks in a way that is different to the rest of us! Why would any other human spend so much time whining about the lousy weather or lamenting her physical shortcomings? Wow, Bella is just awesome. Of course we should all love her.
And Edward Cullen, eh? Oh mama. He's super sexy, he's super strong, he's super fast, he's... oh wait, I forgot he didn't have a personality. However, he's, like, really hot, so who cares that he's got nothing but air between his ears? I sure don't! Obviously he deserves a spot up there with the rest of the greatest fictional heroes ever, like Hamlet, or Harry Potter, or the Doctor. I can't imagine why Robert Pattinson seems embarrassed to be playing him!
Oh yes, yes indeedy, reading Twilight did me the world of good. You see, arrogant as this may sound, I am a better writer than Stephenie Meyer. In fact, many of us, most of us, are better writers than Stephenie Meyer. Cherishing the dream to one day become a published author as I do, Twilight gives me such peace of mind, because I know that if a book such as this, with its one-dimensional characters, weak plot and mind-numbingly, excruciatingly dull prose, can actually find a publisher and even become a best seller, then surely I will one day find a publisher too. Huzzah for books that make you feel superior!
I will conclude with a small summary of Twilight, and what exactly I think it means to me.
Mentally impaired girl meets super hot boy. Boy likes girls' perfume. Boy is blood-sucking vampire. Girl too desperate to care. She wants his icy lips. True love ensues. Stephenie Meyer desperately unhappy due to boring mother-of-three existence and lack of sex in marriage, and wishes something like this would happen to her. The end.
In other news, I dislocated my ankle and I can no longer walk without using vea as a human crutch (she can take it). I wish there was an interesting story behind this, but it is merely due to a mini-golf accident in which I jumped on a rock too heavily in order to avoid vea's ball, twisted around on one foot and fell over. My right ankle sadly suffered significant damage. It was well funny, though. Also funny that the doctor gave me a splint designed for the left ankle. Obviously this has come about as a result of psychic Twilight-fangirl hate vibes that have been directed at me for daring to dislike the book. I am a bad person.
Doctor Who is my new favourite television show. David Tennant is my hero. My hilarious, badass, foxy hero. Love the Doctor. Love him as much as James, even. They should team up and fight crime. Yummy.
I honestly don't know what amused me most about the book. Maybe it's the childish, amateurish way in which Meyer feels compelled to describe and detail every inch of Bella's surroundings, from the clothes she wears to the way she prepares her enchiladas. Excellent prose, I must say. I love how some words, such as 'glare' and 'icy', were overused to the point where they started to seem unusual to me in the way that any word does if you stare at it too much or pronounce it repeatedly. I love the dialogue equally. "I love you!" "Be with me!!" "Actually, no, fuck off!" "You can't ask a question because I want to ask a question!" "Ask me a question!" "You hang up." "No, you hang up!" "Let me remind you over and over how much I love you so that loads of fangirls can love me in turn and be really jealous!" "Let's rehash the same subject over and over and over because it makes me feel so passionate!" "I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic?" Oh, sorry, that's Britney Spears.
A few of my favourite extracts are as follows:
- But I could see the sacrifice in her eyes behind the promise.
Some Optrex would sort that out, you know.
- I love you more than everything else in the world combined.
Wow. Even glaring?
- And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...
David Attenborough is going to go fucking insane!
- And when it rains, the sound makes you restless.
Now go to the kitchen and make me a sandwich!
Maybe it was the content of the story itself. Ooh, she's dazzled by this boy. Ooh, he's dazzled by her. Ooh, he wants to kill her but he's fighting it so hard. Ooh, she inspires a song. Ooh, he takes her to prom. Ooh, he sparkles, yes, sparkles, in the sunlight. Ooh, but he loves her sooooo much! She loves him! She'd rather die than be away from him, even if being with him means dying! How lovely, how original, how wonderfully awe-inspiring! How jealous I am of Bella and her possessive boyfriend who likes to break into her house and watch her sleeping. Isn't that what we all want? And the plot, nonexistent until the book was nearly finished and then being tossed into our faces with an overused hostage situation, creepy phone calls and trite villains. I was hanging on the edge of my seat the whole time! What a twist! Who knew that was coming?!
Maybe it was the characters. Oh, isn't Meyer just brilliant with her characterization? Gasp in amazement as she introduces us to Isabella Swan, a girl with such an unusual name, a name that contrasts sharply to the commonplace names of her friends! Could Meyer possibly be trying to indicate to us that Isabella Swan, with her oh so special name, is different to all the other people? My, but she is! What genius! How would a Jessica or a Mike or an Eric compare to an Isabella Swan?! We must all envy Bella because she is so special! All the boys fancy her! She can resist Edward's vampire mind-reading powers! She thinks in a way that is different to the rest of us! Why would any other human spend so much time whining about the lousy weather or lamenting her physical shortcomings? Wow, Bella is just awesome. Of course we should all love her.
And Edward Cullen, eh? Oh mama. He's super sexy, he's super strong, he's super fast, he's... oh wait, I forgot he didn't have a personality. However, he's, like, really hot, so who cares that he's got nothing but air between his ears? I sure don't! Obviously he deserves a spot up there with the rest of the greatest fictional heroes ever, like Hamlet, or Harry Potter, or the Doctor. I can't imagine why Robert Pattinson seems embarrassed to be playing him!
Oh yes, yes indeedy, reading Twilight did me the world of good. You see, arrogant as this may sound, I am a better writer than Stephenie Meyer. In fact, many of us, most of us, are better writers than Stephenie Meyer. Cherishing the dream to one day become a published author as I do, Twilight gives me such peace of mind, because I know that if a book such as this, with its one-dimensional characters, weak plot and mind-numbingly, excruciatingly dull prose, can actually find a publisher and even become a best seller, then surely I will one day find a publisher too. Huzzah for books that make you feel superior!
I will conclude with a small summary of Twilight, and what exactly I think it means to me.
Mentally impaired girl meets super hot boy. Boy likes girls' perfume. Boy is blood-sucking vampire. Girl too desperate to care. She wants his icy lips. True love ensues. Stephenie Meyer desperately unhappy due to boring mother-of-three existence and lack of sex in marriage, and wishes something like this would happen to her. The end.
In other news, I dislocated my ankle and I can no longer walk without using vea as a human crutch (she can take it). I wish there was an interesting story behind this, but it is merely due to a mini-golf accident in which I jumped on a rock too heavily in order to avoid vea's ball, twisted around on one foot and fell over. My right ankle sadly suffered significant damage. It was well funny, though. Also funny that the doctor gave me a splint designed for the left ankle. Obviously this has come about as a result of psychic Twilight-fangirl hate vibes that have been directed at me for daring to dislike the book. I am a bad person.
Doctor Who is my new favourite television show. David Tennant is my hero. My hilarious, badass, foxy hero. Love the Doctor. Love him as much as James, even. They should team up and fight crime. Yummy.