i'll never get out of these blues alive.
i'm fine.
i move aimlessly between the desire to do this on my own and between humility. the pride i can find in my parents. how my mother talks about getting by without that much help from the government, than while others ask for more, she won't beg for it. she'll be damned if she gets on her knees for anything.
and the words of my dad who told me he was disappointed in hearing i'd be "siphoning off my friends." At that moment i made my decision.
And i appreciate the concern but i am fine and none of this bothers me at all.
the only thing i'm truly worried about is if i'll be able to find a job. because that's the only thing i think might need help with. but we'll see.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GOCAC8FCqE&mode=related&search=
looking at the responses on some people's faces when i tell them i have no place to live (apparently "where do you live?" is a much more frequent question than i expected) is something more troublesome than actually sleeping outside. Some seem almost disturbed by this. I am happy when they respond with laughter. The happiness fades when some of them realize i'm serious.
And if you planned on offering me a play to stay, i appreciate the extension but no. At least for now. Though a place to put my bags would be lovely... JOHN.
and if you planned to convince me this is a bad idea, chances are i already know the argument and have created many of my own.
sometimes i think of the buddhists who spend their lives begging for food. Humility is a consequence.
more than pride is the fear that relationships will grown thin if i take without giving and currently i have little to give.
i'd rather lose friends from not taking showers than from taking them at their places.
But, for emphasis, i'm more than fine.
This feeling, in part, belongs to the fact that i realize in some way, that many found situations which would destroy me and survive. This is nothing. Listen to Tupelo. I was caught in no flood. I escaped before it came.
Reading Langdon Winner, this morning i thought about the impact the room has on our lives.
It's container most of us spend most our lives in. When i step into a room i feel a change occurring. The ground has moved.
Certain energies are amplified. Certain energies are obsoleted. Certain energies are retrieved. And if one spend enough time in a room, the politics can near reverse.
Outside, things are different and i am affected by this difference. I try to remember what Rosi Braidotti on the nomadic style, how she addressed the death of the subject... Donna Haraway on the persistance of vision... what did she say? what did she say? Zoe Sofia on container technologies...
but i guess the effect of what was said has become more important that the actual message... as usual. as always.
and i remember thinking that if the room has such an impact on our lives, that our containers contain us... if it is an extension of the womb what is gestating? if it is an extension of the stomach, what is being digested?
things are centralized in rooms. vision is restricted to more immediate things. sound is echoed when it's immediate and hidden when it is far.
there is no consistent inside/outside split for the nomad.
embodied vision, situated knowledge... that's what they spoke of. Realizing that the eyes are anything but passive.
I am realizing that the idea of passivity is an illusion.
Everything is active.
I think about the body. And what input it must give us... even when we are not aware. The ground that we find ourselves in.
Rising figures come from grounds. the branches of a tree sometimes reflect the shape of its roots.
(just cause you don't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there)
and i've been thinking about gender as an artifact lately.
there exists many dialogues ignored.
As Marshall McLuhan said: "A border is not a connection but an interval of resonance.
We do not see magnetic fields. We can't even touch them.
And thinking about the self... that it has no essential pieces, though often it is assumed to have a central processing unit which we spend years locating, trying to bring it to optimization. But it has no cardinal center, but many centers and being man places at once it is in a sense no where. It is in a sense non-existent.
...
i don't know what i'm talking about.
Fusion is a bad method of positioning. I used to think fusion was the answer. What a horrible thing fusion can be! consumption, obliteration.
bah.
i've been sitting at the computer too long and it affects how i think.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgQudd8zBSc&mode=related&search=
Some trains run so fast the hobos won't fool with it.
the library is closing. there is a light grey against the window: it rained not too long ago. I am cold. three bags beside me. i will have to carry them somewhere.
I think of her. and then... with her, understand... i am free.
i am open.
it is how i want to live.
in my body.
that becomes a net.
that lets go sometimes of its own gravity and centralized origin myths
and becomes an inter-net.
simply become opening and closing is something the ocean is still trying to discover instead of undulating, endlessly. It is something the sky knows. The sky we cannot locate. The sky that isn't there.
if there was something else i wanted to say, it's not as important