(no subject)
So Viv, what is up with your brain? You're totally self conscience about how other people see you as a person, yet all you do is make lame jokes and poke fun at yourself and other people. You fake-complain loudly about stuff you absolutely love, and laugh at pretty much everything. You're teasing people too often lately. Why?
I know you want to be more assertive and confident in yourself & your friendships, but what if your friends start to think you are being serious? If they don't see it the same way you do? Are you just being paranoid? Worried about losing your friends? No, more so, worried that your friends won't realize how much you value them? You know you don't like to offend people, so why are you horsing around so much with their feelings? Are they okay with this?
*sigh* Your world is one full of pointless anxiety and questioning. Yes, to be yourself you must always question who you are, but this is ridiculous. You tease yourself more to make the other people you joke with realize you're only kidding, but they might not see that. Maybe you're just being alienating when you're trying to be friendly. Does anyone else besides you even care about this? Probably not, but on the off chance that they do, you want to change how you act toward them. Maybe you're just a shitty friend and you're trying to make up for it by feeling bad. You'd like to think you're a good friend, but you can't really know because you don't see yourself from the outside. You already know your own intentions and thoughts, while others are pretty much in the dark.
On the other hand, what if no one has a problem with it and you just want to beat yourself up over nothing because you're so used to having important people abandon you? Are you afraid you'll turn out being an abandoner as well? What if it's not an issue at all? Why do this to yourself? Does everyone second guess every word, thought, and action they have? Is that even healthy? I suppose it could even be considered unhealthy if you didn't test your own motives.
Your brain is full of all these mixed ideas and feelings and you know you just can't handle it, no matter how hard you try to. You don't even have the balls to call a Dr and tell him/her you have a problem and would like some help with it so you can get on with your fucking life without having to freak out over every, little, insignificant detail. You worry that you're trying to fix this by taking a mind altering medicine. That that's a cop-out. You should, after all, be able to handle life on your own will power.
You question what you eat, what you wear, how you talk to your peers, if you're using the correct body language, whether or not you have the correct amount of eye contact with people, how long you sleep, how much you workout, what you watch on tv, how many video-games you play, how much time you spend online, whether or not you believe in an afterlife, if you even should believe in an afterlife, how you feel about the government, if you give your own religion the right amount of respect, if you show enough care for your boyfriend, if you should talk more to your family despite how they treated you, if you spend too much money, if you sit up straight, if you overreact, if you lash out at people, if your sex drive going down means there is something very wrong with you, pretty much everything.
The only things you ARE certain about are:
You believe that there is life out in the vastness of space somewhere, & that our souls may very well jump to different worlds once we expire on this one.
You love people, but are afraid to (for being hurt).
You are desperately afraid of hurting others and will sacrifice your own feelings for theirs.
You have terrible anxiety and need to fix that.
You've been trying to listen to yourself more and you're worried that it's turning you into an asshole, because listening to yourself means that other people aren't ruling your actions, and that is what you're comfortable with.
You are so conflicted about everything you do and feel. At least you don't sleep it off like you used to. Now if you could just stand up to yourself and say, "I feel like doing ___ and I know I can do this on my own without hurting someone." You need to set yourself free from your own mind, Viv. This is killing you inside. Just freakin' do it already. Take action. Be fearless!! You know you want to sooo badly.
I know you want to be more assertive and confident in yourself & your friendships, but what if your friends start to think you are being serious? If they don't see it the same way you do? Are you just being paranoid? Worried about losing your friends? No, more so, worried that your friends won't realize how much you value them? You know you don't like to offend people, so why are you horsing around so much with their feelings? Are they okay with this?
*sigh* Your world is one full of pointless anxiety and questioning. Yes, to be yourself you must always question who you are, but this is ridiculous. You tease yourself more to make the other people you joke with realize you're only kidding, but they might not see that. Maybe you're just being alienating when you're trying to be friendly. Does anyone else besides you even care about this? Probably not, but on the off chance that they do, you want to change how you act toward them. Maybe you're just a shitty friend and you're trying to make up for it by feeling bad. You'd like to think you're a good friend, but you can't really know because you don't see yourself from the outside. You already know your own intentions and thoughts, while others are pretty much in the dark.
On the other hand, what if no one has a problem with it and you just want to beat yourself up over nothing because you're so used to having important people abandon you? Are you afraid you'll turn out being an abandoner as well? What if it's not an issue at all? Why do this to yourself? Does everyone second guess every word, thought, and action they have? Is that even healthy? I suppose it could even be considered unhealthy if you didn't test your own motives.
Your brain is full of all these mixed ideas and feelings and you know you just can't handle it, no matter how hard you try to. You don't even have the balls to call a Dr and tell him/her you have a problem and would like some help with it so you can get on with your fucking life without having to freak out over every, little, insignificant detail. You worry that you're trying to fix this by taking a mind altering medicine. That that's a cop-out. You should, after all, be able to handle life on your own will power.
You question what you eat, what you wear, how you talk to your peers, if you're using the correct body language, whether or not you have the correct amount of eye contact with people, how long you sleep, how much you workout, what you watch on tv, how many video-games you play, how much time you spend online, whether or not you believe in an afterlife, if you even should believe in an afterlife, how you feel about the government, if you give your own religion the right amount of respect, if you show enough care for your boyfriend, if you should talk more to your family despite how they treated you, if you spend too much money, if you sit up straight, if you overreact, if you lash out at people, if your sex drive going down means there is something very wrong with you, pretty much everything.
The only things you ARE certain about are:
You believe that there is life out in the vastness of space somewhere, & that our souls may very well jump to different worlds once we expire on this one.
You love people, but are afraid to (for being hurt).
You are desperately afraid of hurting others and will sacrifice your own feelings for theirs.
You have terrible anxiety and need to fix that.
You've been trying to listen to yourself more and you're worried that it's turning you into an asshole, because listening to yourself means that other people aren't ruling your actions, and that is what you're comfortable with.
You are so conflicted about everything you do and feel. At least you don't sleep it off like you used to. Now if you could just stand up to yourself and say, "I feel like doing ___ and I know I can do this on my own without hurting someone." You need to set yourself free from your own mind, Viv. This is killing you inside. Just freakin' do it already. Take action. Be fearless!! You know you want to sooo badly.