(no subject)
So, I've been trying to work through things and I've made a pretty large step (in my mind at least). Hopefully soon I'll start feeling better. I've been just going crazy for a while now, so I need to make a choice. I would like to get some anxiety medication. Not being able to stand up and handle stressful situations without freaking out has taken its toll on me. I'm tired of it. It is time to fix myself.
Stress levels should not be this high all the time. It makes one physically ill.
I'm going to take Peter's advice. Maybe Linda can help.
Also, I need to spend more time with Jessica. She's off for a while, so it should be easier now. I'm not sure if I'm going to keep up with trying to learn programming. It's interesting, but... right now I have been pushing myself to do too many things at once and with how I am that's not a good idea. Since I care less about programing than I do painting, sewing, cooking, video-games, learning Spanish, or reading...well, it is at the bottom of my list. Does this mean I'll stop going to Peter's house on Wednesdays? I don't know. I'd like to keep going to hang out with him.
My book club starts this weekend, along with kickball and UFC. It should be fun.
Heh. I feel totally worn out. Seeing as how I don't run away from my problems, although sometimes I consider it (though I never could live with myself if I did), my anxiety has been pretty bad recently. I haven't had a big attack in a while, just little ones. Still, I'm worried a big one will come soon, which makes me anxious about being anxious and so on.... I think I might have to spend some time soon with just no one. Just stay at home (and work) and just paint and sing and get it all out of me.
Thoughts can be liberating, but there are also poison thoughts. If you don't purge your poison then it will harm you. Maybe even permanently. I need to make some books soon. Finish the one about Perry. *sigh* I set my personal standards for myself way too high. I expect so much of myself and if it ever occurs that I can't live up to my own expectations then I feel like a complete asshole/failure.
I'm not sure why I'm like this. These values weren't instilled in me by my parents, nor my teachers. (Who thought I wanted to blow up the school and was a manipulative deviant) Did I learn this from television? Books? Observations of other people? Maybe some people are born with a moral compass? Heh, I've been around enough children to know that some do punish themselves for bad actions. Even if their parents don't care. One girl, Olivia, was watching me punish another child for something she did. She starting crying loudly and said "Noooo, please don't be mad at Izzy, it was me. I'm sorry. I was just scared you'd be mad at me." Then she clamped onto me and wept for a good 5 minutes.
I was like that. Hehe.
Oh well. Things happen and things change. It all goes on and on 'till the end of the earth.
E
Stress levels should not be this high all the time. It makes one physically ill.
I'm going to take Peter's advice. Maybe Linda can help.
Also, I need to spend more time with Jessica. She's off for a while, so it should be easier now. I'm not sure if I'm going to keep up with trying to learn programming. It's interesting, but... right now I have been pushing myself to do too many things at once and with how I am that's not a good idea. Since I care less about programing than I do painting, sewing, cooking, video-games, learning Spanish, or reading...well, it is at the bottom of my list. Does this mean I'll stop going to Peter's house on Wednesdays? I don't know. I'd like to keep going to hang out with him.
My book club starts this weekend, along with kickball and UFC. It should be fun.
Heh. I feel totally worn out. Seeing as how I don't run away from my problems, although sometimes I consider it (though I never could live with myself if I did), my anxiety has been pretty bad recently. I haven't had a big attack in a while, just little ones. Still, I'm worried a big one will come soon, which makes me anxious about being anxious and so on.... I think I might have to spend some time soon with just no one. Just stay at home (and work) and just paint and sing and get it all out of me.
Thoughts can be liberating, but there are also poison thoughts. If you don't purge your poison then it will harm you. Maybe even permanently. I need to make some books soon. Finish the one about Perry. *sigh* I set my personal standards for myself way too high. I expect so much of myself and if it ever occurs that I can't live up to my own expectations then I feel like a complete asshole/failure.
I'm not sure why I'm like this. These values weren't instilled in me by my parents, nor my teachers. (Who thought I wanted to blow up the school and was a manipulative deviant) Did I learn this from television? Books? Observations of other people? Maybe some people are born with a moral compass? Heh, I've been around enough children to know that some do punish themselves for bad actions. Even if their parents don't care. One girl, Olivia, was watching me punish another child for something she did. She starting crying loudly and said "Noooo, please don't be mad at Izzy, it was me. I'm sorry. I was just scared you'd be mad at me." Then she clamped onto me and wept for a good 5 minutes.
I was like that. Hehe.
Oh well. Things happen and things change. It all goes on and on 'till the end of the earth.
E