The grave that you refuse to leave
"I'm not running."
I could still feel his grip on my arms even as I watched the door slam shut behind him in the lobby. Thought about runnin' after him, asking him to stay again. Maybe it was me? Maybe I'd fucked it all up. I was all defensive and now he was leaving. Was it my fault? I'd been ignoring him for days, avoiding him. Only stoppin' long enough for cold frenzied fucking, and then heading off to do something else. Why was I doin' that? I thought maybe he needed space or.....
When did I get like this? When did I start relying on him so damn much? This wasn't me. A few years ago I woulda laughed at this shit. Used to have one philosophy and that was chew and screw so to speak. Now I couldn't even see past Wesley. Fate was a bitch sometimes, and I just got bitchslapped. The biggest mistake ever was me and Wes ever meeting eachother. I mean think about it, all the screwed up shit we ever put eachother through. We just kept screwin' up over and over again too. Like we just couldn't help ourselves. Maybe he was right to walk away, maybe I was just upset cause I hadn't done it first. But when it all came down to it, I'd killed my best friend for him. And he was what I wanted, the one thing I wanted.
I didn't get it. He wasn't the only one around here who'd died. Remember Faith's little trip to Hellsville? I didn't think I could forget about it if I wanted to. I totally flipped when I came back, so Wes and I took off for England. Together. He helped me get through it, and it stung that he didn't want my help.
He didn't want me.
Crossing my arms I was faced with the sudden realization that I'd lost my window of oppurtunity to chase after him. He'd already disappeared by now, and there was no way I'd catch up with him. I had no idea where he was goin', and me? I wasn't a vamp, I didn't have those handy tracking skills. Or maybe I just didn't want it bad enough. Maybe somewhere I knew he was right. My head was swirling with maybes, and I knew if I kept tryin' to think in circles like that I'd just go straight off the deep end.
Thought about runnin'. Without Wes here, Buffy hated me. I didn't really have any reason to stay. Sure, I was a glutton for punishment most of the time but I wasn't exactly a pitch in and help the team out kinda chick. Not unless Angel was askin', and Angel didn't even exist anymore. With a sigh I looked around the lobby for a few minutes. No, I wasn't gonna do it. So damn sick of runnin'. I was different now, way more different than I'd ever thought I'd become. It just wasn't in me anymore.
Walking to the counter, I picked up the piece of paper Wes had left behind. I didn't open it. Didn't wanna read the excuses yet. So I shoved the note into my pocket and started heading to the kitchen. Might as well inform C that her big leader just took off.
As I walked in through the door I saw Fred and Cordelia makin' food and talkin'. They looked sort of happy, which honestly? Kinda harshing my mellow.
"Shopping?" Cordelia perked up, flashing a brilliant smile at Fred before both of them turned to look at me. Nothin' like makin' an entrance.
"Hey guys."
(Open for Fred, and Cordy of course)
I could still feel his grip on my arms even as I watched the door slam shut behind him in the lobby. Thought about runnin' after him, asking him to stay again. Maybe it was me? Maybe I'd fucked it all up. I was all defensive and now he was leaving. Was it my fault? I'd been ignoring him for days, avoiding him. Only stoppin' long enough for cold frenzied fucking, and then heading off to do something else. Why was I doin' that? I thought maybe he needed space or.....
When did I get like this? When did I start relying on him so damn much? This wasn't me. A few years ago I woulda laughed at this shit. Used to have one philosophy and that was chew and screw so to speak. Now I couldn't even see past Wesley. Fate was a bitch sometimes, and I just got bitchslapped. The biggest mistake ever was me and Wes ever meeting eachother. I mean think about it, all the screwed up shit we ever put eachother through. We just kept screwin' up over and over again too. Like we just couldn't help ourselves. Maybe he was right to walk away, maybe I was just upset cause I hadn't done it first. But when it all came down to it, I'd killed my best friend for him. And he was what I wanted, the one thing I wanted.
I didn't get it. He wasn't the only one around here who'd died. Remember Faith's little trip to Hellsville? I didn't think I could forget about it if I wanted to. I totally flipped when I came back, so Wes and I took off for England. Together. He helped me get through it, and it stung that he didn't want my help.
He didn't want me.
Crossing my arms I was faced with the sudden realization that I'd lost my window of oppurtunity to chase after him. He'd already disappeared by now, and there was no way I'd catch up with him. I had no idea where he was goin', and me? I wasn't a vamp, I didn't have those handy tracking skills. Or maybe I just didn't want it bad enough. Maybe somewhere I knew he was right. My head was swirling with maybes, and I knew if I kept tryin' to think in circles like that I'd just go straight off the deep end.
Thought about runnin'. Without Wes here, Buffy hated me. I didn't really have any reason to stay. Sure, I was a glutton for punishment most of the time but I wasn't exactly a pitch in and help the team out kinda chick. Not unless Angel was askin', and Angel didn't even exist anymore. With a sigh I looked around the lobby for a few minutes. No, I wasn't gonna do it. So damn sick of runnin'. I was different now, way more different than I'd ever thought I'd become. It just wasn't in me anymore.
Walking to the counter, I picked up the piece of paper Wes had left behind. I didn't open it. Didn't wanna read the excuses yet. So I shoved the note into my pocket and started heading to the kitchen. Might as well inform C that her big leader just took off.
As I walked in through the door I saw Fred and Cordelia makin' food and talkin'. They looked sort of happy, which honestly? Kinda harshing my mellow.
"Shopping?" Cordelia perked up, flashing a brilliant smile at Fred before both of them turned to look at me. Nothin' like makin' an entrance.
"Hey guys."
(Open for Fred, and Cordy of course)