I never meant to hurt you, I only did what I had to
I was shocked as hell that Red was still alive and kickin' but I was too wound up to stay and chat with her. Sure, me and Will kinda got tight for a little while first with all the Wes stuff that had happened and then with Skye. But we weren't friends, we'd never be friends. She was two seconds away from walkin' into the room where B was cryin' her little eyes out and I'd be reduced to the bad guy again. Never was gonna shake that role, was I? Gonna be stuck with it forever might as well get it tattoed on my forehead. In big bright red letters: Not as good as Buffy. So instead of stickin' around to shoot the shit and find out how exactly Willow was back I made a hasty exit. Sure she had better things to do anyway. After all, Buffy needed her friends.
When I finally got back outside and into the rain I clenched my jaw and my fists as I headed back out towards the sidewalk. Why was I so angry? I knew exactly how she was gonna react the minute I knocked on her door. She was gonna be pissed that I killed her big love, I killed him. My best friend.
"Killing things isn't the best and only way to deal with problems, Faith."
I made the choice. Did what I had to. That's why I could justify it in my own head. Fuck. Was the world totally fucking ironic, or was it just like destiny that nothin' was supposed to go right for me. Just as soon as I thought I had something it got ripped away from me faster than I could blink. I was the only one who had Soul Boy's back up until the very end. I defended him to the very last to everyone; Wes, Spike, Cordelia, Gunn, Lorne, Buffy. All of them fucking turned their backs on him and I was the one who stuck by him. Course I had the scariest kinda blind faith in him, and I knew I would've followed Angel right over the edge if it hadn't been for Wesley.
"I don't matter anymore, Faith. Everyone else sees it. Why can't you?"
Closing my eyes I sunk down on a bench on the sidewalk near B's apartment. I tried to keep my face impassive as I looked out into the empty street. Could feel my damp hair clinging to the back of my neck as the rain poured down around me. I remembered a dark night in the rain, pounding fists on Angel's chest begging him to kill me. I wanted to die so fucking bad and he wouldn't give in. He was determined to help me, and if it hadn't been for him I'd be so lost. Scratch that I'd probably be dead.
"Just for the record, I never gave up on you."
Standing up, I shivered slightly as the rain beat down harder on me. Why did it always rain on me when I was feelin' like absolute shit? Just proved that the powers that be were out to fuck me as hard and as much as they could. Crossing my arms over my chest I slowly walked down the sidewalk. Didn't even know where I was heading. Although I'd been expectin' it, Buffy's words had gotten to me and now all I could see was that broken accusing look she had sent my way as I stood over her in her room. I'd done it. I'd taken away Angel from her and everyone else. But where the hell was she when he'd lost his soul? More importantly, I was almost sure I knew just how exactly he'd lost his soul. Only way he'd done it before was by breakin' himself off a piece of Buffy ass. Even if that wasn't how it went down I was still in Boston when he lost his soul. B didn't even raise a fucking finger to stake him herself or somehow find a way to reensoul him before he had a chance to sire Jeff or Wesley. Hell, it didn't seem like anything was bein' done at all to help him. He was just terrorizing L.A. and no one cared.
"I love you, you're my best friend. You never gave up on me, Angel. I know if it hadn't been for you I probably woulda ended up dead or worse years ago."
Besides, when it came down to it I had a choice to make. Angel or Wesley. If I had chosen Angel, and staked Wesley I couldn't even begin to imagine what he would have been like after that. He'd been Angelus for way too long and even before Angelus showed he hadn't been right. He'd lost the mission, and everything else. He'd given up. Wesley hadn't. Wes had what it took to be a champion and as much as I loved Angel I knew that he didn't have what it took anymore. See, that's irony for you. When I became the judge of who had what it took to do something good. Besides that, I loved Wes. I had already lost him too many fucking times to lose him again. I refused to do it.
Looking up I realized I was standing in front of the bookstore. That bookstore. How had I gotten here? I didn't even remember. Looking inside the darkened shop, I pressed my fingertips lightly to the cool wet glass of the window pane.
"When bad things happen to you, you have to go somewhere else to find yourself, good or bad. So I knew it was coming, Faith. I just didn't think you'd say goodbye."
"Goodbye."
When I finally got back outside and into the rain I clenched my jaw and my fists as I headed back out towards the sidewalk. Why was I so angry? I knew exactly how she was gonna react the minute I knocked on her door. She was gonna be pissed that I killed her big love, I killed him. My best friend.
"Killing things isn't the best and only way to deal with problems, Faith."
I made the choice. Did what I had to. That's why I could justify it in my own head. Fuck. Was the world totally fucking ironic, or was it just like destiny that nothin' was supposed to go right for me. Just as soon as I thought I had something it got ripped away from me faster than I could blink. I was the only one who had Soul Boy's back up until the very end. I defended him to the very last to everyone; Wes, Spike, Cordelia, Gunn, Lorne, Buffy. All of them fucking turned their backs on him and I was the one who stuck by him. Course I had the scariest kinda blind faith in him, and I knew I would've followed Angel right over the edge if it hadn't been for Wesley.
"I don't matter anymore, Faith. Everyone else sees it. Why can't you?"
Closing my eyes I sunk down on a bench on the sidewalk near B's apartment. I tried to keep my face impassive as I looked out into the empty street. Could feel my damp hair clinging to the back of my neck as the rain poured down around me. I remembered a dark night in the rain, pounding fists on Angel's chest begging him to kill me. I wanted to die so fucking bad and he wouldn't give in. He was determined to help me, and if it hadn't been for him I'd be so lost. Scratch that I'd probably be dead.
"Just for the record, I never gave up on you."
Standing up, I shivered slightly as the rain beat down harder on me. Why did it always rain on me when I was feelin' like absolute shit? Just proved that the powers that be were out to fuck me as hard and as much as they could. Crossing my arms over my chest I slowly walked down the sidewalk. Didn't even know where I was heading. Although I'd been expectin' it, Buffy's words had gotten to me and now all I could see was that broken accusing look she had sent my way as I stood over her in her room. I'd done it. I'd taken away Angel from her and everyone else. But where the hell was she when he'd lost his soul? More importantly, I was almost sure I knew just how exactly he'd lost his soul. Only way he'd done it before was by breakin' himself off a piece of Buffy ass. Even if that wasn't how it went down I was still in Boston when he lost his soul. B didn't even raise a fucking finger to stake him herself or somehow find a way to reensoul him before he had a chance to sire Jeff or Wesley. Hell, it didn't seem like anything was bein' done at all to help him. He was just terrorizing L.A. and no one cared.
"I love you, you're my best friend. You never gave up on me, Angel. I know if it hadn't been for you I probably woulda ended up dead or worse years ago."
Besides, when it came down to it I had a choice to make. Angel or Wesley. If I had chosen Angel, and staked Wesley I couldn't even begin to imagine what he would have been like after that. He'd been Angelus for way too long and even before Angelus showed he hadn't been right. He'd lost the mission, and everything else. He'd given up. Wesley hadn't. Wes had what it took to be a champion and as much as I loved Angel I knew that he didn't have what it took anymore. See, that's irony for you. When I became the judge of who had what it took to do something good. Besides that, I loved Wes. I had already lost him too many fucking times to lose him again. I refused to do it.
Looking up I realized I was standing in front of the bookstore. That bookstore. How had I gotten here? I didn't even remember. Looking inside the darkened shop, I pressed my fingertips lightly to the cool wet glass of the window pane.
"When bad things happen to you, you have to go somewhere else to find yourself, good or bad. So I knew it was coming, Faith. I just didn't think you'd say goodbye."
"Goodbye."