and theres nothing left but shattered memories...

May 23, 2005 15:57

well i'll start off with letting you know, the smile i walked away with was the fakest smile in the history of my life and probably yours too.

wow. um, can we say shocking?
i feel really dumb yanno, first off: maybe i was wasting my time, maybe im not, but ill guess ill still be wasting it seeing as no matter what just happened i really care.alot.

i got on the bus. my sister figured out what was up with me and i just had to sit the whole bus ride holding back tears. thank God i have such an awesome sister to make me laugh through-out this because yanno, to me, this is serious. To have something really important to you pretty much just showed off to you, i got a taste of what i could have, i thought i was actualy the girl for once, well, i was wrong, because its all taken away now, who knows, maybe it'll be back, but all i know is that right now its gone and who knows where its going.

i come home, get out of my car, walk into my room, dial suzies number and as soon as i heard her voice mail i started bawling my friggin eyes out. it sucks to need someone so bad when they cant be there, and the one that means a whole lot just hurt you the most.

i really cant handle this. with all the thoughts on my mind, with the way that i am, i cant handle this. it seems so dumb to sit and cry, but its how i feel and i cant change that. and i cant change his feelings either, i wish i could, obviously, but i cant. and its not okay. but i guess i have to pretend it is. i think he knew yanno, that it wasnt, so so much for me faking that smile on my face.

its like, something was going right in my life, i had everything i wanted to have, and out of nowhere the 1 thing that really meant alot to me was just taken away from me and im right back to where we were before.

so i guess its going back to that. once again, im not the girl.
why cant i ever be the girl?
why does everything always come down?
why do i care so friggin much?

yanno, i cant even answer that. WHY do i care!? i just, REALLY want it to work, and it obviously isnt going to. most likely, ill be the girl in the corner staring at what i could have, what was held out in front of me but just taken off and away.

i dont blame him.
i dont know what to blame

i guess it was too good to be true.

something cant go right in my life, its not allowwed right!?

so here i go, being emotional and pessimistic as tears roll down onto the fucking keyboard im typing on. I CANT HELP THIS> YOU MAY CALL IT DRAMATIC BUT I JUST CANT BE WHAT IM NOT. I CANT PRETEND IM OKAY ANYMORE I CANT HOLD THIS IN

i need suzie to come home.
i need...yanno what, i dont even know anymore

i dont know anything. that scares me

-so much for trying to impress anybody
-so much for thinking it was perfect and going the way i actualy wanted it to
-so much for.......like i said. i dont even know

im not okay.
i dont know where this is going
i cant be optimistic dont you dare tell me to be
i guess ill find out if im really the girl
i doubt i am
but then again, i guess im getting used to that.

I HATE THIS. I CANT EVEN EXPRESS EVERYTHING IN MY MIND RIGHT NOW. SUZIE>COME HOME!

wow arent i cool, crying again.
why am i so pathetic

its not about the person neccesarily, its about what i felt, and whats always being taken away from me, its more about just my whole damn life, and how i thought it was good for once and that i had something to lean on and i leaned on nothing and fell.

it sucks to care about something that was hardly there in the first place.
so much for ryan...
maybe he will come back
maybe not
i guess we will have to wait and see
i hate not knowing anything
i feel really stupid.
im so dramatic.damn
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