I hurt myself today to see if I still feel....
I can't take much more. I really can't. I have never felt like this before. There is so much weight on my shoulders now and it feels like I'm treading water. It feels like I'm supposed to hold everyone up; my mum, my dad, my sisters. My mum cause she can't handle anything alone it seems. She needs help with almost everything around the house and then I need to hear her out when she needs to talk.
I get this question at least once every day: How's your dad? and then they ask How's your mum? and then they ask How's your sister? I want to punch the next one who ask stuff like that. I want to scream right in their face WHAT ABOUT ME!!!!???????!!! WHAT ABOUT MEEEEE!!!? But no one ever ask about me. No one.
I talked to a woman at work yesterday. She asked about my dad and basically she said the exact as above. Then she talked about me mum and this woman said; "Your mum must have such a tough time now because she is closest to your dad after all."
Nothing has ever hurt me like that statement.
I stood there and faked a smile all the while I was screaming inside.
I'm going home this weekend as I have done now for almost a year. My dad called me today and he yelled at me. He wants me to do so much and I can't. I just can't. I feel so torn and so broken up inside sometimes.
But of course I can't tell anyone that because no one here wants to listen to that.
I just wish sometimes that there was someone who would just ask about me and really truly wants to hear what I'm feeling and not just waiting for their turn to speak....
I'm sorry for this depressing post......