oh darkness I feel like letting go........
I'm so tired of this now. I wish I could close my eyes and just sleep for months. But I can't.
I feel like I'm slowly falling apart. Like someone is peeling away pieces of me and it hurts a little every time.
I'm tired of crying and I hate myself every time I cry.
He is getting worse. Each day is a battle. I talked to him on the phone today. His spirit was so low. He is so tired of feeling like the way he does. He can't take much more. I totally understand that. But I can't take the burden of the chemo or the cancer. I wish to God that I could but I can't. So he has to be strong. But he is not. Not anymore. When he talks about the future it's only darkness he sees. He believes that he can make it to Christmas, then his time will be up. What am I suppose to say to that? I'm trying so fucking hard to keep his spirit up, to say something, anything to make him feel at least a little thing better. But I can't. And I FUCKING HATE THAT!!! I hate that some of the things he says might actually come true. And I can't stop it. So I sit there and I try so hard to sound cheerful and strong all the while I'm fighting back tears.
Some days he talks about ending his life. I want to scream then. I want to slap him.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I had this dream last week. I dreamed that I was in the hospital and the doctors told me that I had leukemia. I remembered that I smiled when they told me. I was so happy.