We all need a big reduction In the amount of tears ....
I so wish there was something good to write about. Something happy or just some spark of light but these days it's like I'm clinging to darkness. I don't believe in God. I wish I could. I so wish I could have something to cling to now. But there is no higher power. At least not here.
If there was a God then he has so much explaining to do because I can't figure it out. I truely don't understand why everything is falling apart and why good people, good and pure, deserves so much pain.
My mum called me today and told me that our neighbor, a woman who has cancer in the pancreas, is now beyond saving.
This woman who I have known all my life, who lived next door to me as long as I remember, has no more time left.
The thing is, just six months ago or so her daughter passed away of cancer. And now she heading towards the same thing. So why? Why do these people deserve this? I don't get it....
My dad has Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma which is cancer of the white blood cells that circulate within the lymphatic system. It's kind of like leukaemia. We got the news last week when he was admitted to the Oncology ward at the local hospital. This week they are running tests after test to check how far it has spread in his body. Then they will start him on chemotherapy. But still it's just questions after questions.
I don't know how much of this I can take.
There isn't much to smile about anymore.
I know that I should believe that things will work out but it so fucking hard when you are surrounded by so much pain and death.
But most of the time I block it out and I smile my fake smile. When people ask me how I'm doing I say that I'm fine. And most of the time they don't press the issue because they don't want to listen and they want to believe in my lies.
It's amazing sometimes how much pain one can take without falling apart....
I was actually planning to do this long long entry about awesome tv-shows like 24, Castle and Big bang theory but I don't care anymore...