update::
Procrastination Week: Over.
Do I feel any different?...
No.
I still feel empty inside. Nothing seems to spark my interest or give me the enjoyment I used to feel from things. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but it’s been going on for about two weeks now. Online gaming, Table-top RPG Board games, Watching anime, reading manga, watching TV… All of it I still do, but they all don’t seem to show me the enjoyment or “spark” as they once did.
I think this is what a “stand-still” feels like. Unable to escape. Unable to move forward. I’m constantly caught by the emptiness at random intervals of the day, and I’m brought back to the past: The past I lost.
Back to the past when our lips met, when our breaths were one. Back to the time I was content with what I was, who I was with and what I was doing. Back to when the light at the end of the tunnel was so clear; crystal clear. But this vision of the past is always unreachable. Like a star, glinting and winking at me from the darkness of the night sky. Teasing me… taunting me.
That room… that song… that feeling… all of it, I could see, hear and feel. None of it I could relive. None of it I could bring to the present. It’s been so long, but the memories are all still there. Locked.
“If only I…”
“If I just didn’t…”
“If you weren’t…”
Flashes of the past I wish either I’d forget, or never happen stream through my head once again, bringing me back to that place; that song; that feeling.
Does it hurt? Does it hurt to have left a part of you behind that you might never get back? Does it hurt to always have a feeling of emptiness even in the brightest day?
Move on? Could I? Please…
I want to see that light again…
This time, never let go of it…