(no subject)
Okay. No more grocery shopping. If there is food in the house, I will eat it all. If there are ingredients in the house, I will cook twice as much as I need. And then I will eat it all. So, no more food in the house.
Why now? Because I bought some pants that are actually comfortable, and they are size 14s. Size 14 in Target sizes, moreover, which is size 16-18 almost anywhere else. That's Lane Bryant territory. Sizes that are written in X's instead of numbers territory. Big flowerdy tunic things territory. Nobody-wants-to-date-you-except-those-guys-who-post-"ISO BBW"-ads-on-Craigslist territory. How did I get here in 30 months without noticing?
Because I've always thought of myself as a chubby girl. Even at size 8 - heck, even at size 6! - I saw the thick thighs, the big butt, the flabby arms, the stomach that wouldn't ever go flat. And when the chubby girl looks in the mirror and sees fat, well, what makes that different from any other day?
The funny thing is, I see the same thing in the mirror now as I did 40 pounds ago. I used to see myself as unrealistically fat. Now, I guess my self-image is unrealistically thin. I'm shocked when I look at the trousers I just took off... who does that huge tent belong to? Why do my socks feel tight around the ankles? I'm not that big! Except I am. Big. Fat. Obese. And sorry, fat acceptance movement, but I am NOT OKAY with this. I feel like my body has betrayed me... and I've betrayed my body.
Why now? Because I bought some pants that are actually comfortable, and they are size 14s. Size 14 in Target sizes, moreover, which is size 16-18 almost anywhere else. That's Lane Bryant territory. Sizes that are written in X's instead of numbers territory. Big flowerdy tunic things territory. Nobody-wants-to-date-you-except-those-guys-who-post-"ISO BBW"-ads-on-Craigslist territory. How did I get here in 30 months without noticing?
Because I've always thought of myself as a chubby girl. Even at size 8 - heck, even at size 6! - I saw the thick thighs, the big butt, the flabby arms, the stomach that wouldn't ever go flat. And when the chubby girl looks in the mirror and sees fat, well, what makes that different from any other day?
The funny thing is, I see the same thing in the mirror now as I did 40 pounds ago. I used to see myself as unrealistically fat. Now, I guess my self-image is unrealistically thin. I'm shocked when I look at the trousers I just took off... who does that huge tent belong to? Why do my socks feel tight around the ankles? I'm not that big! Except I am. Big. Fat. Obese. And sorry, fat acceptance movement, but I am NOT OKAY with this. I feel like my body has betrayed me... and I've betrayed my body.